Hey,
Finally! 2 days off work! Finally! And no parents for 3 days! My life couldn't get any better than this!
Just kidding, I'd like to be that happy! Ya know, it's funny...when ya get sober and things get dysfunctional. That's where I'm at...I'm sober and dysfunctional to the Enth degree. Dave and I were having a talk about how I get so far in recovery but I can't seem to go any further because I just don't know how to. Like, with my dad...I've certainly figured out that his relationship with me is bad. But you can't just not talk to your dad right? I know I should say something to him but, where do I start? And why bother if it wouldn't do any good? It's all about how I interpret it right? But then, one side of me goes...How you interpret emotional abuse?? Isn't that an oxy-moron somehow?
Anyways, yeah....Dave and I are on our way over to his friend Eric's house for a bonfire. It's kinda wierd cause I haven't been to a bonfire since I've been sober. It was always our summertime drinking activity. It's only the 3 of us and Eric is ok with not drinking so...it should be ok. It's still going to remind me greatly of times where it would've been Neil and Scott going also. It's wierd cause I would've thought so little of it then and so much of it now.
Dave was asking me about Neil last night. I told him I was at a standstill with him because 1 of two things were going to happen. 1. I end up realizing that he really is bad for me or he goes away from me like Shane, which would just kill me or 2. Dave and I eventually end up in a divorce after many excrutiating months of fighting and arguing about him. So, I stay his friend because that's what is most benifitial to me at this point even though there is still attraction there. I never want to go where I was before so i'm just going to see how things turn out. I know I don't have it even in me to let him go though. I really do love him even though I shouldn't. It's just not in me to think about losing another friend at this point.
Then, there is the issue of cutting myself. Sigh....i don't know where to go with this one. It's how i deal with all the dysfunctionality in my life.
Tomarrow I get to see Jeff. My window actually stopped rolling up today though so, i figure I have a good lead in to at least keep talking to him normal. So...that's going to be interesting. Christina, my mom and my brother are all going too. Then we're going to the Corn Festival. Yes, indeed, you read that right. The CornFestival. Ah, the trivial lives in Mid-Michigan.
But....it's bonfire time. I'll try not to reminisant about drinking too much, I want to still be able to have sober bonfires. No one is going to be drinking so...I think I'll be ok.
Stacey