Do You Even Know If or When You Are Being Abused?
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Do You Even Know If or When You Are Being Abused?
A big part of my Recovery has been becoming AWARE of what is, and has been, happening to me and around me. One of the things that I have only recently really started to become aware of (thanks in large part to the people on SR) is all of the abuse I have suffered throughout my life. I didn't KNOW I was suffering from abuse, in large part because I didn't know I was being abused.
I've done some reading about abuse and what really stands out for me is that the effects of verbal and emotional abuse are reported to be worse than physical abuse, and yet verbal and emotional abuse are hard for the person being abused to identify. Looking back, I realize that the verbal and emotional abuse really have had horrible effects on me, and really have made my life $uck for a long time.
I realize now that, for whatever reason, I have the habit of looking up to, or admiring, other people for their wisdom and knowledge. I even will defer to someone that I look up to, on matters of my own life! I realize now that when I do this, I am placing them on a pedestal and making them my higher power. I give away my strength. And that is bad.
I do this mostly in "romantic" relationships, but I also have done this in work relationships, and I have done this in on-line relationships such as on this forum. Fortunately, I have begun to remove others from the pedestal I placed them on and take back my power. I hope that the next time I am inclined to "look up to" someone else, I stop myself and remember how far I have come and how very strong I actually am.
Thanks for listening. I have gone to a couple of websites and copied and pasted some information below. I hope you find these words as helpful as I did.
______
Verbal abuse (also called verbal attack or reviling) is a form of abusive behavior involving the use of language. It is a form of profanity that can occur with or without the use of expletives (curse words). While oral communication is its most common form, verbal abuse may be expressed in the form of written word as well.
Verbal abuse is a pattern of behavior that can seriously interfere with a person's healthy emotional development. Regular exposure leads to significant detriment of a person's self-esteem, emotional well-being, and physical state.
Verbal abuse is best described as an ongoing emotional environment organized by the abuser for the purposes of control. The underlying factor in the dynamic of verbal abuse is the abuser’s low regard for him or herself. As the abuser fears not being "good enough" and/or meeting public expectations, the abuser attempts to place their victim in a position to believe similar things about him or herself - a type of warped projection.
Typically, verbal abuse increases in intensity over time and often escalates into physical abuse as well.
During intense verbal abuse, the victim usually suffers from low self-worth and low self-esteem. As a result, victims may fall into clinical depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.
Becoming aware of the forms that abuse can take helps you to be better prepared to recognize such behavior as abusive. Once you are able to label abuse, you can begin to take steps necessary to stop it from happening or repeating.
Abuse occurs when people mistreat or misuse other people, showing no concern for their integrity or innate worth as individuals, and in a manner that degrades their well being. Abusers frequently are interested in controlling their victims. They use abusive behaviors to manipulate their victims into submission or compliance with their will.
Verbal Abuse occurs when one person uses words or body language to inappropriately criticize another person. Verbal abuse often involves 'putdowns' and name-calling intended to make the victim feel they are not worthy of love or respect, and that they do not have ability or talent.
If the victim speaks up against these statements, they are often told that the criticisms were "just a joke", and that it is their own problem that they do not find the joke funny. They may also be told that no abuse is happening; that it is "all in their head". Verbal abuse is dangerous because it is often not easily recognized as abuse, and therefore it can go on for extended periods, causing severe damage to victim's self-esteem and self-worth. Damaged victims may fail to take advantage of opportunities that would enrich their lives because they come to believe they are not worthy of those opportunities.
Psychological Abuse (also known as mental abuse or emotional abuse) occurs when one person controls information available to another person so as to manipulate that person's sense of reality; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. For example, psychological abuse might occur when a pedophile tells a child victim that she caused the pedophile to abuse her because she is a '****' who 'tempted' the pedophile. Psychological abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser's wishes. It may be emotional abuse in this sense when it is designed to cause emotional pain to victims or to “mess with their heads” in attempts to gain compliance and counter any resistance. Alternatively, psychological abuse may occur when one victim is forced to watch another be abused in some fashion (verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually). Like verbal abuse, psychological abuse is often not recognized as abuse early on and can result in serious sequela (psychological after effects) later on.
