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Alternatives to AA?

Old 10-01-2010, 05:08 AM
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LBW
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Alternatives to AA?

I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about where I was 5 years ago... the desperation, guilt, self hatred... all because I was drinking too much but didn't know how to stop. And then I was thinking where I was today.

Today, I don't have it 100% figured out... I'm still working on myself and this drinking thing... but it occurs to me that I have come a long way. I am healthier and happier than I've ever been in my life. I started thinking about the people out there coming to this site who are like I was several years ago... I was thinking that maybe some of what I did can be of value to others.

I have a different story... and I have different solutions than AA.

---
I was a functional alcoholic who was successful at college and my job. No one knew I had a problem with drinking as I did it only at night and it didn't interfere with my responsibilities. Pretty much my only trigger or reason for drinking was to party and or relax. Of course, at my worst, I felt like I needed to party and/or relax about every other night. However, I'm sure if I continued to drink like I was, I would have developed into a much bigger alcoholic who drank for any reason under the sun every day.

Luckily, I did stop my bad habits before I got there. My darkest years were after college between the ages of 23-28. When I started my family, things have gotten better because of gradual changes I have made to my habits and lifestyle.

When I became prego with my first baby, I quit drinking and smoking cigs... and then after he was born, I reduced my drinking alot from what it was before he was born. However, I still considered drinking to be the only way to have fun... so in my mind, I was drinking less because I was abstaining from having fun. Basically, I was what people call "white knuckling it". I held my drinking to once a week... but when I drank, I drank too much and sometimes did things to embarrass myself. I was like this for a couple of years.

Then I had an "incident" which brought me to this site about a year ago. This was a spiritual awakening for me. I quit drinking again with the pregnancy of my second baby. This time I did some major introspection which was when I was posting on this site all the time. I transformed my thinking drastically. I would like to share what I did because it has helped bring me to the place I am now... and, like I said, it's different than AA.

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Drinking all the time is a habit... a very ingrained, hard-to-break habit. And not just phyically, there's a whole range of mental habitual thinking habits that go with drinking all the time. That's what addiction is. You have to find other habits and ways of thinking to replace the drinking habits and thinking... AA is one way to go. AA works for many people. My sister and dad are examples to me. They are new people because of AA. They both have been sober for over a year now and go to meetings 3-4 days a week. The AA people are family to them. It is a positive thing in their life. They are both happier than I've ever seen!

It's just that... AA is not for me.... and it's not for everyone. I realize saying so is controversial... but there are people on this site who are like me so I feel it must be said.

I don't think AA is for me because of the whole "powerless" thing. It goes against my core belief. I like to think of myself as powerful and strong... not powerless. I also am turned off by all the God talk.

---
Here's what I have found that works for me:

If you drink too much and you think that drinking is holding you back in life and happiness... If you want to make changes to your life, the first step is to stop drinking. Whether you are convinced you need to stop forever or not, you still have to stop for several months in order to make get perspective and make new habits and changes to your life.

I've read that it takes 90 days to repair your brain's functional ability to control urges. AA suggests going to meetings every day for 90 days. I think this is good... anything to break that habit. You have to stop, period.

You need to develop other habits and make lifestyle changes. Find a hobby or a goal... or at least something that you are passionate about. Some people use AA and like I said, that's ok... but if it's not for you, ask yourself if there is there something that you always wanted to do or that you used to do but you haven't done since you've been drinking all the time? Church, school, exercise, etc.? Maybe focus on that.

For instance, I was overweight while I was drinking all the time and it contributed to my guilt and self loathing. I focused on loosing weight in a healthy way by changing my eating habits. I did major research. I watched the Biggest Loser and Dr Oz. Then, I started running. I used to run in HS but hadn't done too much of it since then. I found a runner's club to join. I'm now at my ideal weight and I feel so much better about myself.

But I don't run anymore just to loose weight... I run now because it makes me feel great! I love it! I love my friends in my running club. I love picking races and acheiving goals. Of course, you could get this from any hobby, goal or organization you become involved with... you just have to find what you are passionate about. It may not come instantly or easily. Maybe you have to try some things out to figure out your passion. The trick is to try. You never know for sure unless you try.

