Doris-
I want to ask you does your mom say she wants to see you? If she does then go see her. Our expectations get us in trouble ya know. Your mom may not ever be capible of being able to relate to you in a way that seems loving. She is very ill. Perhaps on some level of her being she knows that you care and want to be there for her but, don't expect her to be able to respond in a way that looks or sounds like she knows this. Her illness has her in bondage. It is very sad.
Most of my family is addicted sometimes I see glimpses of the love that I crave from them and their disease can use that to it's advantage.
I heard someone say that "expectations pave the road to hell blessed and multiplied". We have to love them the way they are not how we want them to be.
Perhaps the only way she can show her love is by her not wanting you to see her the way she is. Can you just love her the way she is and not try to change her. Can you give to her what she wants instead of the "help" you want to give? If you can this might get you both some resolve.
I had to come to terms with my sister... I wanted so bad for her to change and not be strung out. I decieved myself and believed it was for her own good that I wanted this. But, I finally realized that she felt like I did not love her because I did not accept her as she is and she did everything she could to hurt me over this. I have stopped trying to change her and she has moved a few inches closer. It has been painful for us both. Of course it is not good for her to be strung out. But, she is the one who has to decide that for herself. All I can do is love her and pray for her and if she comes to me and asks me to help her hopefully I will.
It sounds like you have experienced a lot of loss in your life. You have moved away to try to get it together. Let your guilt motivate you to change.
sous amiga,
Lisa