Signs of verbal abuse
The way to recognize signs of verbal abuse in an unhealthy relationship is to simply know what a healthy relationship is and what it looks like. Consider the things people value in relationships and the things they want in a healthy and strong relationship. These could be respect, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, love, affection, responsibility, hope, faith, trustworthiness with the ability to connect deeply with someone, and the freedom to be oneself within healthy boundaries. When we think about what constitutes a healthy relationship, it becomes easier to identify when we are in an unhealthy relationship.
Signs of verbal abuse exhibited by the abuser are:
-Actions of ignoring, ridiculing, disrespecting, and criticizing others consistently.
-A manipulation of words.
-Purposeful humiliation of others.
-Accusing others falsely for the purpose of manipulating a person's decision making.
-Manipulating people to submit to undesirable behavior.
-Making others feel unwanted and unloved.
-Threatening to leave the family destitute.
-Placing the blame and cause of the abuse onto others.
-Isolating a person from some type of support system, consisting of friends or family.
-Harassment.
-Jekyll and Hyde behaviors, either in terms of sudden rages or behavioral changes, or where there is a very different "face" shown to the outside world vs. with victim.
I've done some reading about abuse and what really stands out for me is that the effects of verbal and emotional abuse are reported to be worse than physical abuse, and yet verbal and emotional abuse are hard for the person being abused to identify. Looking back, I realize that the verbal and emotional abuse really have had horrible effects on me, and really have made my life $uck for a long time.
I realize now that, for whatever reason, I have the habit of looking up to, or admiring, other people for their wisdom and knowledge. I even will defer to someone that I look up to, on matters of my own life! I realize now that when I do this, I am placing them on a pedestal and making them my higher power. I give away my strength. And that is bad.
I do this mostly in "romantic" relationships, but I also have done this in work relationships, and I have done this in on-line relationships such as on this forum. Fortunately, I have begun to remove others from the pedestal I placed them on and take back my power. I hope that the next time I am inclined to "look up to" someone else, I stop myself and remember how far I have come and how very strong I actually am.
Thanks for listening. I have gone to a couple of websites and copied and pasted some information below. I hope you find these words as helpful as I did.
______
Verbal abuse (also called verbal attack or reviling) is a form of abusive behavior involving the use of language. It is a form of profanity that can occur with or without the use of expletives (curse words). While oral communication is its most common form, verbal abuse may be expressed in the form of written word as well.
Verbal abuse is a pattern of behavior that can seriously interfere with a person's healthy emotional development. Regular exposure leads to significant detriment of a person's self-esteem, emotional well-being, and physical state.
Verbal abuse is best described as an ongoing emotional environment organized by the abuser for the purposes of control. The underlying factor in the dynamic of verbal abuse is the abuser’s low regard for him or herself. As the abuser fears not being "good enough" and/or meeting public expectations, the abuser attempts to place their victim in a position to believe similar things about him or herself - a type of warped projection.
Typically, verbal abuse increases in intensity over time and often escalates into physical abuse as well.
During intense verbal abuse, the victim usually suffers from low self-worth and low self-esteem. As a result, victims may fall into clinical depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.
Becoming aware of the forms that abuse can take helps you to be better prepared to recognize such behavior as abusive. Once you are able to label abuse, you can begin to take steps necessary to stop it from happening or repeating.
Abuse occurs when people mistreat or misuse other people, showing no concern for their integrity or innate worth as individuals, and in a manner that degrades their well being. Abusers frequently are interested in controlling their victims. They use abusive behaviors to manipulate their victims into submission or compliance with their will.
Verbal Abuse occurs when one person uses words or body language to inappropriately criticize another person. Verbal abuse often involves 'putdowns' and name-calling intended to make the victim feel they are not worthy of love or respect, and that they do not have ability or talent.
