I screwed up again!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
I screwed up again!
It has been almost 8 weeks with no contact with my XABF. Last Sunday contact was broken when he emailed me, asking how I was, telling me that he thought of me everyday.
I responded. We talked. He told me that he has been sober for several weeks now, and was missing me.
We then got together. As soon as I saw him, all of the old feelings of love and despair came rushing back, hitting me in the face like a blast of frigid air.
I mentally pushed through this, because I missed him so much.
We embraced, kissed. I didn't smell any alcohol on his breath. It felt good.
We wound up on bed and that is when I realized that he was drunk.
His inability to perform along with his body producing a sweaty alcohol smell made me ill.
Instead of leaving, I stayed, hoping that time will somehow make it right. Wishful thinking again.
The next day he is full of regret. He tells me he contacted me because things weren't going so well with his planned reconciliation with his ex-wife.
When asked about this, he told me that he is still committed to working things out with his family, he wants to someday return to his lovely home and kids. He feels that there is a "glimmer of hope" out there, since she is now being nice to him. Sex with me, he said, was a way to fulfill his physical needs. He doesn't connect with me emotionally in that way, he said he has never really felt that way with anyone. I am no different.
I became upset and threatened to tell her everything. I felt so used. He immediately became concerned, begging me not to do this, saying that I am being mean and vindictive. So far, I have done nothing.
Our last conversation the following day consisted of him telling me that he is unhappy with his life: recent job demotion, working on getting back his driving license, his home and his family. It is all so sad. And it is all his fault.
I am feeling so low. My whole life has turned upside down.
I was slowly making a life without him, and I allowed him back in, just to fulfill his needs, not mine.
Right now, I could really use some support from this forum. Any comments will be appreciated!
I responded. We talked. He told me that he has been sober for several weeks now, and was missing me.
We then got together. As soon as I saw him, all of the old feelings of love and despair came rushing back, hitting me in the face like a blast of frigid air.
I mentally pushed through this, because I missed him so much.
We embraced, kissed. I didn't smell any alcohol on his breath. It felt good.
We wound up on bed and that is when I realized that he was drunk.
His inability to perform along with his body producing a sweaty alcohol smell made me ill.
Instead of leaving, I stayed, hoping that time will somehow make it right. Wishful thinking again.
The next day he is full of regret. He tells me he contacted me because things weren't going so well with his planned reconciliation with his ex-wife.
When asked about this, he told me that he is still committed to working things out with his family, he wants to someday return to his lovely home and kids. He feels that there is a "glimmer of hope" out there, since she is now being nice to him. Sex with me, he said, was a way to fulfill his physical needs. He doesn't connect with me emotionally in that way, he said he has never really felt that way with anyone. I am no different.
I became upset and threatened to tell her everything. I felt so used. He immediately became concerned, begging me not to do this, saying that I am being mean and vindictive. So far, I have done nothing.
Our last conversation the following day consisted of him telling me that he is unhappy with his life: recent job demotion, working on getting back his driving license, his home and his family. It is all so sad. And it is all his fault.
I am feeling so low. My whole life has turned upside down.
I was slowly making a life without him, and I allowed him back in, just to fulfill his needs, not mine.
Right now, I could really use some support from this forum. Any comments will be appreciated!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
I wish I had the words to make you feel better. And I wish I could string him up for lying to you and using you. What a selfish &*^%$#@.
Alcoholic, liar, manipulator, user of people. Those are his nasty characteristics. Not yours. Pleeeeeeeeeeze don't beat yourself up for letting yourself get sucked in again. Any one of us who has been in your shoes understands what it's like to love an alcoholic/addict...and how easy it is to fall back into the trap.
Eight weeks of NC is a huge accomplishment and you can and will get there again. This may be the final straw...the one thing that will make you turn that corner and never look back again. Just straight ahead to your own happy life. The one that can be whatever you want to make it.
Hugs and peace to you.
Alcoholic, liar, manipulator, user of people. Those are his nasty characteristics. Not yours. Pleeeeeeeeeeze don't beat yourself up for letting yourself get sucked in again. Any one of us who has been in your shoes understands what it's like to love an alcoholic/addict...and how easy it is to fall back into the trap.
Eight weeks of NC is a huge accomplishment and you can and will get there again. This may be the final straw...the one thing that will make you turn that corner and never look back again. Just straight ahead to your own happy life. The one that can be whatever you want to make it.
