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and the saga continues...

Old 09-24-2010, 03:27 AM
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and the saga continues...

but i am working very hard at not allowing myself to be angry, particularly because i know that is just what the alcoholic is looking for. Yesterday was a trying day, to say the least, but i didn't feel negative at all. The alcoholic that i am working to escape from is attempting to lash out in a very childish way and I worked very hard at trying to be calm though all the negative behavior. I have no idea whether there was alcohol directly involved or not and i don't want to know. All i know is that i deserve some amount of respect as a person and that he can't play music really loud late in the evenings and late at night.
It has been an issue and makes it very difficult to get to sleep with the banging of the base. along with that i was getting phone calls every hour or two, off and on regarding activities, decisions, where he was, what he was doing, foolish things that would end with him throwing little digs then calling to apologize, while i didn't react, at all! i know it isn't me, it is him.
Anyway, last night i was tired and he was playing his music very loud and i called him to ask him to turn it down, please. he apologized and said he would, but it never seems to get done. i called again and asked, he got furious i just asked nicely and hung up. this went on a couple more times (i know stupid me trying to be understanding) and then i finally told him that i know the law here is no loud music after 11 and i would be happy to call the police if it was too hard for him to just have some respect. He hit the roof, i said thank you and hung up, the music went off and i could go to sleep. What was up with that? he had gone to a meeting ( with the man he reached out to the other day) but he must have come home furious.
this behavior, where ever it is coming from is pushing me right out the door. i can't wait not to have to deal with this selfish, insensitive, completely unaware person who has no regard for anything else in the world but himself. He is an egomaniac with an serious inferiority complex and i am working really hard not to take it personally even though it is directly affecting my life. Today i will take back the stereo, that is mine as a birthday present bought for me by a family member and stop the pounding noise that i hear late in the evenings. Is it wrong for me to expect some respect in the evenings after 9 pm so that i can get to sleep? i wake up very early, always have and we also have a family with young children that go to school living next door. Don't i have the right to expect his music to be turned down at night? I certainly think i do.
I didn't loose my temper, I didn't say anything mean. i got right to the point and can't wait to get the heck out of here!!! called about an apartment yesterday and my daughter is going to look at it today. have an appointment with a lawyer next week.....i'm moving forward, slowly but surely. the house is completely topsy turvy and though my instinct is to keep things in order behind me, i have stopped myself from using my energy to clean up behind myself....i have too much to do already, that is just more pressure i don't need. I had to vent this morning and now i feel better. so glad this forum is here and that i am not trying to fix things, like i have all these years...just trying to take care of me and looking forward to not having to go through this anymore! the freedom is a great motivator!!
Here is to another great day of packing and preparing for my departure!!! couldn't help myself, that one looks like fun!!!
reminds me of a song called F**k was I thinkin...here is the link. it always makes me smile in a weird way. the lyrics are perfect....don't mean to offend anyone with foul language, but it is just right for me!
YouTube - Jenny Owen Youngs - "F*ck Was I"
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Old 09-24-2010, 03:40 AM
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Hello you - sounds like a most trying day. You AH is certainly a very selfish one - no doubt about that but that seems to be a common trait.
When I temporarily moved out until my husband left the house I did have to go back a couple of times to get things. One time I had to be there for a couple of hours while windows were replaced. He was so unpleasant to me though that it made it all much easier. Whenever I had to call round he was either emotionally abusive to me or just laying on the couch in a state of inertia. In a way your AH is making it that bit easier - if he were actually being decent it would probably be harder. I was quite grateful for how horrid mine was. I actually thanked him the one morning - I said "Thank-you ..you are making this very easy for me and completely reassuring me that I have made the right decision".
As for that frying pan smily - another reason I ended it was my own fury and outrage at him... (working on that now - codependency identified and being addressed :P). After the police became involved on the day I called an ambulence, I was asked if I was scared of AH being violent. I said no not really - I am more scared of what I might do - I can imagine I am going to whack him over the head with a frying pan one day and it might just kill him.
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Old 09-24-2010, 03:48 AM
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thank you! I feel exactly that way. he is just helping to push me right out that door and it is definitely making things easier for me! I too, could imagine myself with a frying pan and the fantasy of that is amusing!
this entire saga of someone telling me they have feelings for me, then treating me like trash is so tiring and i know that I don't deserve it so.....I am counting down the days and looking very forward to not having to put up with this anymore. I am visualizing where i want to live and where i want to work and making it real in my thoughts to keep the energy positive!
Here is to making today a better one as i take back my stereo and pack it away in a box never to be seen or heard from again until i am in my new space!
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Old 09-24-2010, 03:56 AM
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YAY - good for you.
Love is action, not words - active alcoholics have absolutely no capacity for that.
Will you be packing your frying pan Missphit?