If the victim speaks up against these statements, they are often told that the criticisms were "just a joke", and that it is their own problem that they do not find the joke funny. They may also be told that no abuse is happening; that it is "all in their head". Verbal abuse is dangerous because it is often not easily recognized as abuse, and therefore it can go on for extended periods, causing severe damage to victim's self-esteem and self-worth. Damaged victims may fail to take advantage of opportunities that would enrich their lives because they come to believe they are not worthy of those opportunities.
Psychological Abuse (also known as mental abuse or emotional abuse) occurs when one person controls information available to another person so as to manipulate that person's sense of reality; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. For example, psychological abuse might occur when a pedophile tells a child victim that she caused the pedophile to abuse her because she is a '****' who 'tempted' the pedophile. Psychological abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser's wishes. It may be emotional abuse in this sense when it is designed to cause emotional pain to victims or to “mess with their heads” in attempts to gain compliance and counter any resistance. Alternatively, psychological abuse may occur when one victim is forced to watch another be abused in some fashion (verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually). Like verbal abuse, psychological abuse is often not recognized as abuse early on and can result in serious sequela (psychological after effects) later on.
Signs of verbal abuse
The way to recognize signs of verbal abuse in an unhealthy relationship is to simply know what a healthy relationship is and what it looks like. Consider the things people value in relationships and the things they want in a healthy and strong relationship. These could be respect, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, love, affection, responsibility, hope, faith, trustworthiness with the ability to connect deeply with someone, and the freedom to be oneself within healthy boundaries. When we think about what constitutes a healthy relationship, it becomes easier to identify when we are in an unhealthy relationship.
Signs of verbal abuse exhibited by the abuser are:
-Actions of ignoring, ridiculing, disrespecting, and criticizing others consistently.
-A manipulation of words.
-Purposeful humiliation of others.
-Accusing others falsely for the purpose of manipulating a person's decision making.
-Manipulating people to submit to undesirable behavior.
-Making others feel unwanted and unloved.
-Threatening to leave the family destitute.
-Placing the blame and cause of the abuse onto others.
-Isolating a person from some type of support system, consisting of friends or family.
-Harassment.
-Jekyll and Hyde behaviors, either in terms of sudden rages or behavioral changes, or where there is a very different "face" shown to the outside world vs. with victim.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Thank you for this thread, Learn2Live. The information was incredibly helpful. I've been struggling with this again (still) and want to write it out. I hope that's OK and not hijacking the thread.
I didn't realize that it was abuse. I left him and was basically numb for nearly 2 years. I thought that since he never hit me, I couldn't possibly be abused. I thought abuse was only physical. (I don't know why it didn't occur to me that forced sex, even if I was married to him, is a physical abuse.)
I started talking to a counselor; I asked her to help me learn to communicate with STBXAH, because I *knew* it had to be me, maybe his alcoholism too, but mainly me and my inability to communicate with STBXAH. After all, that's what I'd heard for years. During my counseling sessions, I of course started talking about our relationship. Since she specialized in working with addiction, alcoholism and codependency, not domestic violence, she told me I should also talk to the local DV and rape resources.
I didn't believe her at first. I thought she didn't believe me that the relationship was bad and that she wanted me to find out what abuse really was. How is that for twisted? I believed her about everything else and trusted her, but not about this. Even knowing that he threatened and intimidated and generally scared me when he was angry didn't cut through my dis-belief.
This is about the time I found SR, and started reading the information here about abuse and digging through other sites for info. After a couple - OK a few - sessions of her telling me to go talk to the DV resource, I finally went. I was stunned.
However, I still honestly thought that if he stopped drinking, his sh--ty attitude and treatment of me would be fixed. When he went to an alcohol rehab program, basically didn't drink for a month, he came back and for months treated me even worse. His anger got even more unpredictable and everything I said p-ssed him off. Then I started to truly accept the fact that alcohol didn't make him abusive and that his not drinking wouldn't cure the abuse.
I hope I would see abuse now; I don't know. I think so. I still catch myself thinking I was or am being too sensitive. (Which he often told me I was.)
