Welcome Chickie - You have our support.
You just described me when I drank. Middle of the night calls, chats/calls that started out awesome because I was happy and buzzed and then ended with either fight or me in tears. I didn't remember any of what I said and the fear of opening my email the next day or answering the phone or dare I check my redial list was too much. It was hell and I hurt way too many people who mattered to me.
Know what I did? I quit drinking and I got help. That was the only way to stop the insanity if you will. I have not had one day in sobriety that I regret and those days are over. I couldn't begin to tell you how amazing life is on the other side.
I am glad you shared and know that sobriety is achievable. So many of us are doing it and there are plenty of support options available.
Looking forward to the journey and we are here to help.