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Can't believe how much this hurts

Old 09-27-2010, 11:34 PM
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Can't believe how much this hurts

It has been just about three weeks since AH came to pick up stuff and told me "You don't know how many times in the past 2 yrs I wished you had died in a car accident. " I never responded and have not had any contact.. My question is why can't I stop obsessing/analyzing.....Is it because even though i told him I would no longer live this way..I really didn't expect he would totally leave me alone and move on to another girl. We were together for 30 years...So now I am thinking maybe it wasn't the alcohol maybe he was over me???? Why am I torturing myself...how can he seem to be moving ahead and I am lucky to go an hour or two without thoughts of him, pain and sadness. Am I still in denial?? I can live with this and I won't break no contact but I am almost tired of myself....What can i do to turn off all the what ifs?? Thanks, feel like I am regressing.
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Old 09-28-2010, 02:27 AM
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What you said cynical is so beautiful. Thank you.

Westbank, sorry you're hurting. It takes time. What he said to you is just horrible, but I agree with cynical it is not personal. Once I truly understood active A are not to be taken as sane people, my whole life became much more simple. It lessened the pain too. Even sane people when angry say some real stupid stuff, add alcoholism to that and it only gets even more crazier.
Take it slowly, it will be few steps forward, couple of steps back, but keep working on yourself, keep reading and posting here, it is huge help.
Take care
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Old 09-28-2010, 03:40 AM
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I said some of the most awful things to my RAH when we were on the worst of roller coasters and I am sure, in the midst of rage, that I wished him dead many times - and I said it to him too. Do I really wish him dead? Of course not.
I can't blame alcohol for that because I hardly drink alcohol at all. I can only blame anger and my own inability to deal with things appropriately. I said vile things even when I wasn't experiencing full on rage. I cannot believe the amount I emotionally abused him and I am working really hard on fixing me because the person I was being was an absolute mess. I was making him even more of a mess too.
All I can say is that people really do say and think all sorts of crazy things things as a result of hurt and anger.
Feeling like you are regressing is also completely normal and part of the grief process. It can take a very long time to process those kinds of emotions. Just go with the flow and the other two replies in this thread sound very sensible to me.
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Old 09-28-2010, 04:10 AM
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I could not believe some of the comments that flowed from the lips of the man who had been my love and soulmate for 25 years. Of course alcohol dementia was mainly the cause, but it still tore my heart to shreds, and had me wondering if I had been in dreamland all my married life. Even my daughters had doubts about me, until he lived with each one and drove them potty, til the eldest let him really have it.

I sat in a flat, and couldn't be bothered even hanging a picture, let alone eating and had the barest of social contact for 6 months, living in PityPot Land all alone.

The misery does ease, the pain does get less intense, comes less often and somewhere the dormant spark of life begins to burn again.

I hope this begins to do so for you very soon.
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Old 09-28-2010, 06:22 AM
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Hi Westbank,

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. It hurts, its painful and sad but it is normal. I found the following passage from 'Living With a Functioning Alcoholic' (by Dr Neill Neill) helpful to me. I am doing a lot of reading at the moment and they seem to say it better than me.

The ending of any marriage is traumatic, because it represents a huge loss. An ending represent a loss of hopes and dreams and expectations and beliefs. No matter how the marriage was, and no matter how it ended, its end means the loss of an intimate partner.

The experience of loss seems to be greater in the collapse of an alcoholic codependent marriage than it is in other marriage endings. With the merging of identities in codependence, separation feels like the death of part of yourself and part of your own identity.


I would hazard a guess that you are going through the stages of grief, they are stages that you have to go through to come out the other side - and you will. It will also make you a much stronger person. Hang on in there and give yourself some understanding.
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Old 09-28-2010, 08:00 AM
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Grieving sucks. There seems to be no rhyme or reason when you're drowning in it.

I second the suggestion to devote yourself to other things. Give yourself permission to grieve, to be angry, to feel pain, but try to remind yourself, gently, that as much as it SUCKS, discomfort never killed anyone.

You will get through this. And SR will be there as you do.
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