I didn't realize that it was abuse. I left him and was basically numb for nearly 2 years. I thought that since he never hit me, I couldn't possibly be abused. I thought abuse was only physical. (I don't know why it didn't occur to me that forced sex, even if I was married to him, is a physical abuse.)
I started talking to a counselor; I asked her to help me learn to communicate with STBXAH, because I *knew* it had to be me, maybe his alcoholism too, but mainly me and my inability to communicate with STBXAH. After all, that's what I'd heard for years. During my counseling sessions, I of course started talking about our relationship. Since she specialized in working with addiction, alcoholism and codependency, not domestic violence, she told me I should also talk to the local DV and rape resources.
I didn't believe her at first. I thought she didn't believe me that the relationship was bad and that she wanted me to find out what abuse really was. How is that for twisted? I believed her about everything else and trusted her, but not about this. Even knowing that he threatened and intimidated and generally scared me when he was angry didn't cut through my dis-belief.
This is about the time I found SR, and started reading the information here about abuse and digging through other sites for info. After a couple - OK a few - sessions of her telling me to go talk to the DV resource, I finally went. I was stunned.
However, I still honestly thought that if he stopped drinking, his sh--ty attitude and treatment of me would be fixed. When he went to an alcohol rehab program, basically didn't drink for a month, he came back and for months treated me even worse. His anger got even more unpredictable and everything I said p-ssed him off. Then I started to truly accept the fact that alcohol didn't make him abusive and that his not drinking wouldn't cure the abuse.
I hope I would see abuse now; I don't know. I think so. I still catch myself thinking I was or am being too sensitive. (Which he often told me I was.)
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
It was actually here, on SR, that I realised I had been abused in my marriage. My counsellor didn't label it for me. It stunned me at the time and made me feel sick. I still wrestle with it. I still take on too much of the blame for things and I still don't trust myself as much as I trust others but I am working on it!
I'm amazed that I didn't identify it sooner. I'm academically bright. I'm usually fairly smart (yeah, that usually wouldn't have been in there 20 years ago). It makes me feel really stupid that I didn't see it. Such is the nature of the emotional and verbal abuse I guess. You don't see it because you're just too close to it. The gaslighting etc leaves you unbalanced and off centre. The emotional abuse and the controlling I lived with for all those years developed slowly. I hope I'd be able to identify it if it ever happens again. Having a sounding board like SR really helps!
Thanks for this thread L2L.
I'm amazed that I didn't identify it sooner. I'm academically bright. I'm usually fairly smart (yeah, that usually wouldn't have been in there 20 years ago). It makes me feel really stupid that I didn't see it. Such is the nature of the emotional and verbal abuse I guess. You don't see it because you're just too close to it. The gaslighting etc leaves you unbalanced and off centre. The emotional abuse and the controlling I lived with for all those years developed slowly. I hope I'd be able to identify it if it ever happens again. Having a sounding board like SR really helps!
Thanks for this thread L2L.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I recognised the 2 clear physical incidents, the punch and the choke, as abuse, but not the sexual ones or the verbal, emotional stuff, the threats, sleep deprivation, interrogations, the extreme jealousy etc, I was afraid, alot, but I was hyper-focussed on his drinking, as too little/too much was an indicator of a terrible time to come, I was so focussed on "survival mode" that I didn't think "escape mode". I minimised, and didn't want to be a "victim" or "survivor" of abuse; I have uncovered that I have a number of deep, hidden beliefs about men/women who are abused, I hadn't consciously decided to think that way, (as they are diametrically opposed to what I would say is my viewpoint) I had taken cultural messages on board without realising it.
I (and he) also equated my small transgressions of behaviour with his HUGE ones, I raise my voice slightly in anger = you keeping me awake for hours on end throughout the night alternating between threatening me with violence, and shoving your hands down my pants and trying to have sex with me despite my repeatedly saying no and pushing you away. If he was abusive, well I was too, was my reasoning.