Changing habits is hard. You can't focus on just "not doing something" like not drinking... To me, that doesn't work. You have to focus on doing something else. It takes time to make new habits, that's why you need to find something that you personally are passionate about because you have to stick with it. You have to make it a lifestyle change, not just something you are doing temporarily.

---
But all that running and losing weight was what I did when I greatly reduced drinking but was still white knuckling it. It was the first step in my process. With the help of this site and some other books I've read, I took it to the next step.

When I really confronted my thinking that I could only have fun with drinking, things started to get better on the next level. I realized the illusion that I allowing myself to believe... you know what?! Alcohol was NOT the only way to have fun and be happy. Ah Ha moment for me!

I quit drinking again for several months. I took many people's advice from this site about enjoying the smaller things in life. I started reading books like Quatum Wellness - by Kathy Freston, The Power of Now and A New Earth - both by Eckart Tolley, and The Four Agreements -by I don't know who. Also, I watched the movie The Secret, which was also a book but I don't know the author's name. You can google them if your interested. Let me tell you, The Secret is awesome.... such a positive influence on my life.

After all this, I started what I have since discovered is called cognitative behavior therapy on myself. I did this by replacing bad thoughts where I told myself how bad I was... with positive thoughts like how grateful I am and how proud I am of myself. I replaced thoughts where I thought things were hard with positive thoughts about how this hard thing is a challenge and an opportunity to improve myself.

I started focusing on self improvement in every area of my life I could think of. My finances, clutter and organization in my house, decorating my house in a way that makes me happy, being the best mom I could be. Doing things to improve my children's happiness and my husband's. I even raised money for a charity that I was interested in.

I focused on eating healthy... less processed food, less fast food, less tv dinners, more real food that I make myself including whole grains, vegs, fruit, healthy fats, beans, nuts, etc. And guess what I was surprised to figure out... When you eat nutritious food, you feel better... not just physically, but also emotionally. Go figure! Focus on giving your body what it needs... and it doesn't need to be drowned in booze! I'm so grateful for my healthy body that put up with all the abuse I did to it and this body that gave me my kids and now that allows me to run... now I just want to do kind things to my body. I read three books... Food Rules by Michael Pollan, Blue Zones - by I forget who (just goggle it) and The Kind Diet -by Alcia Siliverstone. These books influenced me to change my eating lifestyle habits drastically.

Sometimes I get down and need a pick me up... I have figured out to do things off my to-do list that are low hanging fruit. Or I clean or organize something. I don't know why, and maybe I'm really weird, but doing things I've put off and organization and a clean house makes me so happy. I've found it to be a great habit to get into.

I have also cut out most television. I figure out what shows I like and I record them and watch only those shows when I have time. During the summer, that was only one show that came on once a week. Now that it's fall, I've got about 4-5 I record but I watch them every infrequently. It's amazing how much time you get to devote to things that are important, positive, and make you happy (like your family) once you cut down on TV.

I also had to cut out politics. I used to love politics, but honestly, the extremism gets me all fired up and that just makes me angry... Not to say I don't keep up with current events, there's just nothing positive that the politics bring to my life. I would say that's important... getting rid of things that are not positive in your life. It could be toxic people you have to avoid.

The gratitude thing is amazing. If you're down, just try this for a day or two.... write down things you are grateful for... with everything you do and everywhere you look, think about what you have to be grateful for with regard to that. Here's an example of how gratitude thinking might work: I don't "have" to change another poopy diaper... I "get" to change another poopy diaper because I am so fortunate to be with my babies and this is a special time in their life. -- Just a tiny change to the way you think about everything. It takes practice. It really becomes habit if you do it alot... and it makes you soooo happy. I swear! Don't allow yourself to focus on the bad and replace that thinking over time with the good. You can and will train your brain by doing this and you become happy.

And what is happiness? Happiness for me is putting my 3 year old to bed and listening to him sing and tell me funny stories. Happiness is watching my 6 month old learn something new and look at me with amazement when he does. Happiness is watching children, especially mine but really all children, laugh and play. Happiness is accomplishing something I didn't think I ever could... like running a marathon. Happiness is sitting down at the end of the day and being proud of what I've done that day... maybe there a few things I wish I could have done better... but I forgive myself because I know no one is perfect and I know I did my best...

