akrasia

You wrote: the way the plan will work is this: While she's in rehab I'll be looking after the kids in the home we live in at the moment. We have a very good child minder who's almost part of the family. She will be helping me with the practical stuff like fetching the kids from school because I work.

When AW returns from rehab our child minder will move into the house and I will move out. The children will stay in the house with their mother during the three month probationary period, and we will share the kids's duties, so I'll get them on weekends etc. The child minder has agreed to move into the house for this time to assist AW with the kids' routine.

Here, I say this with respect for what you're going through, but when I read this the hackles on the back of my neck went up. Forgive me, but I think you're eliding over some problems that best be addressed now.

To my mind, a child-minder is a nanny. Do I have that right? A professional who looks after kids--is obviously old enough to drive and do light chores around the house, but usually a young person.

You're hinging this whole arrangement around the child-minder. She's most definitely not part of the family, and when you say she's "moving into the house," I doubt her name will be on a lease or anything. I presume her being able to stay there is part of her payment package. You're expecting her to be the sole responsible adult taking care of your children. And a live-in nurse and all-around wrangler for an out-of-control alcoholic.

Have you laid all this out for her? You're sure you can count on her to do all that? Three months is a long time. She might very well be saying "Sure, sure, no problem," but that's what young people say when they're hoping something will work out. What happens when she bails? Or if her parents find out and forbid her from getting involved?

I agree you might want to be the one who stays in the home...

Edited to add: Oh, I see the idea of your moving out is one of the concessions. I don't know how big your house is; is it absolutely impossible to live under the same roof (with different bedrooms, different schedules), even if it means white-knuckling it during those three months? I don't know. If the court has agreed that her alcoholism is out of control I'm surprised they are okay with her having sole custody right after rehab...

Sorry you're going through this.