At this point I would like to make an apology to everyone, past and present, here, I'm not sure it ever came accross in what I wrote, because I tended to avoid answering those posts, but where people complained of verbal or emotional abuse, I got very uncomforable and minimised their experience in my head, thinking they were making a massive drama out of "normal" behaviour, they should just "get over it" and getting angry at them for complaining about it. That was absolutely my issue, and I'm very sorry if I ever contributed to anyone's pain with that attitude. It wasn't until I examined closely my own relationships, those that formed me, and those that I chose, that I could see where this attitude came from, and what I was living with at the time.
Distance (time and geographical) has helped clarify that.
Thanks for this thread L2L (())
I (and he) also equated my small transgressions of behaviour with his HUGE ones, I raise my voice slightly in anger = you keeping me awake for hours on end throughout the night alternating between threatening me with violence, and shoving your hands down my pants and trying to have sex with me despite my repeatedly saying no and pushing you away. If he was abusive, well I was too, was my reasoning.
At this point I would like to make an apology to everyone, past and present, here, I'm not sure it ever came accross in what I wrote, because I tended to avoid answering those posts, but where people complained of verbal or emotional abuse, I got very uncomforable and minimised their experience in my head, thinking they were making a massive drama out of "normal" behaviour, they should just "get over it" and getting angry at them for complaining about it. That was absolutely my issue, and I'm very sorry if I ever contributed to anyone's pain with that attitude. It wasn't until I examined closely my own relationships, those that formed me, and those that I chose, that I could see where this attitude came from, and what I was living with at the time.
Distance (time and geographical) has helped clarify that.
Thanks for this thread L2L (())
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
It's worth noting that my STXAH claims there was no abuse from him and that the only abuse in the house was mine towards my daughter. His attorney agreed.
Even knowing the facts of the matter, while I live on foodstamps - penniless and with no vehicle STILL - I question myself. That maybe I misinterpret, that maybe he really didn't keep threatening to "cut off all the money" to my child, or maybe the PINs on all the banking cards just suddenly changed on their own (@_@), or maybe we did accidentally lock him out of the house once so it was okay for him to remove the doorknob as a lesson to us.
Pathetic no?
Fact is, he's an abusive pos, and I should have left him much sooner than I did.
Even knowing the facts of the matter, while I live on foodstamps - penniless and with no vehicle STILL - I question myself. That maybe I misinterpret, that maybe he really didn't keep threatening to "cut off all the money" to my child, or maybe the PINs on all the banking cards just suddenly changed on their own (@_@), or maybe we did accidentally lock him out of the house once so it was okay for him to remove the doorknob as a lesson to us.
Pathetic no?
Fact is, he's an abusive pos, and I should have left him much sooner than I did.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
OMG you guys THANK YOU for sharing these stories!!! I realize that what I posted last night is not the complete story. There are some things that are missing in my conscious mind, there are missing pieces, that I need to find related to this. I can't write much during the day but I will write more later so please keep sharing on this so I can find the missing puzzle pieces. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
I realize now that, for whatever reason, I have the habit of looking up to, or admiring, other people for their wisdom and knowledge. I even will defer to someone that I look up to, on matters of my own life! I realize now that when I do this, I am placing them on a pedestal and making them my higher power. I give away my strength. And that is bad.
I do this mostly in "romantic" relationships, but I also have done this in work relationships, and I have done this in on-line relationships such as on this forum. Fortunately, I have begun to remove others from the pedestal I placed them on and take back my power. I hope that the next time I am inclined to "look up to" someone else, I stop myself and remember how far I have come and how very strong I actually am.
[/COLOR]
I love your posts!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
Great post that really defines the verbal and emotional abuse that leaves the victim wondering and not realizing they are being abused.
I read somewhere on this forum someone considered just having a child have to watch their parents have loud angry hateful fights is abusive (although they do not necessarily yell at the child).
I had never even realized that. But it is so true, yet never questioned by the child. This forum really helps us in knowing about these types of things.
I read somewhere on this forum someone considered just having a child have to watch their parents have loud angry hateful fights is abusive (although they do not necessarily yell at the child).