---
That being said, after my second baby was born I resumed drinking ...but only when I go out with my husband on dates about once a month. I wouldn't say I am "white knuckling it" this time though. I can honestly say, that with these changes I've made, I just don't think about drinking very often. I have so many other positive habits and basically a lifestyle that drinking just doesn't fit anymore... for the most part, except when we get a babysitter.

However, I'm not saying I should even be doing it then. I've still got to work on that... because when I do drink, however infrequently it has become, I still am reminded that I tend to drink too much and sometimes I do embarassing things. I also feel terrible the next day from a hang over and emotionally guilty. I'm continuing to soul search why I still feel the need to drink when I go out with my husband.

Maybe some people feel that the fact that I am drinking occassionally invalidates everything I am saying. This is the other problem I have with AA. I don't think every alcoholic is the same. I think every person's problem is unique and every solution is different.

I think some people need to eliminate drinking completely and forever. Maybe I'm one of them... I'm still working on it. But some people are maybe more of alcohol abusers, not alcoholics per se... and maybe they can "mature" out of drinking so much. In my experience every person I knew that was greek (i.e. fraternities and sororities) in college fit the definition of an alcoholic during college. Surely, they don't ALL have issues now. Some people mature out.

Also, maybe for some people quitting drinking is easier accomplished if it's a process... something done over time using gradual changes to lifestyle. I realize that AA advocates and some people are successful at going cold turkey and never looking back... but in my opinion, that's not the only way.

My whole point with this post was to tell anyone struggling out there that you CAN make changes and improve over time. I did. You can be proud of yourself for improvements you've made and you can be happy again.
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Old 10-01-2010, 06:11 AM
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Thanks LBW, excellent write up.

You remind me of a friend of mine -- disabled war veteran who's wickedly intelligent and highly respected. He, like yourself, decided that he simply needed to quit drinking as it was clearly holding him back. He sought out a counselor's help on some of his personal issues but he did not use AA.

So he now regularly goes to the bars, drinks non alcoholic beer, socializes and enjoys himself without ever suffering any negative consequences. He, like yourself, has strong will power and discipline.

I know that I, me, do NOT have such strong will power and discipline. I am NOT going back to the bars and pretend that i am capable of abstinance (sp?). Maybe i could get away with it once or twice but i'd quickly get right back in to. Why risk it. Not worth it. I don't think most of us on here are capable of such.

BTW, i'm finding that NA is good place for my alcaholic self to be for right now. Good supportive place to go to while i'm trying to get back to those activities that i used to do before i started boozing so hard.
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Old 10-01-2010, 06:33 AM
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Awesome post! Thanks so much for sharing! I am doing many of the same things as you. I also gave up politics and TV....am eating healthy, taking care of my home, thinking positively and reading lots of books (you might like "the power of the subconscious mind").

I did give up cold Turkey but I drank longer and more heavily than you and I smoked pretty heavily as well...the two went together so I had to quit both to quit one.

One thing that I did was negative association with alcohol. Basically whenever I think about drinking I remind myself in exacting detail of how it feels to get sick from alcohol. I can't even smell alcohol today without gagging...that might help you on your rare drinking occurrences.

I really like what you said about one size does not fit all people. We are all unique and our solutions to our alcohol issues are also unique.

Thanks again!
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Old 10-01-2010, 06:48 AM
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I appreciate your write up sharing your experience, LBW. It's good stuff for people that have a drinking problem. Probably great advice for those that can drink in moderation.

Many people that find their way to this site are not people who can drink in moderation.
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Old 10-01-2010, 07:23 AM
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Good to see you again.....
Glad to know you are making positive improvements.
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Old 10-01-2010, 07:32 AM
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Hey Keith,

Originally Posted by keithj View Post
...Many people that find their way to this site are not people who can drink in moderation.
It's my opinion that I once could and did. But right now i find that can not and certainly do not.

(This thought of mine can lead to never ending debates about "my denial," the definition of alcoholic, the core beliefs of AA members, etc. Hence i often keep this thought to myself.)

