I'm reading your statement to mean that you didn't begin to drink beforwe you were 30 years old and that now you have been drinking and are 40...let me know if I am wrong. And you are saying you were not happy before you began to drink...which is part of the reason you starters drinking. I don't think you should go back to wherever you were emotionally before you drank..but instead embrace a new you who isnneither your old pre-drinking self nor your drinking self. If you aren't sure who that person is maybe find someone to help you figure it out. I have a life coach for that reason...I have made huge strides forward. Because of her help And my sobriety.