oops -I was going to sort that bathroom out half an hour ago - time flies on SR!
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Old 09-24-2010, 04:04 AM
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yes, i'm definitely taking the frying pan too! I am picking and choosing what i want and don't want and will leave a wake behind me because i no longer have to clean up any mess for the alcoholic that lives here. He can clean it up himself! It will be a great day when i pull out of this driveway and head up north to my very own little place!
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Old 09-24-2010, 04:32 AM
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Originally Posted by missphit View Post
but i am working very hard at not allowing myself to be angry, particularly because i know that is just what the alcoholic is looking for. Yesterday was a trying day, to say the least, but i didn't feel negative at all. The alcoholic that i am working to escape from is attempting to lash out in a very childish way and I worked very hard at trying to be calm though all the negative behavior. I have no idea whether there was alcohol directly involved or not and i don't want to know. All i know is that i deserve some amount of respect as a person and that he can't play music really loud late in the evenings and late at night.
It has been an issue and makes it very difficult to get to sleep with the banging of the base. along with that i was getting phone calls every hour or two, off and on regarding activities, decisions, where he was, what he was doing, foolish things that would end with him throwing little digs then calling to apologize, while i didn't react, at all! i know it isn't me, it is him.
Anyway, last night i was tired and he was playing his music very loud and i called him to ask him to turn it down, please. he apologized and said he would, but it never seems to get done. i called again and asked, he got furious i just asked nicely and hung up. this went on a couple more times (i know stupid me trying to be understanding) and then i finally told him that i know the law here is no loud music after 11 and i would be happy to call the police if it was too hard for him to just have some respect. He hit the roof, i said thank you and hung up, the music went off and i could go to sleep. What was up with that? he had gone to a meeting ( with the man he reached out to the other day) but he must have come home furious.
this behavior, where ever it is coming from is pushing me right out the door. i can't wait not to have to deal with this selfish, insensitive, completely unaware person who has no regard for anything else in the world but himself. He is an egomaniac with an serious inferiority complex and i am working really hard not to take it personally even though it is directly affecting my life. Today i will take back the stereo, that is mine as a birthday present bought for me by a family member and stop the pounding noise that i hear late in the evenings. Is it wrong for me to expect some respect in the evenings after 9 pm so that i can get to sleep? i wake up very early, always have and we also have a family with young children that go to school living next door. Don't i have the right to expect his music to be turned down at night? I certainly think i do.
I didn't loose my temper, I didn't say anything mean. i got right to the point and can't wait to get the heck out of here!!! called about an apartment yesterday and my daughter is going to look at it today. have an appointment with a lawyer next week.....i'm moving forward, slowly but surely. the house is completely topsy turvy and though my instinct is to keep things in order behind me, i have stopped myself from using my energy to clean up behind myself....i have too much to do already, that is just more pressure i don't need. I had to vent this morning and now i feel better. so glad this forum is here and that i am not trying to fix things, like i have all these years...just trying to take care of me and looking forward to not having to go through this anymore! the freedom is a great motivator!!
Here is to another great day of packing and preparing for my departure!!! couldn't help myself, that one looks like fun!!!
reminds me of a song called F**k was I thinkin...here is the link. it always makes me smile in a weird way. the lyrics are perfect....don't mean to offend anyone with foul language, but it is just right for me!
YouTube - Jenny Owen Youngs - "F*ck Was I"
He sounds just like mine - a right peach!

What is it with alcoholics and loud music. My AH's dad was the same and my AH still tells the story about how his dad came home drunk one day during an uncomfortable divorce and was playing loud music. My AH about 17yrs at the time, went downstairs to find his dad lying on the floor with the huge speakers either side of his head. My AH was furious with him. Just the other evening, I had to put up with 2.5 hrs of load bass music in the next room to me that I just tried my best to ignore. I had to laugh though when he started singing 'Cigarettes and Alchol' by Oasis at the top of his voice. They are so childish.

