missphit

Now that i've realized that it is time for me to go and get off this roller coaster ride the words that come out of the mouth of my AH (who is not drinking at the moment and "staying sober" because that is what he has always done to get me to change my mind but i'm not doing that THIS time) I see it all so clearly for what it is...lip service. not that it matters anymore because it is too little too late and i do wish him sobriety and peace of mind, but i am so aware that it is all none of my business and i haven't taken the bait when he makes statements to "catch" me.....i feel so strong and proud of being able to see clearly the claws of this disease and how they grab him and me and i am looking so forward to being far removed from them! I am anxious to be able to go to f2f alanon meetings in another state.....and to be able to concentrate on me and my life.
I felt so sad last night when i had a conversation with the alcoholic and i could see him trying to be "just right" but i saw it, and that is a huge thing for me. i didn't fall for the lip service and i kept my mouth shut. I am very cynical about his ability to stay sober, but i know i have to keep that to myself too and that maybe in time my hurt will heal and i'll loose that sarcasm that i have in my head...right now it feels like protection.
i let him talk because i feel sorry that he is alone, but i remind myself that it is all his choice and that i don't have to be the recipient of his pain ever again...i'm just packing and passing the time until i leave in 3 weeks!
I can't wait!! i am feeling very proud of myself for being able to make this decision and i'm sticking with it....the apartment is secured, my things are almost completely packed, i'm saving money and selling some of my things and i have everything in place for a safe landing up north! It has been a long time coming. It just makes me wonder why it took me so darn long to finally see......I guess i just wasn't ready, but i sure am ready now! and grateful that i realize i don't have to live like anymore because I deserve better!!

fighter1010

i can't believe how many of these posts could have been written by me. my AH did the same, said the same, and had me convinced, but for a very brief time. when i stopped playing into it, he started drinking.

missphit

I know this pattern and he will stay sober until i actually leave, then he will have no reason to stay sober because he only stops, or tries to stop when he wants something. I realize that because of that pattern, he could stop if he really wanted to, but he only does that to manipulate me and the world around him. I am so glad i don't have to play anymore. i can't control it, i didn't cause it and i certainly can't cure it!! thank goodness i really get it now!! i am looking forward to being able to leave in a few weeks!!

Hollyanne

Missphit,
I have no idea what this guy's history is, but just be careful as it is dangerous at the time of leaving. Be vigilant. Enjoy the peace when you get there.

missphit

thank you so much Hollyanne. I appreciate your words and have actually wondered if i should be nervous about it. the truth is, i'm feeling nervous, but he will be out of town for work when i actually leave, but here when the movers come to get my things, so i believe i'll get a glimpse into his behavior when my things leave and then will be able to slip out while he is away. That makes me feel a little better, but i know that i should expect the unexpected because i am not willing to play anymore and i'm pretty sure he'll need one last "episode".....so far it has only been verbal, though that has been terribly painful, but i hope it stays that way.

Hollyanne

Missphit, Maybe you could have friends or family around the day you have movers around. If he is the usual "street angel, house devil", that will keep him in check.