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first AA meeting - my story

Old 10-03-2010, 01:38 PM
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first AA meeting - my story

Hi everyone,

Reading some threads on this forum (after googling "first AA meeting") helped give me the courage to attend my first AA meeting a few days ago. In the spirit of giving back, I wanted to share my story in case it helps someone else.

Brief background -- I realized recently that I wanted to reduce my alcohol intake or quit drinking altogether, after I ended a relationship that was the first one in quite some time that I realized its ending had nothing to do with alcohol... the first in about 10 years, I realized. And on reflection, that was only because it was a long-distance relationship, so I managed to hide my drinking from him pretty effectively for the several months we were together -- otherwise the end surely would have been eventually the same as all the others. This isn't my first time questioning whether I have a problem with alcohol, but it's the first serious motivator to change it. Shame never did that for me, believe it or not, and I did some pretty horrific things when drunk.

So, fine. I started tracking my drinking using abstar.org's online tracker -- just to see what things looked like. I found that my drinking was pretty reasonable when my sweetie was visiting me (before we decided to part ways due to distance). No surprise; I substituted him as my drug during those times -- but when we did drink together, I usually wanted more than I wound up having. I decided to try 30 days alcohol-free to see what that would look like. I debated going to AA, but I decided to try it on my own first.

Well, I white-knuckled four whole days sober. Some of that time was a struggle, but for the most part I was enjoying feeling healthier. I did have to drink a couple of cups of chamomile tea to wind down at night, but mostly it wasn't too bad. I don't remember whether there was a particular factor that led me one evening to say "f* it" and I decided to open a bottle of good wine to unwind. I had only a glass of it for the next few nights and was proud of myself, but them came a girls' night and we finished two bottles among the three of us (and one of us is a lightweight; she had maybe two small glasses). That was the point where I really and truly realized I wasn't going to get out of this by myself. I had to at least give AA a shot.

I had the list of meetings open on my computer for three days before I finally got up the courage to attend one. I was anxious about walking into a room full of strangers, anxious about even finding the right room, anxious about asking the wrong person whether I was in the right place and having them reject me in some way, anxious about how much I would stand out (this is a not a small town, but 45,000 people isn't that big of a community, either).

Finally I picked a meeting in an area I was pretty familiar with, mapped it out, and showed up about 7 minutes before the start time. It wasn't really clear where the meeting room was, but I followed the stream of people heading in, and I was pretty sure I was in the right place when I saw a group of smokers clustered around the door outside.

It was the group's monthly speaker meeting, which I was glad about because I felt it would be easier for me to sit in the room and not say anything. I got a cup of tea and found a seat without feeling too uncomfortable. The room filled up (there were about 40 people, many more than I expected). It was a pretty even mix of women and men, maybe a few more guys. All ages, from 20s to 60s, although mostly folks over 40. The meeting began right on time.

We started with the serenity prayer, and then the leader asked if anyone was here for their first meeting. I hadn't decided whether I would or not, but I was feeling comfortable so I raised my hand and introduced myself by name. Everyone greeted me. Then the preamble and 12 steps were read and passed around among the first dozen or so people on one side of the room. I wasn't expecting the next piece -- after the preamble was read, everyone else in the room was expected to introduce themselves by name, and everyone identified themselves as an alcoholic. When it came back to me, I said my name again and said "this is my first meeting," but it made me a bit uncomfortable to have introduced myself now twice. I also felt self-conscious being the only one in a room of 40+ people not identifying as an alcoholic.

The introductions were finished and the speaker began. I was very impressed by how present he was able to be and how in touch with his feelings he was throughout the time he spoke. One of the things he mentioned was how insecure he always felt and still does, but he no longer hides behind alcohol and faces those fears instead.

There was time for a little bit of "discussion" after the speaker finished, so a few people shared their thoughts. This was the first time I learned about the concept of "the RIDs" -- feeling restless, irritable, and discontented. Boy do I know that feeling well, and alcohol is a great temporary fix for it!! It was nice to know I am not the only one who has felt that way, the feeling that I've got to have/do something to keep from going insane or jumping out of my skin. I was never able to just "be".

The basket was passed during this time, and then we closed by joining hands, reciting the serenity prayer again, and finished with a chant of "it works if you work it, keep coming back" (which I found a little hokey).

