Things sound so different now
Now that i've realized that it is time for me to go and get off this roller coaster ride the words that come out of the mouth of my AH (who is not drinking at the moment and "staying sober" because that is what he has always done to get me to change my mind but i'm not doing that THIS time) I see it all so clearly for what it is...lip service. not that it matters anymore because it is too little too late and i do wish him sobriety and peace of mind, but i am so aware that it is all none of my business and i haven't taken the bait when he makes statements to "catch" me.....i feel so strong and proud of being able to see clearly the claws of this disease and how they grab him and me and i am looking so forward to being far removed from them! I am anxious to be able to go to f2f alanon meetings in another state.....and to be able to concentrate on me and my life.
I felt so sad last night when i had a conversation with the alcoholic and i could see him trying to be "just right" but i saw it, and that is a huge thing for me. i didn't fall for the lip service and i kept my mouth shut. I am very cynical about his ability to stay sober, but i know i have to keep that to myself too and that maybe in time my hurt will heal and i'll loose that sarcasm that i have in my head...right now it feels like protection.
i let him talk because i feel sorry that he is alone, but i remind myself that it is all his choice and that i don't have to be the recipient of his pain ever again...i'm just packing and passing the time until i leave in 3 weeks!
I can't wait!! i am feeling very proud of myself for being able to make this decision and i'm sticking with it....the apartment is secured, my things are almost completely packed, i'm saving money and selling some of my things and i have everything in place for a safe landing up north! It has been a long time coming. It just makes me wonder why it took me so darn long to finally see......I guess i just wasn't ready, but i sure am ready now! and grateful that i realize i don't have to live like anymore because I deserve better!!