There is so much entwined in your last post, HA. It is so sad for all of you that you would rather that he had died than that he cheated on you. Cheating, along with the truth that is the life of lies that often comes with heavy drinking, is just like a death. A death of potential, a death of the dream, a death of the memories that are now tarnished.
It's tough. When you are ready to unravel all of that, everyone on SR is here for you.