While the speaker was talking, the leader passed around a copy of the Big Book that all of the women in the group put their phone numbers in (a couple chose to put their names but not their numbers). She presented it to me at the end of the meeting, said "I assume you are here because you have a desire to stop drinking," and told me to call any one of them if I felt like drinking.

At the same time, another woman came over to chat with me and said something like "I can remember how I felt during my first meeting; it was pretty scary." She was the person in the room I identified most closely with myself as I was looking around the room, in terms of age and general characteristics, so I was glad to be making a connection with her. We chatted for a bit and she made sure to give me her name and told me to call her. I said I would do that (and I did, the following day -- we're meeting for coffee next week).

The energy of the meeting felt very much like everybody had a particular agenda of why they were there and who they wanted to catch up with (many people seemed to know each other). I didn't want to hang around, preferring to process what I'd just done instead, and I also was afraid of having a conversation that would leave me uncomfortable -- so I chose to escape on a good note.

I've been to another meeting since then and am going to another tonight -- didn't make it yesterday, because I arrived at the meeting spot late and didn't want to walk in after everyone had already started. (I know I could have, but I'm not ready for that yet -- especially with my phobia about walking into the wrong place!).

I haven't had too much of a struggle with wanting to drink on days when I went to meetings, but it was definitely harder on the day that I did not go. I haven't found a sponsor or "officially" started the 12 steps (although I'd already read the AA book) yet. I have definitely been eating more instead of drinking when I feel the "RIDs", though -- as I get to know more people in the program, I will probably feel more comfortable calling on them for help during times like that. I'm not there yet, though.

Wishing you all the best in recovery!
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Old 10-03-2010, 01:49 PM
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Welcome to the SR family! I'm glad you enjoyed your meetings. Every meeting is different so if you find one or two you don't care for, there are lots of others to try.

I hope that we, and AA, can help you stay on the road to recovery. I've been sober ten months now and my whole life is better in so many ways. Yours can be too.
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Old 10-03-2010, 01:51 PM
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Thanks for sharing your story--I'm sure it will make a lot of people more comfortable about going to their first meeting (which wasn't really so scary after all, now, was it?).

I remember early on wandering into an NA meeting by mistake (both groups met at the same time). No big deal, I wandered back out and found my peeps!
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Old 10-03-2010, 02:42 PM
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Thank you both for the welcome! I have to say, I did happen to pick a good meeting -- the second meeting I attended was a different experience, and, although it was not negative, I felt less comfortable with the group of people who attended there (great folks, but they seemed to have less in common with me overall).

I'm going to keep checking out different meetings to see what works. I am blessed with the luxury of having a number of options for now... I am visiting the States for a few months. When I go back to my island home, there are only two groups, and it is such a small community, it's really barely enough for there to be one group. As a friend of mine puts it, "There's only one A down here" (meaning there is really no anonymity).

I guess I also wanted to "test drive" both the fellowship and the program before committing to both in the intimacy of my hometown -- this way, if I fail or decide against continuing my recovery journey via AA, it's not like the whole island will know! I realize, of course, that this is just another aspect of a fear I need to face in my life anyway...
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Old 10-03-2010, 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by caribbean View Post
I haven't had too much of a struggle with wanting to drink on days when I went to meetings, but it was definitely harder on the day that I did not go.

I haven't found a sponsor or "officially" started the 12 steps (although I'd already read the AA book) yet. I have definitely been eating more instead of drinking when I feel the "RIDs", though -- as I get to know more people in the program, I will probably feel more comfortable calling on them for help during times like that. I'm not there yet, though.

Wishing you all the best in recovery!
that first sentence I quoted is part of the magic of being in a room of recovered drunks. I can't but somehow WE can... Those rooms and the energy you can just FEEL in there was my higher power for quite a long time even though I fancied myself a "good Catholic boy." While I had a belief in a God, I sure as heck didn't believe He'd be bothered with helping me with this drinking problem. I just figured it was something I was going to have to do on my own. When AA OBVIOUSLY reached out their hands to me, gave me #'s to call, said hi to me at meetings, and so forth - I started to have the first glimmer of hope that this deal was possible. What a different feeling!!

