Originally Posted by
missphit 
that is great and even inspirational for me today. I love the idea of only have to make myself happy and i am looking forward to being able to do that! having choices, that is my awakening. good for you for having communication that was productive. My AH is trying and i pity him for being so lost, but whether he finds his way or not or is nice one day and mean the next will be of little consequence to me, i hope, when i am in another state and responsible for myself only.
that abuse thread was powerful for me today. I'm tired, but i'm not negative. just gotta power up again...thanks for your words, i'm looking forward to being on my own too! more now than ever!
I feel iike having a tantrum right now, having written one of my lengthy, brilliant posts, only to have it simply disappear into the black hole of I.E. nothingness.
So, I'll get right to the point.
The last part of the brain to fully develop is the prefrontal cortex...the "adult" part..the CEO, the part with some discipline, restraint and reason. This doesn't begin until around age 12 or later (coincidentally the age when many people begin using drugs, like nicotine). It is not usually fully developed until late teens or even early twenties.
Alcoholics commonly describe themselves as having stopped developing emotinonally when they began drinking. This is actually empirically true. The toxic substance(s) inhibit the normal development of the prefrontal cortex, which means one is left at an adolescent stage. Rationally and emotionally ********, so to speak.
If it feels like you're dealing with a 14 year old, with all the defiance, self-absorption, rebelliousness, impulsivity and overall poor judgement....it's because you are. And, although the prefrontal cortex will and does return to normal functioning with the cessation of using the substances, it generally takes anywhere from 6 months to three years to become fully functional. Which means that the alcoholic often needs to remain abstinent even though that inner adolescent is fighting tooth and nail. It is a constant and terrible conflict that really only lessens with time. Which is why it's much easier for the alcoholic to stop than it is to stay stopped. Imagine....needing to talk a teenager into "letting others do his thinking for him" for an extended time until he is capable of doing it himself. Good luck with that!!! And the more you push, the more they'll push back. So in the end, "let go and let God," is probably not only good advice, but pretty much the only option. And the letting go always needs to come FIRST. Like teenagers, recovering alcoholics need to evolve from "self will run riot," to adult autonomy. It's all in the brain.
blessings
zenbear