Slowly, slowly catches the monkey...

Old 10-02-2010, 01:55 PM
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Slowly, slowly catches the monkey...

You may or may not be familiar with my situation - I'm in the middle of a divorce, I got served in May by my AW. Over a period of three years of hectic drinking she's in a complete state of denial about her problem, absolutely refuses to do anything meaningful about her addiction and blames me for everything wrong in her life.

I countered the divorce conditions, namely that she get primary custody of the kids, based on the fact that she is an alcoholic. After much exchanging of words between her lawyer and mine I suggested to her that we try and mediate a settlement. She agreed to be part of that process as long as it was someone she was comfortable with. The person I chose was also recommended by HER lawyer and her therapist. I chose this person because I didn't want a situation where she could say I picked someone her "team" didn't approve of.

Upon hearing about our circumstances, the mediator decided that she needed to do a full investigation of the family. She's a forensic psychologist. She spent over two months interviewing various people, the kids etc. We had our closing session with her a week ago and I'm elated about the outcome.

The recommendation goes something like this. My AW must attend a reputable rehab and complete their programme for alcoholism. Upon successful completion, she will be monitored by an addiction counselor for a period of three months, during which time I will move out of the family home. (We have two properties so I'll move into the other one). In this time, if she maintains sobriety she will be considered fit to have custody of the kids. If she doesn't manage it, custody will revert to me. Various mechanisms have been put in place to check her ongoing sobriety and I'm comfortable with them, and the people involved who know her.

This recommendation is not merely someone's opinion. It carries legal weight. Her report can be used as a very strong motivation for me getting custody of the kids should this end up in court. In fact the psych told me I'm almost guaranteed of custody should it go this far. Both our lawyers will receive a copy of it and it finally lays to rest AW's denial to me, her lawyer and all her friends and family about her alcoholism.

So AW's choices are stark. She must choose between booze and her children. It didn't have to be this way, but she's fought so hard against me in this entire time that these are what her choices have become.

During the final session AW actually had the brass balls to ask the psych if rehab was the only way. The psych simply said that as an accountable professional she can give her no option but rehab and sobriety as a condition for being a legal guardian of small children.

This stuff may be totally obvious to any sane, rational person, but it's like a hammer blow to AW. I'm finally in a position where I'm calling the shots about her drinking. If she delays booking herself in to rehab, I will proceed with legal contestation of the divorce, armed with this report. If she goes to rehab simply because she has to, and emerges from it determined to drink again, I get the kids by default. And finally, if she makes use of this opportunity to actually confront her addiction, our kids get their mom back and everyone's lives improve.

So it's been a case of slowly, slowly catches the monkey. It's cost money and time but finally there will be actual, tangible consequences to her actions.
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Old 10-02-2010, 02:23 PM
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Congrats on a good outcome. I hope she succeeds--it will benefit the children a great deal to have a sober mom, regardless who has primary custody.

I'd be careful about this, though:
I'm finally in a position where I'm calling the shots about her drinking.
SHE is the only one who calls the shots on her drinking. What you have done is to set up a legal mechanism that will protect your kids--which is not to be minimized. Hats off to you for that--seriously. Just be careful about taking any credit for whatever happens. It's up to her, now.
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Old 10-02-2010, 02:59 PM
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Perhaps that should read I finally call the shots about the consequences of her drinking, not the drinking itself. Up until now there has been no real price to pay for her drunken antics, except for her dealing very dismissively with everyone's concerns about her when they've voiced their concerns to her. I agree with you, only she can control the booze.
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Old 10-02-2010, 03:40 PM
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Congrats to you!! I bet the validation of having a professional look her in the face and tell her what she has to do to be a mother to her children after all this time her scoffing at you saying it, must be overwhelming. Yes, finally!! And the beautiful part is those consequences are nothing you are responsible for. No breath sniffing. No trying to catch her drinking. No checking trash cans for bottles or cans. This is someone she agreed to take her walking papers from and now she has them. It's all on her and not on you. BRAVO!!

Now it's time to get on with your own recovery. Her drama is now her problem and you can concentrate on what you want to do going forward.

Are the kids with you now? Will they be moving with you?

Alice
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Old 10-02-2010, 04:12 PM
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This great news for your children. You must be so relieved!
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Old 10-02-2010, 05:41 PM
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It is frustrating dealing with denial.

Congratulations, glad you finally have some good legal backup to help you keep the kids safe. The kids are usually the greatest casualties of alcoholism.

Good job.

It would be nice if your wife sobered up. But odds are, your are gonna be a single dad. Main thing, the kids will be safe. I know that's a big worry off you.

Also it's great to finally have all you've put up with validated.

Thanks and God bless us all,
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Old 10-02-2010, 11:23 PM
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Thanks for all your support,

Alice, the way the plan will work is this: While she's in rehab I'll be looking after the kids in the home we live in at the moment. We have a very good child minder who's almost part of the family. She will be helping me with the practical stuff like fetching the kids from school because I work.

