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Old 09-27-2010, 09:21 AM
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one_last_drunk_=_now_court_date_looms_large

Back on October 31, 2009, after a few weeks of not drinking, which was my longest stint at that time, I snuck a few “innocent” drinks home alone.

The next few hours was like a camera. I can only remember “snapshots” of the night.

I’m home alone. Yes, I know I shouldn’t drink, but it’ll be different this time. Why can’t I be like other people? Oh! My sister has vodka in her closet. Just one night. Just one more night. This one drink will make it all better. I’ll really try tomorrow…
Oh I haven’t called so-and-so in a while. Ring…call…talk…laugh, talk more…
Guzzle. Chug. Hide.
I’m out of booze…I’ll drive…just this one time (again).
Whoa! I’m at my friends house. Why doesn’t he want me here? Why is he asking if I’m going to keep drinking? Yes, I had 30 days sober…let’s not talk about that – let’s party!!!
Sip. Stumble. Leave.
Bartender isn’t happy I’m here. Do I owe her money?
Chug. Don’t pay. Dip.
Oh I think I can score some coke at the strip club. It’s far away…key goes into the ignition, ran hits the windshield. I turn the volume up.
Crash. Numb. Rain. Horror. Disbelief... Breath here. Say your name here. Turn around…I’m going to put these hand cuffs on you. Long rides, in and out of consciences…I’m pretty sure I went to two or three jails that night, sleeping on concrete and walking up to an absolute hell.

I drank (again), drove (again), then wrecked (again). …but this time, I wrecked into another car and not a tree. I was told by my insurance company they claimed injuries, but that no one was seriously injured.

This, so far, is my bottom (meaning the lowest I’ve been). I don’t mean this is all I’ve done to get my here…no no…I’ve got a long list of that (some much worse than this), but this was what made me finally realize I’m sick and I’m hopeless.

Since that time I got a new sponsor and became willing to actually work the steps in AA. I’m now close to 9 months sober, on step 9, and really working for my sobriety. I feel like a completely different person. I don’t know who that person was on that fateful October night, but it wasn’t who I am now.

My court date is coming up in a few weeks. 2nd dui in 5 years. I’m in trouble. I’m VERY, VERY fearful.

Kjell
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Old 09-27-2010, 09:32 AM
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Hey man. Thanks for sharing. My night went similar when I lost my driving license after crashing my car drunk after a brief few hours nailing booze all alone. The mad impulsive thoughts I totally relate to. It was a total calamity and I'm lucky I didn't kill myself or anybody else.

I got home after a night in the cells and couldn't get in the house or remember where the car was or who had taken it out of the ditch. It was a nightmare. I nailed the 4 cans of super strength that were waiting in the fridge when I finally got home after many confused super stressful hours. I vowed to quit drinking but was drinking heavier than ever 5 days later again.

Thankfully I lost my license for 2 years so was kept off the road. I didn't view it like that at the time though, far from it and I was resentful at the police and the courts. I drank heavier and heavier and went down lower and lower over the next 18 months. Since I got my license back and had a car I've been sober so I don't have to worry about that nightmare happening again.

Would I drink drive again if I ever drank again? Of course I probably would, I don't even remember my name when I drink and am in blackout let alone that I shouldn't get in the car to go and score some Coke. This is further reason for me as to why drinking is just never worth it for me, one drink for me could easily cost me my life. Like yourself i feel like a totallly different person now to that kid who crashed his car all that time ago.

Thanks for sharing man, all the best mate.

peace
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Old 09-27-2010, 09:50 AM
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Kjell,

I understand your fear, but it is what it is. Let me tell you, I went through the fire last week. I had moments of fear, but when I felt it coming in, I gave it to God. Yes, at times, i took it back. Why do I do that???? But I kept trying, kept giving it over, kept surrendering.

You cannot undo what you did that night. It is done. All you can do is move forward. You can let the court know what you have been doing, that you have stayed sober, that you don't drink now, and never will again. Admit you are an alcoholic, but have been seeking help. Better than denial.

Live in the light, and you will be okay, no matter what you face. At this time, at this moment, you will face the problem, you will get through it, and you will come out on the other end stronger.

My prayers are with you.

amy
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Old 09-27-2010, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by aehmnm View Post
You can let the court know what you have been doing, that you have stayed sober, that you don't drink now, and never will again. Admit you are an alcoholic, but have been seeking help. Better than denial.
I couldn't agree more. I'm coming armed w/ a 4 months in-patient therapy certificate, piles and piles of AA meetings logged (included 90 in 90), a letter from my sponsor (just explaining the facts), and a letter from my boss (just explaining the facts).

