caribbean

Hi everyone,

Reading some threads on this forum (after googling "first AA meeting") helped give me the courage to attend my first AA meeting a few days ago. In the spirit of giving back, I wanted to share my story in case it helps someone else.

Brief background -- I realized recently that I wanted to reduce my alcohol intake or quit drinking altogether, after I ended a relationship that was the first one in quite some time that I realized its ending had nothing to do with alcohol... the first in about 10 years, I realized. And on reflection, that was only because it was a long-distance relationship, so I managed to hide my drinking from him pretty effectively for the several months we were together -- otherwise the end surely would have been eventually the same as all the others. This isn't my first time questioning whether I have a problem with alcohol, but it's the first serious motivator to change it. Shame never did that for me, believe it or not, and I did some pretty horrific things when drunk.

So, fine. I started tracking my drinking using abstar.org's online tracker -- just to see what things looked like. I found that my drinking was pretty reasonable when my sweetie was visiting me (before we decided to part ways due to distance). No surprise; I substituted him as my drug during those times -- but when we did drink together, I usually wanted more than I wound up having. I decided to try 30 days alcohol-free to see what that would look like. I debated going to AA, but I decided to try it on my own first.

Well, I white-knuckled four whole days sober. Some of that time was a struggle, but for the most part I was enjoying feeling healthier. I did have to drink a couple of cups of chamomile tea to wind down at night, but mostly it wasn't too bad. I don't remember whether there was a particular factor that led me one evening to say "f* it" and I decided to open a bottle of good wine to unwind. I had only a glass of it for the next few nights and was proud of myself, but them came a girls' night and we finished two bottles among the three of us (and one of us is a lightweight; she had maybe two small glasses). That was the point where I really and truly realized I wasn't going to get out of this by myself. I had to at least give AA a shot.

I had the list of meetings open on my computer for three days before I finally got up the courage to attend one. I was anxious about walking into a room full of strangers, anxious about even finding the right room, anxious about asking the wrong person whether I was in the right place and having them reject me in some way, anxious about how much I would stand out (this is a not a small town, but 45,000 people isn't that big of a community, either).

Finally I picked a meeting in an area I was pretty familiar with, mapped it out, and showed up about 7 minutes before the start time. It wasn't really clear where the meeting room was, but I followed the stream of people heading in, and I was pretty sure I was in the right place when I saw a group of smokers clustered around the door outside.

It was the group's monthly speaker meeting, which I was glad about because I felt it would be easier for me to sit in the room and not say anything. I got a cup of tea and found a seat without feeling too uncomfortable. The room filled up (there were about 40 people, many more than I expected). It was a pretty even mix of women and men, maybe a few more guys. All ages, from 20s to 60s, although mostly folks over 40. The meeting began right on time.

We started with the serenity prayer, and then the leader asked if anyone was here for their first meeting. I hadn't decided whether I would or not, but I was feeling comfortable so I raised my hand and introduced myself by name. Everyone greeted me. Then the preamble and 12 steps were read and passed around among the first dozen or so people on one side of the room. I wasn't expecting the next piece -- after the preamble was read, everyone else in the room was expected to introduce themselves by name, and everyone identified themselves as an alcoholic. When it came back to me, I said my name again and said "this is my first meeting," but it made me a bit uncomfortable to have introduced myself now twice. I also felt self-conscious being the only one in a room of 40+ people not identifying as an alcoholic.

The introductions were finished and the speaker began. I was very impressed by how present he was able to be and how in touch with his feelings he was throughout the time he spoke. One of the things he mentioned was how insecure he always felt and still does, but he no longer hides behind alcohol and faces those fears instead.

There was time for a little bit of "discussion" after the speaker finished, so a few people shared their thoughts. This was the first time I learned about the concept of "the RIDs" -- feeling restless, irritable, and discontented. Boy do I know that feeling well, and alcohol is a great temporary fix for it!! It was nice to know I am not the only one who has felt that way, the feeling that I've got to have/do something to keep from going insane or jumping out of my skin. I was never able to just "be".

The basket was passed during this time, and then we closed by joining hands, reciting the serenity prayer again, and finished with a chant of "it works if you work it, keep coming back" (which I found a little hokey).

While the speaker was talking, the leader passed around a copy of the Big Book that all of the women in the group put their phone numbers in (a couple chose to put their names but not their numbers). She presented it to me at the end of the meeting, said "I assume you are here because you have a desire to stop drinking," and told me to call any one of them if I felt like drinking.

At the same time, another woman came over to chat with me and said something like "I can remember how I felt during my first meeting; it was pretty scary." She was the person in the room I identified most closely with myself as I was looking around the room, in terms of age and general characteristics, so I was glad to be making a connection with her. We chatted for a bit and she made sure to give me her name and told me to call her. I said I would do that (and I did, the following day -- we're meeting for coffee next week).

The energy of the meeting felt very much like everybody had a particular agenda of why they were there and who they wanted to catch up with (many people seemed to know each other). I didn't want to hang around, preferring to process what I'd just done instead, and I also was afraid of having a conversation that would leave me uncomfortable -- so I chose to escape on a good note.

I've been to another meeting since then and am going to another tonight -- didn't make it yesterday, because I arrived at the meeting spot late and didn't want to walk in after everyone had already started. (I know I could have, but I'm not ready for that yet -- especially with my phobia about walking into the wrong place!).

I haven't had too much of a struggle with wanting to drink on days when I went to meetings, but it was definitely harder on the day that I did not go. I haven't found a sponsor or "officially" started the 12 steps (although I'd already read the AA book) yet. I have definitely been eating more instead of drinking when I feel the "RIDs", though -- as I get to know more people in the program, I will probably feel more comfortable calling on them for help during times like that. I'm not there yet, though.

Wishing you all the best in recovery!