When AW returns from rehab our child minder will move into the house and I will move out. The children will stay in the house with their mother during the three month probationary period, and we will share the kids's duties, so I'll get them on weekends etc. The child minder has agreed to move into the house for this time to assist AW with the kids' routine. I trust this woman with my children and she's also very aware of AW's drinking. The forensic psych (who is a child psychologist by training and approaches this from the childrens' needs) has concluded that there will be less disruption in their lives if they remain with their mother during this time.

The psych has made it abundantly clear though, that this is a probationary period and the final decision about who the kids will stay with will be based on AW's sobriety. She also stressed that, at any time after that if AW returns to her addiction, custody reverts to me. This will be built into the conditions of the parenting plan.

I'm OK with these conditions as AW is a competent mother (mostly) when she is sober. I also have such peace of mind now, words can't describe it. I feel like there are real controls in place now, as opposed to the fake controls we partners of alcoholics try and impose, like throwing the booze out etc etc. This is a legally-backed plan of action, revolving mostly around her recovery.

I'm also expected to bring my part of the deal here. The psych wants me to get counseling, for my own recovery and also for the what she calls the shock of the divorce and becoming a single parent.
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Old 10-03-2010, 05:04 AM
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hi 50p-

just wondering what the condition is on her sobriety...is it zero tolerance? as in, she has one drink and games over?

and how will you know? are there checks in place using breathalyzers?

and if she does drink post rehab, what happens then? she will be in the house with the children...kind of custody by default...and you will be living elsewhere...will you move back into the house then?

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Old 10-03-2010, 05:51 AM
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I am sure you are comforted by the knowledge that your children will be with a sober parent(s). They deserve that, and bravo to you for standing up for them. So many kids go to AM's just because they are the "mother". Kids should never be with an alcoholic. Thankfully, my kids are old enough to say where they want to be, and its just happens that they have picked the sober parent (me).
I can't begin to imagine what you have been through with her, we all have different situations, but my prayers are with you and your babies.
And with your wife. If she can do this , you all win.H
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Old 10-03-2010, 06:59 AM
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Hi Naive

Your concerns are the same as mine about the boozing, however the details of the plan include some form of random testing which she must be willing to submit to - most likely a breathalyzer. In terms of the "custody by default", here in South Africa there is no longer such thing as "custody" even though we still refer to the term. The correct term is "primary caregiver", most often the mother and "secondary caregiver", most often the dad. The laws have been revised in favour of the father which is excellent for a hands-on dad like myself, but bad news for absconding fathers. By law we have to draw up a parenting plan. This is a contract which sets the ground rules between us for who gets the kids when, who pays for what etc. These new laws are applicable to biological parents, regardless of marital status, so even if you go and make a woman pregnant, you are compelled to take responsibility for the child should she give birth.

In the probationary period post rehab she most certainly is not custodian by default, she's being assessed for fitness for such a role. And yes, it's pretty much zero tolerance. Indications that she's drinking will mean primary care reverts to me, that is the bottom line. A sober mom in the role of primary caregiver is what all of us are aiming and hoping for here. It's the blue-sky outcome.

However, in reality the following will probably happen. She'll delay booking in to rehab, citing endless reasons why she can't go now etc etc. This is where I've scored such a coup. Armed with the forensic psych's report, which would ordinarily happen only AFTER I formally contest the conditions of the divorce, I can apply to the state family advocate for primary care of the children, which I almost certainly will get. Therein lies the heart of this. She can no longer obfuscate, deny, belittle, poo-poo, undermine her addiction. There will be consequences. Serious ones.

I also have the peace of mind that, should she get custody, if she resumes her Amy Winehouse impersonations after that, I have legal recourse to gain primary caregiver status. She will have a documented, traceable history of alcohol abuse which just makes things so much easier for me should I sue for primary care.
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Old 10-03-2010, 07:20 AM
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There will be consequences. Serious ones.
That's IF she has more interest in her children than she does in the bottle. Not something that a lot of alcoholic parents have, unfortunately. Those consequences mean little to an active alcoholic other than a loss of outward "normalcy" some strive for.
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Old 10-03-2010, 07:33 AM
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Still Waters, yep, that's been my experience. I'm not optimistic she's going to treat this like the once-off opportunity it is.
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Old 10-03-2010, 07:52 AM
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i guess my concern is that you will have left the family home...

let's say she drinks and gets busted for it...is there any guarantee she will then leave the family home? are there any potential issues the courts could take regarding you abandoning the family by leaving the family home?

another concern is the reliance on your child-minder...is she now the booze police? is your plan relying on her for the safety of your children with a crafty alcoholic? what is the plan with the childminder should she witness your wife drinking? it's really putting this childminder in a rather difficult position, as her allegiance could be split between you and your wife. additiaonally, your wife might be able to pull the wool over her eyes, whereas she could not with you.

i guess i would feel more comfortable if it was your wife that shifted homes and that your presence was the one in the home.

i understand your strategy that she will probably delay rehab, perhaps indefinately, however being around these boards for awhile now, i have witnessed alcoholics digging in their heels and refusing to budge from homes.

also, 50p, have you taken steps to safeguard your financial resources?

naive
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Old 10-03-2010, 08:07 AM
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"i guess i would feel more comfortable if it was your wife that shifted homes and that your presence was the one in the home."

