Slowly, slowly catches the monkey...
You may or may not be familiar with my situation - I'm in the middle of a divorce, I got served in May by my AW. Over a period of three years of hectic drinking she's in a complete state of denial about her problem, absolutely refuses to do anything meaningful about her addiction and blames me for everything wrong in her life.
I countered the divorce conditions, namely that she get primary custody of the kids, based on the fact that she is an alcoholic. After much exchanging of words between her lawyer and mine I suggested to her that we try and mediate a settlement. She agreed to be part of that process as long as it was someone she was comfortable with. The person I chose was also recommended by HER lawyer and her therapist. I chose this person because I didn't want a situation where she could say I picked someone her "team" didn't approve of.
Upon hearing about our circumstances, the mediator decided that she needed to do a full investigation of the family. She's a forensic psychologist. She spent over two months interviewing various people, the kids etc. We had our closing session with her a week ago and I'm elated about the outcome.
The recommendation goes something like this. My AW must attend a reputable rehab and complete their programme for alcoholism. Upon successful completion, she will be monitored by an addiction counselor for a period of three months, during which time I will move out of the family home. (We have two properties so I'll move into the other one). In this time, if she maintains sobriety she will be considered fit to have custody of the kids. If she doesn't manage it, custody will revert to me. Various mechanisms have been put in place to check her ongoing sobriety and I'm comfortable with them, and the people involved who know her.
This recommendation is not merely someone's opinion. It carries legal weight. Her report can be used as a very strong motivation for me getting custody of the kids should this end up in court. In fact the psych told me I'm almost guaranteed of custody should it go this far. Both our lawyers will receive a copy of it and it finally lays to rest AW's denial to me, her lawyer and all her friends and family about her alcoholism.
So AW's choices are stark. She must choose between booze and her children. It didn't have to be this way, but she's fought so hard against me in this entire time that these are what her choices have become.
During the final session AW actually had the brass balls to ask the psych if rehab was the only way. The psych simply said that as an accountable professional she can give her no option but rehab and sobriety as a condition for being a legal guardian of small children.
This stuff may be totally obvious to any sane, rational person, but it's like a hammer blow to AW. I'm finally in a position where I'm calling the shots about her drinking. If she delays booking herself in to rehab, I will proceed with legal contestation of the divorce, armed with this report. If she goes to rehab simply because she has to, and emerges from it determined to drink again, I get the kids by default. And finally, if she makes use of this opportunity to actually confront her addiction, our kids get their mom back and everyone's lives improve.
So it's been a case of slowly, slowly catches the monkey. It's cost money and time but finally there will be actual, tangible consequences to her actions.