LBW

I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about where I was 5 years ago... the desperation, guilt, self hatred... all because I was drinking too much but didn't know how to stop. And then I was thinking where I was today.

Today, I don't have it 100% figured out... I'm still working on myself and this drinking thing... but it occurs to me that I have come a long way. I am healthier and happier than I've ever been in my life. I started thinking about the people out there coming to this site who are like I was several years ago... I was thinking that maybe some of what I did can be of value to others.

I have a different story... and I have different solutions than AA.

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I was a functional alcoholic who was successful at college and my job. No one knew I had a problem with drinking as I did it only at night and it didn't interfere with my responsibilities. Pretty much my only trigger or reason for drinking was to party and or relax. Of course, at my worst, I felt like I needed to party and/or relax about every other night. However, I'm sure if I continued to drink like I was, I would have developed into a much bigger alcoholic who drank for any reason under the sun every day.

Luckily, I did stop my bad habits before I got there. My darkest years were after college between the ages of 23-28. When I started my family, things have gotten better because of gradual changes I have made to my habits and lifestyle.

When I became prego with my first baby, I quit drinking and smoking cigs... and then after he was born, I reduced my drinking alot from what it was before he was born. However, I still considered drinking to be the only way to have fun... so in my mind, I was drinking less because I was abstaining from having fun. Basically, I was what people call "white knuckling it". I held my drinking to once a week... but when I drank, I drank too much and sometimes did things to embarrass myself. I was like this for a couple of years.

Then I had an "incident" which brought me to this site about a year ago. This was a spiritual awakening for me. I quit drinking again with the pregnancy of my second baby. This time I did some major introspection which was when I was posting on this site all the time. I transformed my thinking drastically. I would like to share what I did because it has helped bring me to the place I am now... and, like I said, it's different than AA.

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Drinking all the time is a habit... a very ingrained, hard-to-break habit. And not just phyically, there's a whole range of mental habitual thinking habits that go with drinking all the time. That's what addiction is. You have to find other habits and ways of thinking to replace the drinking habits and thinking... AA is one way to go. AA works for many people. My sister and dad are examples to me. They are new people because of AA. They both have been sober for over a year now and go to meetings 3-4 days a week. The AA people are family to them. It is a positive thing in their life. They are both happier than I've ever seen!

It's just that... AA is not for me.... and it's not for everyone. I realize saying so is controversial... but there are people on this site who are like me so I feel it must be said.

I don't think AA is for me because of the whole "powerless" thing. It goes against my core belief. I like to think of myself as powerful and strong... not powerless. I also am turned off by all the God talk.

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Here's what I have found that works for me:

If you drink too much and you think that drinking is holding you back in life and happiness... If you want to make changes to your life, the first step is to stop drinking. Whether you are convinced you need to stop forever or not, you still have to stop for several months in order to make get perspective and make new habits and changes to your life.

I've read that it takes 90 days to repair your brain's functional ability to control urges. AA suggests going to meetings every day for 90 days. I think this is good... anything to break that habit. You have to stop, period.

You need to develop other habits and make lifestyle changes. Find a hobby or a goal... or at least something that you are passionate about. Some people use AA and like I said, that's ok... but if it's not for you, ask yourself if there is there something that you always wanted to do or that you used to do but you haven't done since you've been drinking all the time? Church, school, exercise, etc.? Maybe focus on that.

For instance, I was overweight while I was drinking all the time and it contributed to my guilt and self loathing. I focused on loosing weight in a healthy way by changing my eating habits. I did major research. I watched the Biggest Loser and Dr Oz. Then, I started running. I used to run in HS but hadn't done too much of it since then. I found a runner's club to join. I'm now at my ideal weight and I feel so much better about myself.

But I don't run anymore just to loose weight... I run now because it makes me feel great! I love it! I love my friends in my running club. I love picking races and acheiving goals. Of course, you could get this from any hobby, goal or organization you become involved with... you just have to find what you are passionate about. It may not come instantly or easily. Maybe you have to try some things out to figure out your passion. The trick is to try. You never know for sure unless you try.

Changing habits is hard. You can't focus on just "not doing something" like not drinking... To me, that doesn't work. You have to focus on doing something else. It takes time to make new habits, that's why you need to find something that you personally are passionate about because you have to stick with it. You have to make it a lifestyle change, not just something you are doing temporarily.

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But all that running and losing weight was what I did when I greatly reduced drinking but was still white knuckling it. It was the first step in my process. With the help of this site and some other books I've read, I took it to the next step.

When I really confronted my thinking that I could only have fun with drinking, things started to get better on the next level. I realized the illusion that I allowing myself to believe... you know what?! Alcohol was NOT the only way to have fun and be happy. Ah Ha moment for me!

I quit drinking again for several months. I took many people's advice from this site about enjoying the smaller things in life. I started reading books like Quatum Wellness - by Kathy Freston, The Power of Now and A New Earth - both by Eckart Tolley, and The Four Agreements -by I don't know who. Also, I watched the movie The Secret, which was also a book but I don't know the author's name. You can google them if your interested. Let me tell you, The Secret is awesome.... such a positive influence on my life.

