I recognised the 2 clear physical incidents, the punch and the choke, as abuse, but not the sexual ones or the verbal, emotional stuff, the threats, sleep deprivation, interrogations, the extreme jealousy etc, I was afraid, alot, but I was hyper-focussed on his drinking, as too little/too much was an indicator of a terrible time to come, I was so focussed on "survival mode" that I didn't think "escape mode". I minimised, and didn't want to be a "victim" or "survivor" of abuse; I have uncovered that I have a number of deep, hidden beliefs about men/women who are abused, I hadn't consciously decided to think that way, (as they are diametrically opposed to what I would say is my viewpoint) I had taken cultural messages on board without realising it.
I (and he) also equated my small transgressions of behaviour with his HUGE ones, I raise my voice slightly in anger = you keeping me awake for hours on end throughout the night alternating between threatening me with violence, and shoving your hands down my pants and trying to have sex with me despite my repeatedly saying no and pushing you away. If he was abusive, well I was too, was my reasoning.
At this point I would like to make an apology to everyone, past and present, here, I'm not sure it ever came accross in what I wrote, because I tended to avoid answering those posts, but where people complained of verbal or emotional abuse, I got very uncomforable and minimised their experience in my head, thinking they were making a massive drama out of "normal" behaviour, they should just "get over it" and getting angry at them for complaining about it. That was absolutely my issue, and I'm very sorry if I ever contributed to anyone's pain with that attitude. It wasn't until I examined closely my own relationships, those that formed me, and those that I chose, that I could see where this attitude came from, and what I was living with at the time.
Distance (time and geographical) has helped clarify that.
Thanks for this thread L2L (())