chickie

I am a 42 year old woman who has a monster living inside of me. I am a binge drinker who turns into a different person when I drink. It starts off fine, a couple of drinks and I'm happy. Problem is, I don't stop. I get out of control and end the evening in a black out. I become very emotional abusive and pretty much out of control. Up until today, I had a wonderful boy friend who put up with my behavior and forgave me when I lost control. But, the events that happened last night have changed all of that. I has horrible to to him. I turned into a nasty drunk and ruined all chances of our relationship continuing. I spend today trying to recall all the events that took place and try as I might, it just doesn't come back. I would love to hear from anyone out there who has similar tendencies. I'm scared and lonely and need help.

LexieCat

Hi, Chickie,

I think it's safe to say all of us have experienced extreme remorse as a result of things we have done or said while under the influence.

You are smarting from one of those experiences right now. The question is, are you ready to change your life? Alcohol problems do not get better on their own. They inevitably get worse.

I'm glad your boyfriend decided not to put up with any more abuse, for both of your sakes.

There is help out there if you want it. I highly recommend AA.

caribbean

Hi chickie,

I could have written every single word you wrote, about eight years ago. And again two years ago, and again, and again... I finally realized I didn't want to sing that song anymore -- you know, after only about two or three dozen times -- and I got my ass into recovery. Here I am.

Scared is a perfectly normal feeling for where you are. It will pass. As for lonely, you are very much not alone. If you have AA in your area, try showing up at a meeting -- you may discover a whole bunch of people who have a lot in common with you, and most of all who want to help you get better.

Sending you a hug, 'cause it sounds like you could use one.

lildawg

I was a mean and nasty drunk. I didn't really binge drink; instead, I just sort of kept a 24/7 alcohol drip going. It had its highs and lows, though. I'd start out happy, like you say. As the day's drinking wore on, and I got closer to passing out, I'd get mean and nasty.

I ruined tons of relationships. I just said hateful things to people when I was intoxicated. My husband has told me, since I got sober, that the things I said were bitingly true -- the kinds of things that put you in therapy for the rest of your life.

Since then, before I even read the AA Big Book, I cleaned my side of the street with those people. Most of them will never forgive me, no matter what I do. And, the more I think about it, that's all right.

The thing is, if you stop drinking, you'll never again wake up regretting the night before. Sobriety is not my favorite state, but not regretting the night before is worth it.

chickie

Lexie,

Yes, I do believe I am ready to seek help. I am ready to come clean and admit that I cannot just have a couple of drinks like so many people I know. Something happens to me and the person that comes out is not nice. It doesn't happen every time I drink, but often enough so that it's time for me to take control. I don't want to spend another day trying to piece back together what happened the night before. I want to remember every moment of my life with a clear head.

I don't want to cause the people that I love anymore emotional hurt. My behavior has hurt many people over the years and today, has to be the day I make a change.

I will be looking to see if I can find an AA meeting in my area.

Thank you for the post.

chickie

lildawg,

I don't understand what happens. The happy girl that I usually am is replaced by someone I don't even know. My boyfriend or I should say ex, is the most wonderful man in the world and how I could treat him the way I did is sickening to me. That nasty person has to disappear forever.

Dee74

Hi Chickie

I think most of us have experienced something similar, so we get it.

I know you'll find a lot of support & encouragement here to help you in leaving the 'monster' behind

Welcome to SR!
D

LexieCat

I suggest you might want to take a look at this article about what to expect at your first AA meeting. It does a good job of explaining the format and customs you might encounter.

I also suggest you get a Big Book (AA's basic "textbook")--the program of recovery is explained in the first 164 pages. The latter part of the book is full of personal stories of recovery, which are also excellent. The book is available at most meetings for $7.25 (hardcover). Here's an online version to tide you over.

gr8t2bme

Chickie, I have experienced the same thing. Drinking alchohol has caused me to black out many times. When I drink alcohol it changes me into another person. The black outs are the worst because I would never remember what I did or said the night before unless someone told me what I did the night before. I hated waking up that morning with the sickening feeling of what did I do last night?
Drinking alcohol has progressed to the point that if I drink I have thoughts of hurting myself and I can't take that chance. So alcohol does change us, and not for the better.

NEOMARXIST

The only way I can guarantee that I won't act in terrible ways that I'll regret afterwards is by not taking that first drink. One is too many and 100,000 never enough!

