I said some of the most awful things to my RAH when we were on the worst of roller coasters and I am sure, in the midst of rage, that I wished him dead many times - and I said it to him too. Do I really wish him dead? Of course not.
I can't blame alcohol for that because I hardly drink alcohol at all. I can only blame anger and my own inability to deal with things appropriately. I said vile things even when I wasn't experiencing full on rage. I cannot believe the amount I emotionally abused him and I am working really hard on fixing me because the person I was being was an absolute mess. I was making him even more of a mess too.
All I can say is that people really do say and think all sorts of crazy things things as a result of hurt and anger.
Feeling like you are regressing is also completely normal and part of the grief process. It can take a very long time to process those kinds of emotions. Just go with the flow and the other two replies in this thread sound very sensible to me.