Even though this is about to hurt, I want to get this over with. I've been waiting for almost a year and it's a strange place to be...free, but not.
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Old 09-27-2010, 01:29 PM
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Kjell, I feel for you man. You are taking the right steps and you are doing it for YOU, not the courts.
I was reading up on the implications of your actions and you are in for a rough time. Remember it is always darkest before the dawn. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Good Luck
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Old 09-27-2010, 01:34 PM
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Well hopefully the judge will look at your turn around as a postive. However many judges aren't going to be so forgiving for the second dui, and unfortunately they hear that same story quite often.

BUT....
The silver lining is that it took these episodes for you to realize that the way you were living life was not the way it was meant to be. I mean lets say that hadn't happened and you continued on that path, you may have done something even worse... (hit a pedestrian, kill a pregnant mom etc).

We cannot change the actions we have done while drinking. Like I told a friend that used Me being drunk as an excuse for my behavior - The woman is still pregnant if you are drunk, you car is still smashed, the bruises on your face are real, and the damage to your organs is real. It matters not if i was "drunk", because the actions I have done still occured, regardless of my state of mind.

As alchoholics we tend to use drinking as a crutch to "solve" our problems, when all they do is either a- make your problems worse or b- cause more problems. What I am saying is that, regardless of how your dilemna turns out (i hope it turns out well for you since you are making a full effort to be sober), do not let them turn you back to the bottle. Instead show up to court (clearly sober) with your head high, show the remorse you feel, accept whatever is handed to you, and let this be the last time that alchohol EVER peeps its ugly head in to your life. After this is all over and you are a healthy recovered person, you will see how much this negative event has turned your life in a positive direction.

I am so thankful I never got a dui.
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Old 09-27-2010, 02:39 PM
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I got "sober" for court many times. Armed to the teeth with letters, people, sign-in sheets, and the one goal of getting off the hook. Too many times I was able to fool the powers that be, only to start to bargain with GOD as soon as the Judge let me off. Backed into a corner I was anything you wanted me to be. But inside I was the same man. When the incentive to be sober was no longer just to get out of whatever jam I was in at the moment, and started to be an adoption of a new way of life, was I was truly able to recover.
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Old 09-27-2010, 02:49 PM
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I hope your court date goes well Kjell.

I've seen the work you've put in.
I'm rooting for you

D
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Old 09-27-2010, 03:45 PM
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There is nothing to be afraid of and you won't get in too much trouble (at least from my experience). I have 2 DUI's under my belt. I got them in Massachusetts. I lost my license for two years, had to do alcohol classes, mandatory recovery meetings (i.e. AA or something similar), check in with a PO, do random drug tests (which were not many), and pay fines.

After a year, I was eligible for a Cinderella license, which is a 12 hour license. It was a money drain and a p.i.t.a. But it is a good reminder on why you shouldn't drink.

Unfortunately, it still haunts me. My last dui was 8 years ago, but it might get in my way of trying to teach overseas for a year.

However, I was able to acclimate without a car and have been without one for 8 years. I might have to get one soon, but I ended up saving a lot of money and using public transportation, biking, and walking has kept me in good shape.
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Old 09-27-2010, 03:53 PM
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Best of luck and prayers for you during this uncertain and frightening time.
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Old 09-27-2010, 04:23 PM
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Kjell,

You've done what you can to mend your life, and it's a LOT. What happens now is in your HP's hands. He/she/it will protect you and give you the courage to get through whatever may come.

I'm so grateful you didn't injure yourself or anyone else badly. I think that would be the biggest nightmare of all--especially injuring or killing someone else. I know you are grateful for that, so try your best to count your blessings. You will get through this. If you wind up with a jail term, it might be an opportunity to carry the message inside.

Biggest hugs,
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Old 09-27-2010, 04:27 PM
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Kjell, I'm sure this upcoming court date is very scary.

But, it sounds like you are well-prepared to show that you have changed your life.

Please let us know how it goes.
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Old 09-27-2010, 09:43 PM
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I've spent a few nights in jail. My longest stint was only three nights, fortunately.

But I came out of it a changed man, in a lot more ways than I imagined. My political viewpoints have changed. My ignorant ideas of who is sitting in jail while I'm sitting on my couch have TOTALLY changed.

Basically, there are a whole lot of people *just like me* sleeping in those rotten bunks every night. A lot of addicts and alcoholics. They're all nice folks as long as you're not a jerk. Yeah, the stress level is high in there, and you shouldn't let down your guard too much, but it'll be ok.

I know for sure, though, I don't want to go back there. It wasn't anything like I imagined it would be, but it still sucked.

I have often thought, since then, that everyone should get the chance to spend a few nights in jail. It is a very enlightening experience.

