Aww, Kjell. I totally understand how frustrating it must be! But, having read your posts in the past, and this last one, I know you realize your responsibility. You will get through it. You are building a new life, a new freedom, and this is not going to change that. We cannot run from our pasts, we have to own up to them and clean house. Hopefully, this is the last you will have to do.
Trust that God has a plan for you, even when you don't know what it is. You will be right where you need to be.
Stay strong!