Originally Posted by
Kjell 
I’m home alone. Yes, I know I shouldn’t drink, but it’ll be different this time. Why can’t I be like other people? Oh! My sister has vodka in her closet. Just one night. Just one more night. This one drink will make it all better. I’ll really try tomorrow…
Oh I haven’t called so-and-so in a while. Ring…call…talk…laugh, talk more…
Guzzle. Chug. Hide.
I’m out of booze…I’ll drive…just this one time (again).
Whoa! I’m at my friends house. Why doesn’t he want me here? Why is he asking if I’m going to keep drinking? Yes, I had 30 days sober…let’s not talk about that – let’s party!!!
Sip. Stumble. Leave.
Bartender isn’t happy I’m here. Do I owe her money?
Chug. Don’t pay. Dip.
Oh I think I can score some coke at the strip club. It’s far away…key goes into the ignition, ran hits the windshield. I turn the volume up.
Crash. Numb. Rain. Horror. Disbelief... Breath here. Say your name here. Turn around…I’m going to put these hand cuffs on you. Long rides, in and out of consciences…I’m pretty sure I went to two or three jails that night, sleeping on concrete and walking up to an absolute hell.
I drank (again), drove (again), then wrecked (again). …but this time, I wrecked into another car and not a tree. I was told by my insurance company they claimed injuries, but that no one was seriously injured.
This, so far, is my bottom (meaning the lowest I’ve been). I don’t mean this is all I’ve done to get my here…no no…I’ve got a long list of that (some much worse than this), but this was what made me finally realize I’m sick and I’m hopeless.
Since that time I got a new sponsor and became willing to actually work the steps in AA. I’m now close to 9 months sober, on step 9, and really working for my sobriety. I feel like a completely different person. I don’t know who that person was on that fateful October night, but it wasn’t who I am now.
My court date is coming up in a few weeks. 2nd dui in 5 years. I’m in trouble. I’m VERY, VERY fearful.
Kjell
GREAT post Kjell. I could SO identify with the storyline - especially the "it'll be different, just this one time, I'll try tomorrow, drunk again, driving again, etc.....re-doing alllllllllllllll the stuff I hated that I'd done in the past - under the delusion that I'm in control this time. Makes perfect sense....then again, I'm just like u.
Quick question: Kodiak or Skoal? I'm a Kodiak guy myself.
LOVED the part about how there was a sudden change (after all the trouble....but still a sudden changed) when it hits you that you better do this stuff OR ELSE! hehe...has me chucklin' as I post. I remember thinking AA was a crock one day and later realizing that it was was my last hope and I better get my a$$ in gear shortly after.
I KNOW the feeling of impending doom, fear, concern, etc that comes with court dates. I got dui #3 having postponed sentencing on dui #2 6 months then didn't show for court / had a warrant out because I was trying to hold off sentencing for another year so it'd be dui #2 but it'd be 7+ years since dui#1. I had to go a year and 8 months...made it about 10 months then got popped for #3.
I won't say "don't sweat it." I don't know how to "not sweat" stuff like that.....but I do have some tools to make the sweating not so bad...and so do you: you're life's unmanageable and it feels like insanity (albeit a LOT less insane than it was) so you realize God will restore sanity into your life if you make a decision to live life as best you can today and let him handle tomorrow (and court). WHATEVER happens in court, you've got a God in your life to help you deal with it. If you get some county time in jail, God WILL be there with you to smooth the way. If they put a tether on you (like they did me), God will help you with that. Doesn't really matter WHAT they do.... God's cool with it.
Sometimes I like to think of God as a showoff (just roll with me for a bit).... He watches me toooootally freak out - see nothing but dark clouds on the horizon in every direction...then He waits. Sooner or later, I end up trying to control the clouds....and fail...again.....so I throw my hands up in disgust ....then I try to humbly ask God to show me what He can do with this mess. (aka- surrender). To me, it seems like sometimes God plays "hold-out" for a little while....during which time I really start to sweat....cuz I see the stuff comin closer and closer..and I don't SEE God doing anything... When that moment arrives though, "something" has always happened. Maybe I got the punishments I was dreading....only now I see them in a new light and they don't feel so bad. Maybe I don't get what I thought I had coming.... What I can say is that if I do my best to keep my little mitts off the situation, truly
demonstrate surrender, and put my faith in God -- He hasn't let me down ONCE - and each time something I NEVER anticipated happened, the whole deal changed, and I came out relatively unscathed. As a buddy says,
"God.....man, God's HIP!!"