I had never even realized that. But it is so true, yet never questioned by the child. This forum really helps us in knowing about these types of things.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Jenny1232
It never ceases to amaze me how I seem to be your carbon copy. I hope that one day I can stop placing people so far above me... this is exactly what I was describing about the new guy I met... Why do I assume he's so much better than I am? Or how I feel so weak on this site because everyone is so much "stronger"?
I know that I look up to people because I do have a cognitive disability. I just am not able to interpret things the way other people interpret them. I struggle to understand the words people say and the subtleties of human interaction. But I have learned how to compensate for that. At the same time, I know I have sought out people who seem more savvy than me, who seem to know more than me, and then trust that they are going to make the decisions for me and my life that need to be made. But that has NEVER worked and only ever gotten me hurt and CRAZY. I have had to find many ways to stand on my own two feet and not hand over myself, my life, and my decisions to others. I have had to develop a very strong vision of what I want in my life, now and in the future. I have to be in my own driver's seat.
They are NOT stronger than you Jenny. In fact, most people are likely about as "weak" as each of us. EVERYone has problems, EVERYone has quirks, diseases, mental health issues, SOMEthing. There is NO ONE who knows better for me than ME. No one.
Giving over to other people is DANGEROUS. I had to struggle and work and discipline myself to build my self-esteem and self-confidence and get myself to the point where I could stand on my own two feet. I tell ya', college really helped because it helped me become 100% financially independent. That was the first step for me. Then came finding a TRUE Higher Power, who many call "God." That helps me keep from putting other PEOPLE on pedestals.
When you are tired of the bull$hit you will do what you need to do. Until then, keep yourself safe. Be smart and stay away from dangerous people and dangerous situations.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by Still Waters
or maybe we did accidentally lock him out of the house once so it was okay for him to remove the doorknob as a lesson to us.
ARG! Just remembering that makes my head spin.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
great thread! How did I miss it before?
I still sort of wonder about some of the things in my past as they come up...I wonder about alot of the more subtle things or those when I was pretty young.
I do KNOW now when I am being abused and my response system has just gotten better and better.
I very much identify with so much of what you have said L2L.
I, too, don't process things quite the way that the majority do..and I have at times let those (my sis, mainly) override my thinking.
I appreciate her insight but it is not better than my own, just different. Both are valuable.
I like to do what I call "reality checks" and have other people be sounding boards for me.
And, come to think of it, most often people that have chosen me to be in their lives tell me they love me because I AM different amongst other things.
I can have an out of the box (normally understood between people) perspective that can be interesting.
but I digress...
I still sort of wonder about some of the things in my past as they come up...I wonder about alot of the more subtle things or those when I was pretty young.
I do KNOW now when I am being abused and my response system has just gotten better and better.
I very much identify with so much of what you have said L2L.
I, too, don't process things quite the way that the majority do..and I have at times let those (my sis, mainly) override my thinking.
I appreciate her insight but it is not better than my own, just different. Both are valuable.
I like to do what I call "reality checks" and have other people be sounding boards for me.
And, come to think of it, most often people that have chosen me to be in their lives tell me they love me because I AM different amongst other things.
I can have an out of the box (normally understood between people) perspective that can be interesting.
but I digress...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
"I struggle to understand the words people say and the subtleties of human interaction."
This really stuck out to me. I feel slightly stupid when people point things out, and suddenly it makes PERFECT sense.. why didn't I see it like that, or make the correlation?
Essentially, we are all equal.. so I really wish I could stop thinking I am not good enough for others. So what if someone has a degree and I don't; or a better job; more money or a nice car. It doesn't mean they're better than me. In in a twist of contradiction.. why is it okay for me to know feel like I am better than my ex? He's a loser to me.. and I do not feel like I am a true loser. When I first met him, I thought he was way smarter than me and I just didn't deserve him. I now realize he didn't deserve me.. and yeah, I believe I am better than him. Sooo... how can that be okay? I confuse myself, a lot.