Hugs and peace to you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Girl, I have BEEN there time and time again. So I know exactly how you feel. Let me tell you something though. You did NOT screw up, all you did was have a lapse. And whenever I have a lapse, i remind myself that lapses are just part of life. Your lapse was just another opportunity for the universe, your higher power, to bring you the experience you needed at this time in order to continue to grow. All the lapse is is a practice session to try out your newfound strength, your new legs. That's all. Yes, feel the pain for a little while but put a limit on it. Practice that too. And look for the lesson in what just occurred.
You can change your feelings by changing your thoughts.
You can change your feelings by changing your thoughts.
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Originally Posted by HealingWillCome 
Eight weeks of NC is a huge accomplishment and you can and will get there again. This may be the final straw...the one thing that will make you turn that corner and never look back again. Just straight ahead to your own happy life. The one that can be whatever you want to make it.
You know the time we spent together last week, I did see him with "new eyes", I did ask the hard questions, I did give him my honest opinion...something I had NEVER done before.
Why? because for the first time I realized that this relationship was over and done...I had nothing to lose.
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[QUOTE=Learn2Live;2729478]Girl, I have BEEN there time and time again. So I know exactly how you feel. Let me tell you something though. You did NOT screw up, all you did was have a lapse. And whenever I have a lapse, i remind myself that lapses are just part of life. Your lapse was just another opportunity for the universe, your higher power, to bring you the experience you needed at this time in order to continue to grow. All the lapse is is a practice session to try out your newfound strength, your new legs. That's all. Yes, feel the pain for a little while but put a limit on it. Practice that too. And look for the lesson in what just occurred.
QUOTE]
Learn2live, Thanks for reminding me it is just a lapse..not the end of the world. This painful but important lapse has taught me that I am no longer willing to put up with his drinking, his manipulations, his lying just to avoid being alone. I am learning that I can voice my concerns and can set healthy boundaries.
QUOTE]
Learn2live, Thanks for reminding me it is just a lapse..not the end of the world. This painful but important lapse has taught me that I am no longer willing to put up with his drinking, his manipulations, his lying just to avoid being alone. I am learning that I can voice my concerns and can set healthy boundaries.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
totally agree. see this as the opportunity it was. 8 weeks. you see him again...he's the same and you're not. plus, you got to experience first hand why you went NC in the first place. sounds like it's all about his needs and he will use you, if you permit him to.
i have a feeling the next 8 weeks won't be as difficult as the last one.
naive
i have a feeling the next 8 weeks won't be as difficult as the last one.
naive
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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Nothing to add to the awesome responses you've gotten, except this: be gentle with yourself. You were vulnerable and got preyed on by a manipulator. There's no shame in that. On the up side, you've come out of this with a renewed sense of purpose and knowledge.
*hugs* to you
*hugs* to you
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I am no longer willing to put up with his drinking, his manipulations, his lying just to avoid being alone. I am learning that I can voice my concerns and can set healthy boundaries.
Way to go!
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 24
Groybin. .I totally understand where you are coming from!! The first few weeks of my divorce were the hardest for me and to be honest if my ex would have came back in any of that time and wanted to hook up I would not have been strong enough to say no! Like you its been about 8 weeks now for me also. .what I finally decided to do was to go up and grab a chip!! I attend a meeting called Celebrate recovery, it's for anyone with a hurt habit or hang up and anyhone can go up and recieve a "sobriety" chip because it's not just for addicts who stay away from drugs and alcohol is for anyone being free from a hurt habit or hang up. .I decided that my ex wife is my hurt, my habit and she is my hang up 
Might sound silly but getting that 24 hr chip has empowered me to not have any lapses. .cause I can't control if she contacts me but I can control if I respond or contact her. Its kind of like the addict with their substance, we have to seperate ourselves from obessing about them. Change our thoughts, our behviors like learn2live said, it's the only way we will heal and be able to move on.
Now I"m looking forward to that 1 month, 3 month, 6 month and so on and so forth chip until I know that I am strong enough to stick with those healthy limits we set with our lying, manipulative, selfish addicts in our lives. I hope this helps, wish you best of luck
Nena
Might sound silly but getting that 24 hr chip has empowered me to not have any lapses. .cause I can't control if she contacts me but I can control if I respond or contact her. Its kind of like the addict with their substance, we have to seperate ourselves from obessing about them. Change our thoughts, our behviors like learn2live said, it's the only way we will heal and be able to move on.
Now I"m looking forward to that 1 month, 3 month, 6 month and so on and so forth chip until I know that I am strong enough to stick with those healthy limits we set with our lying, manipulative, selfish addicts in our lives. I hope this helps, wish you best of luck
Nena
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
He screwed up-not you. He was being what he is and you already know what that is.
A friend once told me that my first xah was placed on this earth to make the women who he manipulated stronger than he will ever be. Sounds like your ex might fall in the same category and you are already stronger than he will ever be.