Believe me, so would I! ... however, the forensic psych in her role as mediator explained that she had to reach a middle ground between what we both want. So my concession is that I will move out.

In terms of monitoring her drinking, it has been made clear to the child minder that she need fear no repercussions to her employment if, in subsequent interviews she reveals that AW has been drinking. Simply put, she works for both of us, not AW exclusively. We have also had many private conversations about AW's addiction. We are on the same page about it.

In terms of my finances, I want that settled before I move out. Her maintenance claim is outrageous, more than 2/3 of my salary LOL. My laywer just laughed at it and said, ah, they always shoot for the moon. In reality, my contribution is worked out to a formula based on what I earn.

Nothing in this arrangement is getting agreed to by me before my lawyer gives it the nod.
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Old 10-03-2010, 08:16 AM
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You wrote: the way the plan will work is this: While she's in rehab I'll be looking after the kids in the home we live in at the moment. We have a very good child minder who's almost part of the family. She will be helping me with the practical stuff like fetching the kids from school because I work.

When AW returns from rehab our child minder will move into the house and I will move out. The children will stay in the house with their mother during the three month probationary period, and we will share the kids's duties, so I'll get them on weekends etc. The child minder has agreed to move into the house for this time to assist AW with the kids' routine.


Here, I say this with respect for what you're going through, but when I read this the hackles on the back of my neck went up. Forgive me, but I think you're eliding over some problems that best be addressed now.

To my mind, a child-minder is a nanny. Do I have that right? A professional who looks after kids--is obviously old enough to drive and do light chores around the house, but usually a young person.

You're hinging this whole arrangement around the child-minder. She's most definitely not part of the family, and when you say she's "moving into the house," I doubt her name will be on a lease or anything. I presume her being able to stay there is part of her payment package. You're expecting her to be the sole responsible adult taking care of your children. And a live-in nurse and all-around wrangler for an out-of-control alcoholic.

Have you laid all this out for her? You're sure you can count on her to do all that? Three months is a long time. She might very well be saying "Sure, sure, no problem," but that's what young people say when they're hoping something will work out. What happens when she bails? Or if her parents find out and forbid her from getting involved?

I agree you might want to be the one who stays in the home...

Edited to add: Oh, I see the idea of your moving out is one of the concessions. I don't know how big your house is; is it absolutely impossible to live under the same roof (with different bedrooms, different schedules), even if it means white-knuckling it during those three months? I don't know. If the court has agreed that her alcoholism is out of control I'm surprised they are okay with her having sole custody right after rehab...

Sorry you're going through this.

Last edited by akrasia; 10-03-2010 at 08:24 AM. Reason: crossposting
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Old 10-03-2010, 08:25 AM
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"Forgive me, but I think you're eliding over some problems that best be addressed now."

akrasia, I'm all ears to what you and naive are saying. I'm still processing the outcome of last Thursday's final session with the psych. I will take the time to process what you guys are saying too. Fortunately , nothing is cast in stone yet.

This is what I absolutely love and value about this place. It's like a panel of experts who make you think about things you haven't thought of yourself. And it's free!!
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Old 10-03-2010, 08:30 AM
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Aren't nannies or au pairs(sp?) common in his area of the world?
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Old 10-03-2010, 08:38 AM
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Yes it's a throwback to the bad old days of apartheid here. Black labour is cheap, hence even middle class earners such as ourselves can afford to employ full-time child minders.

I was reared with one, as are most white children. It sounds odd to outsiders, hence akrasia's raised eyebrow at that one, but they do in fact become like part of the family.

Ours has been with us since our eldest was born and she's been a pivotal part of the psych's investigation into the interior worlds of our children. She's perceived as a carer by both of them. I trust her entirely with our kids. She's not a student by the way, she's a an adult woman of thirty with two children of her own.
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Old 10-03-2010, 08:47 AM
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I think it's fabulous you can have such a thing actually. I know people here in the states who had nannies also.
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Old 10-03-2010, 08:50 AM
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A valued, trusted employee. Not part of the family. Not really a friend either--would you move into her house for three months and take care of her kids and her sick spouse if she needed it?

(Who's taking care of her kids during that period? Or are they moving in too?)

I just say that because it's significant here; even if she does stay the whole time, she's not an equal family member, but an employee. You can tell her that she'll have no negative consequences for "telling on" your wife and she'll pretend to believe you, but we both know that's not the case. And your alcoholic wife is going to exploit that power difference.
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