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Old 10-01-2010, 08:22 AM
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Great points!! thank-you for sharing!! I personally wouldn't tempt fate by having the occasional drink...although the thought crosses my mind now and again...but my life is just so much more fullfilling..and having a drink (which for me would lead to more) would be the death of me....it scares me....I just wouldn't want spiral out of control.... I might have willpower but alcohol brings me to my knees....
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Old 10-01-2010, 12:25 PM
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Thank you for the post. Im new and have only 6 days under my belt. I am feeling so jittery and self conscious and don't think I would make it through a meeting without having an anxiety attack. I have been getting this thought that I am not truly in recovery until I say it out loud at a meeting. I am trying to smile and enjoy my children as much as possible, but Im still craving... sleep is fleeting...
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Old 10-01-2010, 08:55 PM
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I agree that recovery looks different for everyone. There are so many valid ways to recover.
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Old 10-01-2010, 08:58 PM
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Best of luck on your journey LBW.

and welcome to SR Fee

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Old 10-02-2010, 03:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Fee11 View Post
I'm new and have only 6 days under my belt. I am feeling so jittery and self conscious and don't think I would make it through a meeting without having an anxiety attack. I have been getting this thought that I am not truly in recovery until I say it out loud at a meeting. ...but Im still craving... sleep is fleeting...
Hi Fee11,

I have 8 days.

My day job(s) is/are enormously stressful and i'm often "spent" by the time i get to a meeting -- brain fatigue -- barely capable of forming sentences. Also feeling very close to an anxiety attack -- jittery and paranoid. (part of why i used to pick up)

Others on here found NA meetings more to their liking. NA welcomed me with open arms -- literally. I felt no pressure. I did NOT feel like guys with 3 years+ were ganging up on me -- NOT at all. Very comfortable, very encouraging. Very easy relate to what others shared. I was anxious to reciprocate. I'll not hesitate to return.

So over here in my area, my alcoholic self is liking NA meetings at the moment.

Perhaps your area might be similar. I'm not sure. Maybe worth considering.

best of luck to you

tacks
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Old 10-02-2010, 04:08 AM
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I'm new to this site and have not had a drink for 8 months, after drinking an average of 20-21 standard drinks every night. I have, however, used a couple of drugs as alcohol substitutes in this time, so cannot call myself totally sober yet.

I have found AA extremely difficult to feel comfortable in. I believe many of its ideas can help me however. I will also try NA after reading a little bit about it here.

Edit : I also meant to say that the original post is a great idea for anyone who finds they have the willpower to overcome a drinking problem. Hopefully there are quite a few drinkers who manage to stop themselves and change their lives before they find themselves formidably addicted to alcohol.
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Old 10-02-2010, 04:43 AM
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lol, too early... brain fog anyone?

Originally Posted by tacks View Post
Hi Fee11,

I have 8 days.

My day job(s) is/are enormously stressful and i'm often "spent" by the time i get to a meeting -- brain fatigue -- barely capable of forming sentences. Also feeling very close to an anxiety attack -- jittery and paranoid. (part of why i used to pick up)

Others on here found NA meetings more to their liking. NA welcomed me with open arms -- literally. I felt no pressure. I did NOT feel like guys with 3 years+ were ganging up on me -- NOT at all. Very comfortable, very encouraging. Very easy relate to what others shared. I was anxious to reciprocate. I'll not hesitate to return.

So over here in my area, my alcoholic self is liking NA meetings at the moment.

Perhaps your area might be similar. I'm not sure. Maybe worth considering.

best of luck to you

tacks
Hya Tacks,

Thank ya for the response. I accidently went to an NA meeting once (it was in the basement and AA was upstairs). It was good. I assume I have a drug problem as well. I have been using recreational drugs since I was a teen. I assumed that "everyone" did them.

Alcohol is the monster under my bed because it is going to kill me soon if I dont beat it. I pick up because of anxiety too. I'm fighting stopping for a couple this morning before work. It seems like having a buzz lets me look like I'm in control and not worried over every little aspect of day to day interactions.

Congrats on 8 days. Stay positive!! Thank you again for the advice.