I'm an alcoholic. 15 months sober and I haven't hurt anybody in those 15 months.

Peace

chickie

Thank you for all for the support. It helps to know that there are people out there who really understand what I'm going through.

Today is such a sad day for me. But, it's taught me something that is very important. I never want to feel like I do today again. The only way that can become reality is if I give up drinking forever. And actually do it this time.

People are more important than the feeling you get from having a few drinks. I need to always remember that.

least

Welcome to the family! I was an all day every day drinker, like the alcohol-drip example. Never really got drunk, just numb all the time. I let my family and myself down too many times. I've been trying to quit drinking since the end of '07 and just now have ten months sober, so you can see it took me a while to 'get it right'. But I'm now living a wonderful life, not perfect, but it's wonderful just the same. I no longer hate myself first thing in the morning and have my self respect back, as well as my kids' respect.

In my early recovery I used a mix of AA, my addiction counselor ( a huge help!), and this site. I now depend on my counselor and SR to stay sober. Somewhere around five or six months sober I realized I no longer had the desire to drink! Freedom!!

I hope you can find the help you need to stop drinking. Living sober really rocks!

chickie

In the past, I was able to quit on my own with the support of my friends and family. Of course, that didn't last. I figured a few every week wouldn't hurt. In fact, just recently, I had cut down on my drinking. But, it didn't last. It's not like I drink everyday. But, when the urge strikes, it compels me to drink large amounts as fast as I can. That's where my problem lies. Seems as if there is a switch that gets flipped and I just can't stop myself.

I am looking forward to seeing what AA is all about. I've heard high praise from many people and I plan on giving it a try.

chickie

I was able to locate an AA meeting in my area that is happening tomorrow night. I will be attending that meeting with high hopes. Taking the first step to my recovery.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Draciack

Hi, Chickie, I became another person as well when I drank. I said things and did things I never would have done while sober. The only way I can prevent this is through complete abstinence.

Glad you found an AA meeting Good luck tomorrow.

Anna

Hi Chickie,

Welcome!

I also turned into a completely different person when I was drinking. I became someone who was horrible and angry. Like you, at some point after a couple of drinks, I crossed a line where I lost control and I would often have no memory of what happened.

I am glad that you found us and that you have decided to stop drinking.

artsoul

So glad you've decided to get off that not-so-merry-go-round. It really does wreak havoc on our body and mind. I wasn't a black-out drinker or an aggressive drunk, but I still neglected my family, friends and obligations for the sake of a drink. I'm so glad I can say that today I don't have that problem (I have problems, but at least that's not one of them!)

Enjoy the meeting - you'll find that it's a lot like coming here. People know exactly where you've been because they've been there too. Some of the coolest people I know were former nasty drunks!

Take it a day at a time and keep posting!:ghug3

CarolD

Welcome....

When my drinking turned me into a woman I detested
I decided to quit....and joined my local AA.
Wisest move I ever made....

I was also a blackout drinker...it's awfully risky
to be one. I could have been killed from
some of my dangerous behaviors.

Glad you are here sharing with us

Juneof44

Chickie;

You're story is a very common occurrence for me...or WAS. I found my last straw at the bottom of a wine bottle and the end of an argument with the woman I love. It spurred me to make the decision to live sober. I can't tell you how to live your life, but since I decided to live sober, even in the short time I haven't had a drink, I have noticed genuine and honest improvement in my life, my attitude, and my relationships.

SR is a fabulous forum for encouragement and support. If you genuinely think you want and need to stop, then anybody here is more than willing to help and guide. This site is the number one reason I haven't had a drink in almost 2 weeks. Keep coming back, and all the best wishes in your journey to a better life!

Kmber2010

Welcome Chickie - You have our support.

You just described me when I drank. Middle of the night calls, chats/calls that started out awesome because I was happy and buzzed and then ended with either fight or me in tears. I didn't remember any of what I said and the fear of opening my email the next day or answering the phone or dare I check my redial list was too much. It was hell and I hurt way too many people who mattered to me.

Know what I did? I quit drinking and I got help. That was the only way to stop the insanity if you will. I have not had one day in sobriety that I regret and those days are over. I couldn't begin to tell you how amazing life is on the other side.

I am glad you shared and know that sobriety is achievable. So many of us are doing it and there are plenty of support options available.

Looking forward to the journey and we are here to help.