After all this, I started what I have since discovered is called cognitative behavior therapy on myself. I did this by replacing bad thoughts where I told myself how bad I was... with positive thoughts like how grateful I am and how proud I am of myself. I replaced thoughts where I thought things were hard with positive thoughts about how this hard thing is a challenge and an opportunity to improve myself.

I started focusing on self improvement in every area of my life I could think of. My finances, clutter and organization in my house, decorating my house in a way that makes me happy, being the best mom I could be. Doing things to improve my children's happiness and my husband's. I even raised money for a charity that I was interested in.

I focused on eating healthy... less processed food, less fast food, less tv dinners, more real food that I make myself including whole grains, vegs, fruit, healthy fats, beans, nuts, etc. And guess what I was surprised to figure out... When you eat nutritious food, you feel better... not just physically, but also emotionally. Go figure! Focus on giving your body what it needs... and it doesn't need to be drowned in booze! I'm so grateful for my healthy body that put up with all the abuse I did to it and this body that gave me my kids and now that allows me to run... now I just want to do kind things to my body. I read three books... Food Rules by Michael Pollan, Blue Zones - by I forget who (just goggle it) and The Kind Diet -by Alcia Siliverstone. These books influenced me to change my eating lifestyle habits drastically.

Sometimes I get down and need a pick me up... I have figured out to do things off my to-do list that are low hanging fruit. Or I clean or organize something. I don't know why, and maybe I'm really weird, but doing things I've put off and organization and a clean house makes me so happy. I've found it to be a great habit to get into.

I have also cut out most television. I figure out what shows I like and I record them and watch only those shows when I have time. During the summer, that was only one show that came on once a week. Now that it's fall, I've got about 4-5 I record but I watch them every infrequently. It's amazing how much time you get to devote to things that are important, positive, and make you happy (like your family) once you cut down on TV.

I also had to cut out politics. I used to love politics, but honestly, the extremism gets me all fired up and that just makes me angry... Not to say I don't keep up with current events, there's just nothing positive that the politics bring to my life. I would say that's important... getting rid of things that are not positive in your life. It could be toxic people you have to avoid.

The gratitude thing is amazing. If you're down, just try this for a day or two.... write down things you are grateful for... with everything you do and everywhere you look, think about what you have to be grateful for with regard to that. Here's an example of how gratitude thinking might work: I don't "have" to change another poopy diaper... I "get" to change another poopy diaper because I am so fortunate to be with my babies and this is a special time in their life. -- Just a tiny change to the way you think about everything. It takes practice. It really becomes habit if you do it alot... and it makes you soooo happy. I swear! Don't allow yourself to focus on the bad and replace that thinking over time with the good. You can and will train your brain by doing this and you become happy.

And what is happiness? Happiness for me is putting my 3 year old to bed and listening to him sing and tell me funny stories. Happiness is watching my 6 month old learn something new and look at me with amazement when he does. Happiness is watching children, especially mine but really all children, laugh and play. Happiness is accomplishing something I didn't think I ever could... like running a marathon. Happiness is sitting down at the end of the day and being proud of what I've done that day... maybe there a few things I wish I could have done better... but I forgive myself because I know no one is perfect and I know I did my best...

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That being said, after my second baby was born I resumed drinking ...but only when I go out with my husband on dates about once a month. I wouldn't say I am "white knuckling it" this time though. I can honestly say, that with these changes I've made, I just don't think about drinking very often. I have so many other positive habits and basically a lifestyle that drinking just doesn't fit anymore... for the most part, except when we get a babysitter.

However, I'm not saying I should even be doing it then. I've still got to work on that... because when I do drink, however infrequently it has become, I still am reminded that I tend to drink too much and sometimes I do embarassing things. I also feel terrible the next day from a hang over and emotionally guilty. I'm continuing to soul search why I still feel the need to drink when I go out with my husband.

Maybe some people feel that the fact that I am drinking occassionally invalidates everything I am saying. This is the other problem I have with AA. I don't think every alcoholic is the same. I think every person's problem is unique and every solution is different.

I think some people need to eliminate drinking completely and forever. Maybe I'm one of them... I'm still working on it. But some people are maybe more of alcohol abusers, not alcoholics per se... and maybe they can "mature" out of drinking so much. In my experience every person I knew that was greek (i.e. fraternities and sororities) in college fit the definition of an alcoholic during college. Surely, they don't ALL have issues now. Some people mature out.

Also, maybe for some people quitting drinking is easier accomplished if it's a process... something done over time using gradual changes to lifestyle. I realize that AA advocates and some people are successful at going cold turkey and never looking back... but in my opinion, that's not the only way.

My whole point with this post was to tell anyone struggling out there that you CAN make changes and improve over time. I did. You can be proud of yourself for improvements you've made and you can be happy again.