Last edited by Fee11; 10-02-2010 at 04:44 AM. Reason: oops not me
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Old 10-02-2010, 05:34 AM
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LBW, thanks for putting many of my own thoughts into a posting....it is enormously helpful to hear for some of us.

i find myself comparing my drinking "habit" with my previous smoking habit....for years i smoked 2.5 packs a day, quit several times, finally quit for good because i just did n't enjoy it and felt the need to brush my teeth and wash my hair after each cigarette.

it seems to be the same with alcohol...the aftermath makes me feel unhealthy and the taste i used enjoy just is not there.

thanks for sharing your new healthy hobbies too. very inspiring as i am considering a lot of what you've discussed....since i stopped drinking, i've lost weight of about 13# and pay better attention to my diet with real food and less junk/fast food...(except a really good pizza which i now load with veggie toppings)

(I do not know anything about AA except what i have read on this board, but from what i have read is that it feels waay too opinionated and zealous for me and my own sobriety).

SR gets a huge credit for being my rock and go-to place...thanks to them and everyone here...you all give so much.
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Old 10-02-2010, 08:14 AM
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Good to see our newer members.....

Fee11..............roppo....

Many of our members are winning over alcohol
Some are happily sucessfully sober without a
structured program.....some use various methods
and some of us do 12 Step programs.

There is no wrong way to find a healthy sober future.
Welcome to our recovery community
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Old 10-02-2010, 09:24 AM
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If your life is meaningful, fulfilling and in balance, does it really matter how you got to that place? AA gives me these things, but that doesn't make it the end all be all to everyone. I know some pretty unhappy folks in AA.

Thanks for sharing your story, I am always willing to learn from someone else and their life experience. If the opinion and story is shared in the understanding way and without tearing down someone else's beliefs as yours is, then I am grateful to be given the chance to learn from them.

Thanks,
Jon
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Old 10-02-2010, 11:07 AM
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The only alternative to AA for me was Jails, institutions or death.
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Old 10-02-2010, 11:15 AM
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Hey Fee11,

Originally Posted by Fee11 View Post
Alcohol is the monster under my bed because it is going to kill me soon if I dont beat it. I pick up because of anxiety too. I'm fighting stopping for a couple this morning before work. It seems like having a buzz lets me look like I'm in control and not worried over every little aspect of day to day interactions.
I didn't stop for fear of a few beers among friends. Rather I stopped because of what those few beers lead to.

"The only cure for the poison is more poison."

-- someone from SR describing withdrawal, the "What to expect" thread

I also often needed to sip in the morning. Alcohol ceased to "help" me with night time anxiety. But I began to "need" it to get through the day. It caused more anxiety than i was originally trying to escape.

Substituting one addiction for another

I don't drink anymore. Instead I spend all day babbling -- online forums, private messages, chatting after NA meetings, email, etc.

I really gotta start to get some work done.
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Old 10-02-2010, 01:06 PM
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Sorry if this already got mentioned. But there's a sticky on this forum about recovery programs with lots of non-AA programs mentioned. SMART, Rational Recovery, Women for Sobriety (WFS), SOS, etc.

SMART has some techniques on their website and a forum/chat meetings. WFS has a forum. You can check to see if they have meetings near you.

And of course, many people stop without a program. I just like face-to-face meetings.

It's too bad that those of us who don't agree 100% with AA feel so marginalized. There's something wrong with that.

I do use AA some, but I use lots of other things too.
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Old 10-02-2010, 01:36 PM
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This subject is a reoccurring one, and I am always baffled by the discussion that ensues. I got sober with AA and I like to think stay sober because of the folks and the thoughts that I hear in AA.

That being said, it makes me sad that someone who doesn't find what I found, or finds some help in AA and strength in other places feels "marginalized" as Oak stated. I hope I have never made someone who has been in a meeting feel that they are less than, because they don't agree with everything or maybe anything that AA offers as a means of getting and staying sober.

I have always felt that AA offers a solution that is put forth by others who found this path worked for them, but tolerance and understanding is a pillar of the fellowship that I think I belong to.

Posts like this serve to remind me that I need to be vigilant and tireless in practicing the acceptance of other's point of view.
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