I dont know if you are like me at the moment but all this bull**** does, is just reinforce your descision to leave. Its such madness though. hopefully you are having a quieter day today.
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Old 09-24-2010, 04:59 AM
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you are right and it really is so sad to see such a broken human being, or the remnants of the human i once knew. i also am working so hard not to dwell on the act and find myself trying to figure out what caused this. so stupid of me because i know there is no reason and i can't make rational sense out of irrational behavior. the good side is that it helps motivate me to continue packing and singing the song i pasted the link to above! it's so appropriate. I am looking forward to a quiet morning because i know he has an appointment, and even though he is not living in the house, but next door in his studio, he has to use some of the amenities here so i have to share and hope that will be okay. we both own this home and so unless he is having a lucid day, i can't really force him to leave, though, if i feel unsafe I will not hesitate to call the law and have them take him away. thank goodness that has not happened yet. here is to a day of packing, patience, and peace.
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Old 09-24-2010, 06:52 AM
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okay, so he left for the day and i've taken my stereo out of the space and left a smaller cd player that can't do the same damage this did late at night with all the banging and bass pounding. The sick thing is, i felt, for a fleeting moment, that i owed him an explaination why i did it because i didn't want to "upset" him, then i realized that he was the one who was inconsiderate and irresponsible and so i am just taking care of myself and i owe him nothing. i didn't leave him without a way to play music, just without a way to annoy the world around him while playing music.
I felt sick when i realized what i was going to do and that writing an apology would only serve as fuel for another alcoholic rage too! so if it is going to happen, then it doesn't really matter what i do. The other thing is, that studio stinks like beer and i found a giant trash bad filled with cans in every stage. It appears he is going to meeting with the man he reached out to (most definitely for my benefit) and comes home to drink.....how sad. Anyway, i feel like i did the right thing and will pack the stereo up so it is not obvious and i can feel safe. what a sad, sad situation and i will be so relieved not to have to worry like this when i can finally get out of here. the good thing is, he is supposed to go away for work next week for 2 weeks, so i am hoping that happens and i can go about my business without the underlying stress.
sure does feel like a weight around my neck to have to always watch my back because of unpredicatable behavior....but I am working on making myself safe and calm and i keep saying the serenity prayer and using this stress as fuel to help me get the F out of this mess!!!
Okay, feel much better now that i've left these feelings here! so grateful for this place and the support and understanding.
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Old 09-24-2010, 08:04 AM
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I have wondered if needing the music up loud as possible is trying to drown out the voices in their heads, the ones telling them truths about their "way of life". Either that or their hearing is totally stuffed. Late XAH was deaf so there was some excuse if he had the music a bit loud, but RABF had it pounding and liked it that way.....til I took my stereo out and put it in a friend's place. Told RABF that if all I got from my stereo was having a drunk, play rotten, loud music late at night, I may as well get rid of it, so I had done so. He still had use of the clock radio......he he.

A few weeks later he really blotted his copy book, and I told him I was leaving, gave 1 month notice and did so.

Memories of nights just like those described here, made my skin crawl. YUCK.

God bless
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Old 09-24-2010, 09:41 AM
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thank you! the memory of reliving it is making my skin crawl too. it is so sad. I just got a phone call from him saying he owes me many amends and will not be doing those sort of thoughtless things to me again! i thanked him and said goodbye. It really isn't even my business anymore. i just want to be safe until i can leave. that is all i ask....sure hope i can get it.
thanks for the reply....
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Old 09-25-2010, 05:16 AM
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i woke up tired today. it seems this "battle" is getting to me just a little bit, but....i am looking forward, not backward. I am going to make a list, and do as much as i can, then take it easy. i got more boxes yesterday and will pack them today to prepare for tomorrow. I hope AH will just stay out of my way. The "one day on, one day off" ride is making me so weary. i am generally pretty even keeled and i read the post about emotional/verbal abuse and AH fits the mold. he has accused me of being argumentative when i am just asking for clarity of a statment he makes, or if i have a different point of view....i see it as just thinking differently. It is a really sad situation and i am looking forward to being out of it, more than i can say!!
My parents are coming to visit me next week for a week and it will be a welcome visit to be around people that really love ME. I feel isolated here, for the first time in a long time. I have always had friends and things to do and i don't feel close enough to those people to be around them feeling like this. I do keep in touch on the phone with my loved ones and i am so grateful for this forum to help me vent because i know that my family members get tired of hearing this over and over. I look forward to the day i get to drive away. it's moving so slowly, but i know as it gets closer it'll move faster and i can't wait!!
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Old 09-25-2010, 05:43 AM
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Aww (((hugs))) hang in there Missphit.