And, the other stuff the court will do to you may be a blessing too.

I had to drive with a breathalyzer for a year. I thought it was ridiculous when I got it, but when it was time to give it back I was very unhappy. It was a lot easier for me to stay sober when I knew that if I drank I would not be able to drive to work the next day... yeah, it's very sensitive. It once gave me a positive alcohol reading because of the minuscule amount of alcohol produced by the yeast in a doughnut.

They may send you to an outpatient treatment program. I have been to two of those. They were very useful, because they had a very different perspective from AA, and I was able to get a lot that I can still use.

I know that feeling, though.... the waiting was MUCH worse than the punishment. I didn't have to wait quite as long as you have, but it was pretty close. By the time my court date finally came I wished I'd taken the option of walking in and pleading guilty the monday after my arrest.

-Goat
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Old 09-28-2010, 12:19 AM
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((Kjell))
Everything will work out. We make it so much bigger (fear) in our heads.
I truly believe that we are here on this earth to learn lessons.
Whatever happens, you have really learned yours.
Whatever punishment they give you will be doable and it will all work out, if you keep on doing the next right thing.
I had 2 DUI's, but they were spaced far apart and like you that was my bottom, (the second) keep doing what you are doing and remain humble, because it sure could of been worst and remain grateful too. Count your blessings.
Keep us posted and prayers/positive thoughts your way.
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Old 09-28-2010, 01:23 AM
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Kjell....Wish you the best with your court date and you have done so well. I am hoping everything works out for you. People change and people do get better.

Thinking of you. Keep us updated.
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Old 09-28-2010, 08:26 AM
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Thanks everyone.

I do take 100% responsability and even though I'm grateful to have found a solution to my alcoholism, I'm sorry it came at such cost (especially b/c I hurt other people).

If I get jail time and whatever programs I'm put in, I might as well make the best of it and try to carry the message. I also might as well learn as much from this experience as possible.

My biggest hurdle is simply I want to be better NOW. I want to be free NOW. I want to start rebuilding my life...NOW. That's just simply not the case and there is much to do.

Don't "they" know I've been sober for almost 9 whole months?! (haha!)

Kjell
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Old 09-28-2010, 08:30 AM
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Aww, Kjell. I totally understand how frustrating it must be! But, having read your posts in the past, and this last one, I know you realize your responsibility. You will get through it. You are building a new life, a new freedom, and this is not going to change that. We cannot run from our pasts, we have to own up to them and clean house. Hopefully, this is the last you will have to do.

Trust that God has a plan for you, even when you don't know what it is. You will be right where you need to be.

Stay strong!
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Old 09-28-2010, 11:41 AM
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DAMN! I thought I was having a bad day until I read this. My heart truly goes out to your bro. Just when I thought my problems were so I bad, I read this story and suddenly didn't feel bad AT ALL. I really wish you the best of luck. You're in for an uphill battle, don't let anyone fool you. It's easy to say, "Just don't drink and things will get better." Yeah, that is true to a certain extent, but you've gotta' FIGHT from here on out. Staying sober will help, no doubt about it. But you've got a whole slew of legal issues you're going to have to sort out. I'm not trying to scare you, and I know that you know all this already. The bottom line is this: You're drinking is what caused all of this. Just thank GOD it wasn't worse than it was. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and do battle one more time. I've been to jail myself a few times, and trust me: It's NOT a fun place to be. I don't miss having to fight for a cell to sleep in, fighting for my meals, fighting because I was allergic to peanut butter (not making that one up.) Trust me brother, sobriety truly is the easier, softer, way. I truly hope for your sake, as well as your family's that you don't have to go through anymore of this stuff. But ultimately, that responsibility falls on you. There's plenty of help out there, if you reach out for it. You've made a monumental first step just posting your story on here. Thanks for sharing!
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Old 09-28-2010, 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Kjell View Post
I’m home alone. Yes, I know I shouldn’t drink, but it’ll be different this time. Why can’t I be like other people? Oh! My sister has vodka in her closet. Just one night. Just one more night. This one drink will make it all better. I’ll really try tomorrow…
Oh I haven’t called so-and-so in a while. Ring…call…talk…laugh, talk more…
Guzzle. Chug. Hide.
I’m out of booze…I’ll drive…just this one time (again).
Whoa! I’m at my friends house. Why doesn’t he want me here? Why is he asking if I’m going to keep drinking? Yes, I had 30 days sober…let’s not talk about that – let’s party!!!
Sip. Stumble. Leave.
Bartender isn’t happy I’m here. Do I owe her money?
Chug. Don’t pay. Dip.
Oh I think I can score some coke at the strip club. It’s far away…key goes into the ignition, ran hits the windshield. I turn the volume up.
Crash. Numb. Rain. Horror. Disbelief... Breath here. Say your name here. Turn around…I’m going to put these hand cuffs on you. Long rides, in and out of consciences…I’m pretty sure I went to two or three jails that night, sleeping on concrete and walking up to an absolute hell.

