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Old 09-24-2010, 10:20 PM
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So hard to type this

Well my worst nightmare came true last night and I confirmed that AH has been cheating. I honestly thought alcohol was his problem, not women, but I guess the two go hand in hand. I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

I knew there was something different when I asked him to leave this time. Usually he begs, pleads, makes promises, etc. in order to come back, and this time he was cold as ice. Wrote me an email a few days ago saying that he doesn't like hurting me, and whether we stayed together or divorced, it would work out for the best. A friend suggested there might be another woman, and I told her he didn't have time for another woman, he was so involved with his drinking. But I couldn't sleep last night and decided to check his cell records just to set my mind at ease. Sure enough, there were literally THOUSANDS (160 pages worth) of phone calls and texts to 3 particular numbers, all since July. Of course I called all three numbers, and the voicemails were all women.

I confronted AH this morning and told him I'm ready to move forward with a divorce. He was once again completely stoic, and told me he'd do whatever I want and will take care of us financially. That lasted two hours and he called back crying, his life is over, he can't believe how bad he messed up, etc. He told me the other women, "made him feel wanted." I guess having a wife at home begging and pleading for a crumb of attention or affection didn't constitute making him feel wanted enough. Meanwhile I was sitting at home alone night after night while my husband was out dating, foolishly thinking he was at AA meetings.

So my first instinct was to actually stay away from these boards. To say to myself, "well at least I'm finally out of this hellish cycle of disease and now I can move on." But something tells me I better stick around for a while to figure out just how I got myself into a mess like this to begin with, and why it took 13 years and affair for me to finally reclaim my life.
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Old 09-24-2010, 10:39 PM
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I am so sorry. I know how much that hurts. ((((HUGS))))
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Old 09-24-2010, 11:07 PM
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(((HurtingAgain))))

I'm so, so sorry for your pain.

Keep coming back~
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Old 09-24-2010, 11:13 PM
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Oh, Hurting, I am so very sorry. It does indeed feel like a kick in the stomach.

I look forward to your continued presence, your healing, and the day when you wish to change your user name.
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Old 09-24-2010, 11:14 PM
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I am so sorry for your pain as well, and want you to know that you will not regret coming here. It truly is a journey, whether the alcoholic is there or gone.
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Old 09-24-2010, 11:27 PM
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HurtingAgain, I am so sorry for your pain too. Please stick around, so many of us have been through this, its part and parcel of living with an unreasonable, disrespectful AH. It was the only time in my life that I ever 'wailed' an inconsolable cry in front of my then 16 and 18yr old daughters when I found out, so I know how gut renching it is. Time is a great healer.
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Old 09-25-2010, 02:19 AM
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I am so sorry Hurting, and i am glad you decided to stay here. you deserve better than that and i know you will grow to realize that one day. it has all been said and is all part of the whole terrible illness. so sorry for your pain.
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Old 09-25-2010, 05:45 AM
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I am sorry you are hurting. Keep posting the support you recieve here will help your frame of mind.

Take it easy this weekend, you deserve a break!
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Old 09-25-2010, 06:56 AM
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HurtingAgain, definitely don't abandon us here! I have found that infidelity and alcoholism go hand in hand. Sometimes they think they can get someone who "understands" why they drink, or someone who will feed them their narcisisstic supply, or someone who will silently and lovingly walk with them on their path to killing themselves, like Elizabeth Shue did for Nicholas Cage in leaving Las Vegas.

I am also so very sorry for the pain you are going through. BTDT, so I know that that information is like a kick in the stomach, after all the other cr*p we put up with.

We are here for you as you reclaim your life--
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Old 09-25-2010, 07:01 AM
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As devastating as this is, it's in some ways almost a relief. It was my worst fear, and probably one of the last things holding me back from leaving him was the fear that he would find someone new and that I wouldn't be able to handle the thought of him being with someone else. Now that it's already happened, I can do my best to move forward and try to remember that the person the other woman is getting is a broken, empty man who, if he ever does manage to get himself sober, will always regret that pain he brought to the family who loved him.

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement and support. My family and friends have all been great, but only those who have loved an alcoholic and stood by him through the worst of everything in the hopes of having the man you loved back can understand what this is like. It's a club that no one wants to join, that's for sure.

I'll probably lurk for a little while, but will continue to come back. Thanks!
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Old 09-25-2010, 08:03 AM
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What a douche. What a selfish, infantile, blame shifting, homewrecking mess of a man.

As devastating as this is, it's in some ways almost a relief. It was my worst fear, and probably one of the last things holding me back from leaving him was the fear that he would find someone new and that I wouldn't be able to handle the thought of him being with someone else. Now that it's already happened, I can do my best to move forward and try to remember that the person the other woman is getting is a broken, empty man who, if he ever does manage to get himself sober, will always regret that pain he brought to the family who loved him.
I was stunned to find myself relieved when I found out my husband had a girlfriend/affair as well. I was MY worst fear. He loved her. She took really good care of herself. The things he said to me were mind bending.

Girl I had the same reaction you're having. You may recall me story-I booked a flight to Key West were my sister lives for four weeks, leaving him with both kids. "When I come back," I told him, "you will have moved out."

Somehow, the realization of my worst fears put me in a place of safety to finally take control and responsibility for my own life, growth and happiness. I also realized that, since my worst fears were realized, there was nothing else he could do to me.

All the other pain I've endured and had to analyze and work through since April of 2008 has been self inflicted. I stayed with him. I slept wtih him. I believed his lies. I went back again and again.

But first I got on that plane and flew to a tropical island where I worked to forgive and love myself. It really was the start of transforming my suffering. Today I can honestly say his affiar, and being married to an A in the first place, has been the catalyst for taking back my life. I lost weight, I grew stronger. I realized who really loved and cared for me, and let them do so until I could stand on my own again.