I read that post about emotional/verbal abuse too and both me and my husband fit the bill there. I am so glad I found this place because if I hadn't I would have had no idea I had anything wrong with me and no idea how to even start fixing it.
I had a productive conversation with my husband yesterday via emails. I may have to stop calling him AH and start calling him RAH. I think he is actually getting on top of his alcohol dependency and told me he bought the AA book and has been reading it. I know he has been rooting around this place and reading a lot on SR too. He and I also realise that he was never as far down the line as many of the As described here -but that is where it can end up. The part he is having problem with is the higher power part but I had problems with that too as part of my recovery from codependency. I am open to hear what HP may want to say to me. I am starting to wonder if its not HP that caused me to find my way here because it really has turned my whole life around.
I am not looking for any quick fixes and I am not offering hope to anyone but myself. I see a very VERY big picture here and my mind and heart are open. I will not be manipulated, hooked in, or rushed into anything at all. My minimum time span before I would even consider reuniting with him is a year - and thats only if BOTH of us are fixed. We both agree that, should we ever be together again, it would be an alcohol free life - for both of us. The improvement in our communication generally was remarkable = thank you so much Melody Beattie.
I have come to realise one thing with the most amazing clarity - - only I am responsible for my own happiness. I spent my whole life wanting to be with a man who would make me happy! DOH - only I can make me happy. Wish I had realised that a lot sooner.
My deal breakers for any potential with the 2 of us are - relapse to using alcohol as a crutch (or indeed for anything at all) and - any kind of failure to take care of his own physical health.
Hey - I really like me at the moment. I am detached with love, open to what may be a spiritual awakening in me, happy with the concept of being on my own for the rest of my days and just generally feeling...yeah ...groovy.
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Old 09-25-2010, 06:32 AM
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that is great and even inspirational for me today. I love the idea of only have to make myself happy and i am looking forward to being able to do that! having choices, that is my awakening. good for you for having communication that was productive. My AH is trying and i pity him for being so lost, but whether he finds his way or not or is nice one day and mean the next will be of little consequence to me, i hope, when i am in another state and responsible for myself only.
that abuse thread was powerful for me today. I'm tired, but i'm not negative. just gotta power up again...thanks for your words, i'm looking forward to being on my own too! more now than ever!
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Old 09-25-2010, 07:17 AM
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Originally Posted by missphit View Post
that is great and even inspirational for me today. I love the idea of only have to make myself happy and i am looking forward to being able to do that! having choices, that is my awakening. good for you for having communication that was productive. My AH is trying and i pity him for being so lost, but whether he finds his way or not or is nice one day and mean the next will be of little consequence to me, i hope, when i am in another state and responsible for myself only.
that abuse thread was powerful for me today. I'm tired, but i'm not negative. just gotta power up again...thanks for your words, i'm looking forward to being on my own too! more now than ever!
I feel iike having a tantrum right now, having written one of my lengthy, brilliant posts, only to have it simply disappear into the black hole of I.E. nothingness.

So, I'll get right to the point.

The last part of the brain to fully develop is the prefrontal cortex...the "adult" part..the CEO, the part with some discipline, restraint and reason. This doesn't begin until around age 12 or later (coincidentally the age when many people begin using drugs, like nicotine). It is not usually fully developed until late teens or even early twenties.

Alcoholics commonly describe themselves as having stopped developing emotinonally when they began drinking. This is actually empirically true. The toxic substance(s) inhibit the normal development of the prefrontal cortex, which means one is left at an adolescent stage. Rationally and emotionally retarded, so to speak.

If it feels like you're dealing with a 14 year old, with all the defiance, self-absorption, rebelliousness, impulsivity and overall poor judgement....it's because you are. And, although the prefrontal cortex will and does return to normal functioning with the cessation of using the substances, it generally takes anywhere from 6 months to three years to become fully functional. Which means that the alcoholic often needs to remain abstinent even though that inner adolescent is fighting tooth and nail. It is a constant and terrible conflict that really only lessens with time. Which is why it's much easier for the alcoholic to stop than it is to stay stopped. Imagine....needing to talk a teenager into "letting others do his thinking for him" for an extended time until he is capable of doing it himself. Good luck with that!!! And the more you push, the more they'll push back. So in the end, "let go and let God," is probably not only good advice, but pretty much the only option. And the letting go always needs to come FIRST. Like teenagers, recovering alcoholics need to evolve from "self will run riot," to adult autonomy. It's all in the brain.

blessings
zenbear
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Old 09-25-2010, 07:46 AM
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Thats exactly what I had come to understand zbear.
Great post

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Old 09-25-2010, 07:48 AM
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wonderful point Zbear and i fully "get it". it's never been said to me that way and makes perfect sense! of course (hitting self on head). I was always making jokes about AH being 60 going on 16 and i guess i wasn't far from the truth. He is like a child and i see why now. not that i want to do anything about it...nooooo thank you, but it does help me remain detached and not feel responsible for anyone but myself. I remember those days with my teenagers, only too well....i never thought i'd live through it, but i did and they did too! haha....thanks for that explanation. I do okay as long as i can put the puzzle together a little bit and that is just what you did for me, thank you! Yet another reason why it is important for me to get out of the way and that is just fine with me.
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Old 09-25-2010, 07:54 AM
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While me and RAH were going through our separation there was lot of blame, anger and hurt flying around. I recall typing to him something on the lines of:

"While we are at it, don't you think its time you grew up and started acting like a 45 year old man? You sound like a petulant teenager."

I knew at the time about the prefrontal cortex stuff so I wrote those words with more than a hint of irony but really - how true it is.
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