A friend once told me that my first xah was placed on this earth to make the women who he manipulated stronger than he will ever be. Sounds like your ex might fall in the same category and you are already stronger than he will ever be.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
just a wee slip, sorry you have found it so painful. I'm very much betting that at some point, he'll try and contact you again, because last time it worked for him. Didn't seem to work so much for you though, sooooooo....
have you thought through what you might do diffferently this time to stop yourself getting suckered in? block his email?? delete all unknown emails immediately??
have you thought through what you might do diffferently this time to stop yourself getting suckered in? block his email?? delete all unknown emails immediately??
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
It is said that we keep receiving our lessons in life until we get them right.
Sounds like you thought you had it all going on with that 8 weeks of NC, which by the way is AWESOME!!
Unfortunately, what you thought, wasn't entirely correct and it was time for a lesson check. Because you see, he still has a way of getting to you if he just says the right things.
I am so sorry for your pain, but I am actually pleased to hear, though, that his smelly self could not really seal the deal and he was actually pathetic enough to admit that he called you just to get to get what he needed at the moment. {Vomit}
I am pleased because had it not gone down this way, you might actually be starting up with this manipulator for another round of relationship heartache. You are blessed my dear that it was a brief albeit painful reminder of why the lesson is so important for you and why you must be free of this nasty slug of a person.
You are worth so much more and you see that now. BRAVO!!!
Alice
Sounds like you thought you had it all going on with that 8 weeks of NC, which by the way is AWESOME!!
Unfortunately, what you thought, wasn't entirely correct and it was time for a lesson check. Because you see, he still has a way of getting to you if he just says the right things.
I am so sorry for your pain, but I am actually pleased to hear, though, that his smelly self could not really seal the deal and he was actually pathetic enough to admit that he called you just to get to get what he needed at the moment. {Vomit}
I am pleased because had it not gone down this way, you might actually be starting up with this manipulator for another round of relationship heartache. You are blessed my dear that it was a brief albeit painful reminder of why the lesson is so important for you and why you must be free of this nasty slug of a person.
You are worth so much more and you see that now. BRAVO!!!
Alice
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Originally Posted by naive
i have a feeling the next 8 weeks won't be as difficult as the last one.
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
THIS just gave me goosebumps!!! YOU GO GROYBIN!!! It stirs me to my soul to hear someone say these things. You can see him for who he is, and refuse to be manipulated or stay in denial. AWARENESS! You know your needs and that he cannot meet them for you. ACCEPTANCE! And you are looking to your SELF to take care of YOU. ACTION!
Way to go!
Way to go!
I sent him a text message 3 days ago that said:
I will no longer tolerate your drinking. I love you, but I can no longer watch your self destruct.
His response: I understand, again, you're doing the right thing. signing off for now...
If this is our last exchange, I can honestly say I feel good about it!
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
It is said that we keep receiving our lessons in life until we get them right.
I am so sorry for your pain, but I am actually pleased to hear, though, that his smelly self could not really seal the deal and he was actually pathetic enough to admit that he called you just to get to get what he needed at the moment. {Vomit}
I am so sorry for your pain, but I am actually pleased to hear, though, that his smelly self could not really seal the deal and he was actually pathetic enough to admit that he called you just to get to get what he needed at the moment. {Vomit}
To be totally honest with all of you....
the only reason he was being so "honest" was not only because he is pathetic, but I threatened to tell his ex-wife EVERYTHING if he wasn't man enought to answer ALL my questions....I just put him between a rock and a hard place!
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I have been reading a great book called "Happiness Now" and I wanted to share something will all of you....
" O God, help me to believe the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful it is..Amen"
My prayer to each and every one of you!
" O God, help me to believe the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful it is..Amen"
My prayer to each and every one of you!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
At one of the Al Anon meetings I went to it was pointed out that unlike AA, no one in Al Anon gets a one year chip - the joke (?) being no one in our Al Anon goes a year without a slip.
You had a slip. You are not alone. Good for you for coming here to share and get support. Very healthy!
You had a slip. You are not alone. Good for you for coming here to share and get support. Very healthy!
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Oh what a miserable, backstabbing and pathetic piece of 
he is.
Anyway look on this as not a relapse or slip on your part, but a refresher lesson to show what a creep and jerk he is, and that he is not worth a minutes thought.
Get back to NC, and
wash him out of your hair and life.
he is.
Anyway look on this as not a relapse or slip on your part, but a refresher lesson to show what a creep and jerk he is, and that he is not worth a minutes thought.
Get back to NC, and
wash him out of your hair and life.
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