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Guilt

Old 10-03-2010, 08:41 PM
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Guilt

I wasn't going to post about this, because I thought I could handle the emotion on my own, but I feel sick to my stomach. I am probably over-reacting. A friend of mine asked to take me to lunch today, he has always had a little crush on me. I went and we had a great time, we have great conversations and I enjoy spending time with him. After lunch we came back to my house and he visited with me and my daughter. He kept getting close to me, and I could feel that he wanted to kiss me so I told him I was tired and needed a nap.

Later on he texted me and said that he would like to come over tomorrow and talk to me, that we are good together and he wants to spend more time with me. I told him that while I enjoy spending time with him, that I am not emotionally ready for a relationship. He said he completely understood, and that he is here for me no matter what. I asked him if he was upset and he said "no, i'm pretty used to it by now." He then proceeded to say how he is sick of always only being the friend, and that he is depressed in his life and just wants someone to wake up to who he actually really wants to see. He is afraid that he is going to get cancer, as his mom died of colon cancer and his dad is currently dying of it as well. He says he is lost in his life, and that this is another blow but that he appreciates my honesty and that I didn't lead him on for months like the other girl's have in the past. He is just a depressed person. But, he is such a sweet, caring, sensitive, and funny guy. He is everything that I should want in a relationship, but I am not ready for one, and beyond that I just don't feel that way about him. He deserves to be loved and I feel so bad for him that he cannot seem to find it, he's barely had any girlfriends and is terribly shy.

I am just feeling so guilty about it now. I got on facebook, and saw that a little while after our lunch he posted "had the best lunch ever, and the food wasn't even that good." I wonder why I am not interested in him. I feel like I am only capable of being interested in the most unhealthy, unavailable people. When a good guy looks me right in the face I am unmoved. I do realize he was having a sort of pity party and I tried to explain that a relationship won't improve his whole life. Also that in order to be happy some soul-searching would need to be involved and that it goes much deeper than me. I just wish I could sort out these feelings and know that I made the best decision for me at this time. Any feedback I would greatly appreciate.
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Old 10-03-2010, 08:45 PM
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Whoa. He may very well be depressed missb, but that sure does look like manipulation on his part to me.

You can't fix him honey.
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Old 10-03-2010, 09:03 PM
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I agree with Still. Depressed people aren't a lot better relationship material than alcoholics. They may not do some of the nutty things addicts do, but they can still suck you dry, emotionally.

There are healthy people out there. You don't need to rush into another relationship just yet. Get some time to know MissB, ya know? Give yourself some time to feel secure and happy in your own skin, and you will eventually find yourself attracted to someone not mortally wounded.
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Old 10-04-2010, 12:20 AM
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From your post, you feel guilty cos your 'friend' is laying a guilt trip on you! No is a complete sentence and you have every right to make choices based on your needs rather than someone else's! What a load of manipulative BS to dump on you. This really ticks me off - XAH had me dancing to his tune with this knid of emotional blackmail.
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Old 10-04-2010, 07:06 AM
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Originally Posted by missb89 View Post
I feel sick to my stomach. I am probably over-reacting.... I am just feeling so guilty about it now.... I wonder why I am not interested in him. I feel like I am only capable of being interested in the most unhealthy, unavailable people.
Any time I interact with someone else, and that interaction leaves me feeling sick to my stomach, questioning my own abilities, and feeling guilty (or otherwise feeling badly), that is a warning signal to me that this person is not good for me. If it happens often enough, or each time I interact with that person, I KNOW that this person is toxic for me. I have learned to practice Accepting that sometimes two people simply do not work together. It does not mean I have to judge that person, or judge myself, or question my own wellness or his. It means simply that I need to choose whether or not I want to continue feeling that way. Then, I Accept responsibility for what is within my control (because NO ONE is going to do that for me), and I make the healthiest choice FOR ME. It also means that I have to Let Go of any need I think I have of that person, and any wants and expectations I have of that person.

It has taken me so long to start ACTING on what my body and my soul tell me about other people. I have learned that certain types of people are simply bad for me, my mental health, and my life. I have to continually practice (every day) avoiding those kinds of people, and keeping them out of my life. Some people will be very persistent and call me and email, try to talk to me, etc. I go AROUND them now, avoid them, and refuse to have them in my space. Sometimes I do slip and allow someone who is toxic but seems to not be so on purpose (in other words, they seem innocent), and then several days later, after I have been sick in my head, worried, anxious, negative, and doing nothing with my life I realize why it was I decided to avoid that person in the first place. It's really hard. Other people really affect me.

As for the details about all the things this guy said to you, it sounds to me like he is dumping on you things that he needs to work out with a professional such as a counselor. These things are NOT your problem and you can refuse to feel the guilt about it. You did NOT cause his problems and you cannot control or eliminate his problems. Refuse to accept responsibility for this persons problems. You have enough on your plate, don't you? We ALL have enough of our own issues and problems that we are trying to take care of. Let him take care of his. When I get guilt like you have gotten I say to myself, "Mind your own business." Yes, it sounds harsh but it makes my guilt go away. If you still want to be friends with him and spend time with him, you might try reading up on how to set and communicate Boundaries.

Take good care of yourself missb89. You're doing great.
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Old 10-04-2010, 09:22 PM
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Thank you all. Just posting made me feel better and that I had made the right decision. I do feel sympathy for my friend, but I know that only he can change his life, as only I can change mine. What he said does sound manipulative now that I look at it again, although I don't think he was saying those things to be evil or to take advantage of me like XABF. Then again, who really knows? It seems as though he is probably embarrassed now by my turning him down, so we'll have some space between us anyways. I doubt he'll want to hang out again any time soon, and honestly, I'm okay with that. Even if he was Mr. perfect and healthy and all that and a bag of chips I'm still a thousand miles away from being ready for a relationship. After breaking with XABF, and finding this site, I am just on the very beginning of a long road to finding, and healing myself and that has to remain my number one priority. Thanks again.
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Old 10-05-2010, 05:36 AM
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I'm glad you came around to realizing you are not responsible for his feelings! To me, it sounded like you were carrying way too much weight from a simple "no"! Unless you were leading him on big time (and I'm sure you weren't), you have nothing at all, nothing, to feel guilty about.

I agree that I'd be worried about getting involved with someone who threw that all back at me after a simple lunch. If his expectations were too high, that's HIS problem.
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