Guilt
I wasn't going to post about this, because I thought I could handle the emotion on my own, but I feel sick to my stomach. I am probably over-reacting. A friend of mine asked to take me to lunch today, he has always had a little crush on me. I went and we had a great time, we have great conversations and I enjoy spending time with him. After lunch we came back to my house and he visited with me and my daughter. He kept getting close to me, and I could feel that he wanted to kiss me so I told him I was tired and needed a nap.
Later on he texted me and said that he would like to come over tomorrow and talk to me, that we are good together and he wants to spend more time with me. I told him that while I enjoy spending time with him, that I am not emotionally ready for a relationship. He said he completely understood, and that he is here for me no matter what. I asked him if he was upset and he said "no, i'm pretty used to it by now." He then proceeded to say how he is sick of always only being the friend, and that he is depressed in his life and just wants someone to wake up to who he actually really wants to see. He is afraid that he is going to get cancer, as his mom died of colon cancer and his dad is currently dying of it as well. He says he is lost in his life, and that this is another blow but that he appreciates my honesty and that I didn't lead him on for months like the other girl's have in the past. He is just a depressed person. But, he is such a sweet, caring, sensitive, and funny guy. He is everything that I should want in a relationship, but I am not ready for one, and beyond that I just don't feel that way about him. He deserves to be loved and I feel so bad for him that he cannot seem to find it, he's barely had any girlfriends and is terribly shy.
I am just feeling so guilty about it now. I got on facebook, and saw that a little while after our lunch he posted "had the best lunch ever, and the food wasn't even that good." I wonder why I am not interested in him. I feel like I am only capable of being interested in the most unhealthy, unavailable people. When a good guy looks me right in the face I am unmoved. I do realize he was having a sort of pity party and I tried to explain that a relationship won't improve his whole life. Also that in order to be happy some soul-searching would need to be involved and that it goes much deeper than me. I just wish I could sort out these feelings and know that I made the best decision for me at this time. Any feedback I would greatly appreciate.