Your words provide me with much more hope; thank you.
This really stuck out to me. I feel slightly stupid when people point things out, and suddenly it makes PERFECT sense.. why didn't I see it like that, or make the correlation?
Essentially, we are all equal.. so I really wish I could stop thinking I am not good enough for others. So what if someone has a degree and I don't; or a better job; more money or a nice car. It doesn't mean they're better than me. In in a twist of contradiction.. why is it okay for me to know feel like I am better than my ex? He's a loser to me.. and I do not feel like I am a true loser. When I first met him, I thought he was way smarter than me and I just didn't deserve him. I now realize he didn't deserve me.. and yeah, I believe I am better than him. Sooo... how can that be okay? I confuse myself, a lot.
Your words provide me with much more hope; thank you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kansas for now
Posts: 100
I think, if you are raised by people who measure out performance-based love, you learn to equate approval with love. This is sets you up to accept abuse from a spouse, SO or even friends because it is not approval and you assume you have failed to perform satisfactorily. You think you're the one with a problem and you don't even know what love is and is not -- like it is outlined above. If you come into this world with an sympathetic, empathetic, caring nature the damage is compounded. You're so calibrated to examine yourself for fault and to focus on trying to understand the other person and how you have failed him/her. I have to remind myself constantly that my thoughts are valid, my feelings are valid, my preferences deserve some consideration. And compromise is not one-sided. Dammit!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Actually Daybreak, your post brought me to a realization about my "friend". Firstly, I was raised in an abusive alcoholic home.. for the past ten years I have dated nasty, abusive men. My last one being the worst.
Well, I have never had many friends, as everyone I grew up with abuses drugs and alcohol.. and well, no thanks. So, my FRIEND.. I was spending SO much time with her. After everything I went through with my xabf I quickly picked up on HER ABUSE.
She would lie.
She would guilt trip me.
She would call me nasty names.
She would then apologize.
She would then manipulate me.
I finally caught on and told her I dated an abusive man, and I wouldn't have a friend who treated me the same. I got the, "Oh, I'm just looking out for you. You're my best friend, I love you, etc".
ABUSE FROM A FRIEND? Never would of thought. Never would have REALIZED had it not been for my ex, and this place. Just crazy stuff. Needless to say, I don't talk to her anymore. I'm left with basically no friends, but hey, I'm not being abused!
Off on a tangent.. but that got me thinkin'!
Well, I have never had many friends, as everyone I grew up with abuses drugs and alcohol.. and well, no thanks. So, my FRIEND.. I was spending SO much time with her. After everything I went through with my xabf I quickly picked up on HER ABUSE.
She would lie.
She would guilt trip me.
She would call me nasty names.
She would then apologize.
She would then manipulate me.
I finally caught on and told her I dated an abusive man, and I wouldn't have a friend who treated me the same. I got the, "Oh, I'm just looking out for you. You're my best friend, I love you, etc".
ABUSE FROM A FRIEND? Never would of thought. Never would have REALIZED had it not been for my ex, and this place. Just crazy stuff. Needless to say, I don't talk to her anymore. I'm left with basically no friends, but hey, I'm not being abused!
Off on a tangent.. but that got me thinkin'!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I do KNOW now when I am being abused and my response system has just gotten better and better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
pffft..I am a grandma! LOL
anyway..as much as I have read about this subject...there is still a completely new concept I have never heard before and it hit me between the eyes!
psychological abuse-controlling available information
My God how often have I ranted about lies of omission being as bad or worse than lies of commission!
I have never heard it called abuse per se.
This totally validates so very much for me!
oh, and L2L...yeah I am way too old to put up with anymore BS that is avoidable.
anyway..as much as I have read about this subject...there is still a completely new concept I have never heard before and it hit me between the eyes!
psychological abuse-controlling available information
My God how often have I ranted about lies of omission being as bad or worse than lies of commission!
I have never heard it called abuse per se.
This totally validates so very much for me!
oh, and L2L...yeah I am way too old to put up with anymore BS that is avoidable.
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