I drank (again), drove (again), then wrecked (again). …but this time, I wrecked into another car and not a tree. I was told by my insurance company they claimed injuries, but that no one was seriously injured.

This, so far, is my bottom (meaning the lowest I’ve been). I don’t mean this is all I’ve done to get my here…no no…I’ve got a long list of that (some much worse than this), but this was what made me finally realize I’m sick and I’m hopeless.

Since that time I got a new sponsor and became willing to actually work the steps in AA. I’m now close to 9 months sober, on step 9, and really working for my sobriety. I feel like a completely different person. I don’t know who that person was on that fateful October night, but it wasn’t who I am now.

My court date is coming up in a few weeks. 2nd dui in 5 years. I’m in trouble. I’m VERY, VERY fearful.

Kjell
GREAT post Kjell. I could SO identify with the storyline - especially the "it'll be different, just this one time, I'll try tomorrow, drunk again, driving again, etc.....re-doing alllllllllllllll the stuff I hated that I'd done in the past - under the delusion that I'm in control this time. Makes perfect sense....then again, I'm just like u.

Quick question: Kodiak or Skoal? I'm a Kodiak guy myself.

LOVED the part about how there was a sudden change (after all the trouble....but still a sudden changed) when it hits you that you better do this stuff OR ELSE! hehe...has me chucklin' as I post. I remember thinking AA was a crock one day and later realizing that it was was my last hope and I better get my a$$ in gear shortly after.

I KNOW the feeling of impending doom, fear, concern, etc that comes with court dates. I got dui #3 having postponed sentencing on dui #2 6 months then didn't show for court / had a warrant out because I was trying to hold off sentencing for another year so it'd be dui #2 but it'd be 7+ years since dui#1. I had to go a year and 8 months...made it about 10 months then got popped for #3.

I won't say "don't sweat it." I don't know how to "not sweat" stuff like that.....but I do have some tools to make the sweating not so bad...and so do you: you're life's unmanageable and it feels like insanity (albeit a LOT less insane than it was) so you realize God will restore sanity into your life if you make a decision to live life as best you can today and let him handle tomorrow (and court). WHATEVER happens in court, you've got a God in your life to help you deal with it. If you get some county time in jail, God WILL be there with you to smooth the way. If they put a tether on you (like they did me), God will help you with that. Doesn't really matter WHAT they do.... God's cool with it.

Sometimes I like to think of God as a showoff (just roll with me for a bit).... He watches me toooootally freak out - see nothing but dark clouds on the horizon in every direction...then He waits. Sooner or later, I end up trying to control the clouds....and fail...again.....so I throw my hands up in disgust ....then I try to humbly ask God to show me what He can do with this mess. (aka- surrender). To me, it seems like sometimes God plays "hold-out" for a little while....during which time I really start to sweat....cuz I see the stuff comin closer and closer..and I don't SEE God doing anything... When that moment arrives though, "something" has always happened. Maybe I got the punishments I was dreading....only now I see them in a new light and they don't feel so bad. Maybe I don't get what I thought I had coming.... What I can say is that if I do my best to keep my little mitts off the situation, truly demonstrate surrender, and put my faith in God -- He hasn't let me down ONCE - and each time something I NEVER anticipated happened, the whole deal changed, and I came out relatively unscathed. As a buddy says,
"God.....man, God's HIP!!"
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Old 09-28-2010, 12:49 PM
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[QUOTE=Kjell;2722436]
....I'm sorry it came at such cost

heh, I don't know anyone in AA who said they got just the right amount of pain to where it started to hurt, they came to, and walked through those doors. Basically, we're the special forces of living with pain...it alllllllways takes "too much" to get our attention!

Originally Posted by Kjell View Post
If I get jail time and whatever programs I'm put in, I might as well make the best of it and try to carry the message. I also might as well learn as much from this experience as possible.
helluva outlook... I'm proud of you brother.

Originally Posted by Kjell View Post
My biggest hurdle is simply I want to be better NOW. I want to be free NOW. I want to start rebuilding my life...NOW. That's just simply not the case and there is much to do.
Heh... Boy, do I know THAT storyline... Lemme know how that line of thinking works out for ya I worked that logic for a long time, got crushed by it mentally, finally had to surrender to maybe never "getting it ever"....then it came. LOL -- God's hilarious.
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