It has been almost 8 weeks with no contact with my XABF. Last Sunday contact was broken when he emailed me, asking how I was, telling me that he thought of me everyday.
I responded. We talked. He told me that he has been sober for several weeks now, and was missing me.
We then got together. As soon as I saw him, all of the old feelings of love and despair came rushing back, hitting me in the face like a blast of frigid air.
I mentally pushed through this, because I missed him so much.
We embraced, kissed. I didn't smell any alcohol on his breath. It felt good.
We wound up on bed and that is when I realized that he was drunk.
His inability to perform along with his body producing a sweaty alcohol smell made me ill.
Instead of leaving, I stayed, hoping that time will somehow make it right. Wishful thinking again.
The next day he is full of regret. He tells me he contacted me because things weren't going so well with his planned reconciliation with his ex-wife.
When asked about this, he told me that he is still committed to working things out with his family, he wants to someday return to his lovely home and kids. He feels that there is a "glimmer of hope" out there, since she is now being nice to him. Sex with me, he said, was a way to fulfill his physical needs. He doesn't connect with me emotionally in that way, he said he has never really felt that way with anyone. I am no different.
I became upset and threatened to tell her everything. I felt so used. He immediately became concerned, begging me not to do this, saying that I am being mean and vindictive. So far, I have done nothing.
Our last conversation the following day consisted of him telling me that he is unhappy with his life: recent job demotion, working on getting back his driving license, his home and his family. It is all so sad. And it is all his fault.
I am feeling so low. My whole life has turned upside down.
I was slowly making a life without him, and I allowed him back in, just to fulfill his needs, not mine.
Right now, I could really use some support from this forum. Any comments will be appreciated!