The only advice I can give you right now is to be as kind to yourself as you can. You see the truth now. You wanted it and found it. The important question is: what kind of woman do you want to be now?

Oh, and as always, I advise you to: burn his prized possessions in the backyard or give them to a homeless shelter. That helps too. Oh, others will recommend not retaliating, but one good act of revenge will go a long way. Sorry, just my IRL experience, but you may not be like me....
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Old 09-25-2010, 08:18 AM
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I guess having a wife at home begging and pleading for a crumb of attention or affection didn't constitute making him feel wanted enough.
What I realized after I ended my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend was subsisting on crumbs didn't make me feel wanted enough. I won't subsist on crumbs any more.

So my first instinct was to actually stay away from these boards. To say to myself, "well at least I'm finally out of this hellish cycle of disease and now I can move on." But something tells me I better stick around for a while to figure out just how I got myself into a mess like this to begin with, and why it took 13 years and affair for me to finally reclaim my life.
You are a wise woman, HurtingAgain, and I predict you're going to be just fine.

I know uncovering the truth about the depths of your husband's addiction and depravity is tremendously hurtful, but knowing the truth will help set you free and will allow you an opportunity to start living the life you deserve, so one day you'll come to believe that this discovery was a good thing. Sometimes gifts come wrapped in strange packages. I predict this is the best gift you've received in the last 13 years.

Hugs to you. I know it's painful.

And, Transformie, you cracked me up with this, girl:

One good act of revenge will go a long way.
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Old 09-25-2010, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
Somehow, the realization of my worst fears put me in a place of safety to finally take control and responsibility for my own life, growth and happiness. I also realized that, since my worst fears were realized, there was nothing else he could do to me.

All the other pain I've endured and had to analyze and work through since April of 2008 has been self inflicted. I stayed with him. I slept wtih him. I believed his lies. I went back again and again.


Oh, and as always, I advise you to: burn his prized possessions in the backyard
or give them to a homeless shelter. That helps too. Oh, others will recommend not retaliating, but one good act of revenge will go a long way. Sorry, just my IRL experience, but you may not be like me....

A lot of good wisdom in these words.

A little humor added is really good for our healing.

Revenge feels like a warm cozy blanket, haven't figured out if it's healthy or not yet. But how can anything that feels so good be bad?

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 09-25-2010, 08:36 AM
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I'm sorry HURTING, this was my post close to 7 weeks ago.
My ex and I were just about to go back to couples group and I caught him cheating. I knew he was needy for female attention, but never thought he could cheat.

He didn't seem too sad I left him, I mean he was sorry but not remorseful and never asked to come back to try again, which pretty much told me, he was still seeing this other woman and maybe others as well and probably still is.

My ex told me the same thing in that he liked the attention. Addictions are a disease of the ego and even without an addiction, the rate of men cheating is high.

The pain from this has got be back in Al Anon, a 12 strep groups and even therapy.
I'm going full force into healing me and will never allow anyone to treat me this way again.

I know this hurts
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Old 09-25-2010, 08:44 AM
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By the way, I am not for revenge. Just use that energy to get well and stay focused
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Old 09-25-2010, 09:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
I'm sorry HURTING, this was my post close to 7 weeks ago.
My ex and I were just about to go back to couples group and I caught him cheating. I knew he was needy for female attention, but never thought he could cheat.

He didn't seem too sad I left him, I mean he was sorry but not remorseful and never asked to come back to try again, which pretty much told me, he was still seeing this other woman and maybe others as well and probably still is.

My ex told me the same thing in that he liked the attention. Addictions are a disease of the ego and even without an addiction, the rate of men cheating is high.

The pain from this has got be back in Al Anon, a 12 strep groups and even therapy.
I'm going full force into healing me and will never allow anyone to treat me this way again.

I know this hurts

I actually sat on my hands for around 10 minutes, and decided, against my own better judgment, to post anyway.

I am a man and I never cheated, my last 3 wives (ha, there were ONLY 3 total, whataya think I'm nuts?) however, did cheat. Part of what I'm currently working on is why I felt so little self worth as to get involved repeatedly with women with so little integrity.

Statistically speaking the genders are pretty equal in the cheating department:

Are men cheating more than women? Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex


Oh, and as along as I'm hanging my azz out there, pretty sure the revenge stuff was tongue in cheek. You know, a little humor!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 09-25-2010, 10:33 AM
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Like the fella once said...The best revenge is a life well lived.
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Old 09-25-2010, 11:05 AM
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Living Well is the best Revenge...Benjamin Franklin..

now..charity to a homeless shelter....LOL
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Old 09-25-2010, 11:43 AM
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50-60% of men cheat? where did those statistics come from? guess i'm never getting married.
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Old 09-25-2010, 12:03 PM
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Like I said, a little revenge goes a long way. I have no regrets for the few, unplanned, reactionary acts I executed at the onset of my discovery of AH affair. Hell, I wouldn't even consider them revenge because I wasn't thinking in those terms. Revenge wasn't my intention.

I was in so much pain I couldn't contain it. I'd call them acts of unleashed rage and pain, but not revenge. My advice is that if you find yourself acting out, lashing out in this way, be gentle with yourself. Speaking generally, this is when people kill each other- cases of infidelity. Crimes of passion.

Now that I think about it, I can say honestly that the only revenge I HAVE executed has been to create a life I love. Emerged from the ashes.

And seriously, I'm the poster child for using the energy of my pain to get well and stay focused. Hence the name Transformyself. I'm transforming my suffering. And damn glad I gave AH's favorite leather jacket to that homeless guy walking past my house that day I was staring at his stuff and sobbing. Still see that guy wearing it around town, too.
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