Restless, Irritable and Discontent...... the calling card of untreated alcoholism. Almost like a scout-team, out on patrol, just checkin in to see how pliable you are to grabbing that next drink. THAT'S what those steps treat though. Take away that compulsion completely and eradicate the insanity that convinces you that next "just one" is ok and you're off on the sobriety path.

Thanks for the story. You brought back some memories that will come in handy as I've got a new fella' to work with.
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Old 10-04-2010, 05:24 AM
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carribian, thanks for sharing. I am fairly new to AA also, but it is making a big difference in my life as well finally admitting I am powerless over alcohol and finding God. I am going through some ups and downs, downs in the evening mostly. I'm not knuckling anymore and have found peace working the steps and through God. However.... the "RIDS", that is the first time I have heard of that acronym. That really hit me last night, I was all of the above. I thought it was just being very tired, not sure. Still trying to figure out why, I've been praying a lot and today is a new day and a gift granted from God. Thank you for sharing your experience.
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Old 10-04-2010, 07:42 AM
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Thanks for sharing this
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Old 10-04-2010, 08:27 AM
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for sharing your progres with us....

I'm one of those AA members who find meeting
vital to my recovery.
Heading out to a noon one in a bit.

Please keep in focus and stay here with us
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Old 10-04-2010, 08:32 AM
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Went to AA once then didn't go back to the new year when I went on a 4 day bender, went back to drinking and it drove me deep into the AA program. What drove me back? I knew that there was a better way to live and feel good. I just had to work at it. I was so sick, not eating and drinking vodka all day. Ugh. Poor and gross.
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Old 10-04-2010, 09:04 AM
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At the same time, another woman came over to chat with me and said something like "I can remember how I felt during my first meeting; it was pretty scary." She was the person in the room I identified most closely with myself as I was looking around the room, in terms of age and general characteristics, so I was glad to be making a connection with her. We chatted for a bit and she made sure to give me her name and told me to call her. I said I would do that (and I did, the following day -- we're meeting for coffee next week).
This is SO important! Major kudos to you for having the courage and following through on doing what you said you would do by calling her. For me, this was one of the hardest things....making connections and meeting women in recovery. I felt and still do to some extent that I wouldn't measure up. It's crazy because I have never had so much in common with so many women!

Originally Posted by caribbean View Post
I haven't had too much of a struggle with wanting to drink on days when I went to meetings, but it was definitely harder on the day that I did not go.
For me, this statement is key. I am 108 days into my recovery. I attend meetings every day (a mix of AA and NA). In the beginning there were days when I needed to go to 2-3-4 meetings a day. When I felt the anxiety of being in my own skin....off to a meeting I would go. I haven't had that need for a while now. It gets better every day....my obsession to use has been replaced by the comfort of knowing I don't have to change the way I feel today - not that I don't think about using, it's just different.
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Old 10-04-2010, 11:50 AM
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I know exactly how you feel Carribean. I have used relationships to keep me away from the bottle but I liken it to using a band aid. I just got out of a similar long distance relationship and when it ended I went back to my old ways for about 3 weeks until I said enough is enough already.

It also sounds like you found yourself a nice meeting. I am very happy for you.
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Old 10-04-2010, 12:20 PM
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Yes, it is totally a bandaid -- you are right!

Just like alcohol is a bandaid for other problems/fears in my life, I used the presence of someone else in my life, as well as the happy feelings I got from spending time with that person, as a way to avoid the problem of drinking and the fears that *that* covered up.

It wasn't sustainable, and neither was my drinking solution (what it was before I had to admit it was a drinking problem, ha ha).

I've been to three very different meetings now, all positive experiences. Looking forward to another tonight.
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Old 10-04-2010, 12:54 PM
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Hi Caribbean, welcome. I was married twice (5 yrs and 6 yrs) and didn't drink during either of my marriages but I definetly made up for in between....Good luck with AA
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Old 06-30-2011, 08:51 AM
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I just wanted to follow up here. Today is nine months since my first AA meeting, which is what I use to count my sobriety date. I could never have believed back then that I would really make it this long without a drink; I just wanted to learn how to control my drinking, get better, and get done with that AA sh*t.

I've learned so much in those nine months, wouldn't trade it for all the booze I could drink for the rest of my life. Even if that were an option!!

Peace,
Caribbean
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