Troubled Nomad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: são paulo, brazil
Posts: 5
Troubled Nomad
A warm hello to all.
This is kind of a first-aid post from someone who has fled thousands of miles from her alcoholic mother (and father). The distance may be soothing in some ways, or even make life possible in a sense, since i felt numb and immobilized before, in Europe, which is where i grew up--my dad was a high-school English teacher for the armed forces stationed in Germany. Maybe I caught the 'nomadic bug' from my dad, who fled smalltown Oklahoma to go to Europe...so it's not all about getting away from distressing family relationships. But for some reason I feel more alive, more able to experience intimacy and warmth with other people here in Brazil...i used to be extremely anxious about my body, intelligence, just about everything for that matter (now only a wee bit...hehehe), and here i feel a little more free to be me, am jollier and have better self-esteem....i learned to samba and have recently joined a very loving and helpful buddhist group.
but the troubles from home caught up with me, hard, when my mother had a heart attack in late March this year. I can't sleep at night and feel constantly torn between going back for good or having my own life. I mull all this over every single day.
Our relationship has always been troubled. My dad was an alcoholic, too, and when he got sober my mother sort of kept up the tradition. She drank socially during the marriage, which was miserable, and gradually turned alcoholic in the years after the divorce. I lived with her from age 12 to 16, and these were such painful, lonely years. I felt rejected by her, and there was a lot of emotional abuse. Ironically, although my father was the 'real' drunk of the family, I was unaware of this, and was (almost unhealthily) close to him.
When he died, - in part alcohol-related, I believe - in a way things worsened between my mother and me. She resented the fact that my dad left me some money, and still bears a bitter grudge - i guess of the love there was between me and my dad, ultimately. I kept a safe distance, living in Berlin close to my grandma, my mother's mother. When she died, though, there was just me and my mom left...she and her brothers are estranged. For the first time in 20 years, I stayed overnight at my mother's house. It's a trial. She has obsessive-compulsive disorder, besides the alcoholism, and literally crawls on the floor picking up crumbs or dirt she thinks i've tracked. She says my stuff smells. I know it sounds funny, but besides requiring a lot of patience and compassion, it just plain hurts.
up to the heart attack, my mother smoked, too, and she feels uncomfortable about her habits when i'm around. And i get controlling, even though i try to fight it. It's pretty much hell, with some easier hours in between. She dreads having me at her house. She does try, buying things she thinks i'll like...but tension rises as she yearns to smoke and drink without feeling watched.
anyway, when i made reservations to come see her in early june, (about 5 weeks ahead of time), she got put out and said I couldn't just come barging in on her like that. That I had to tell her more time in advance.
I felt so hurt, confused, that they'd canceled the reservation by the time i went back to the travel agency.
ok, i guess i'm rambling. Anyway, I have a new flight three weeks from now, and we just had a screaming fight on the phone. She was drunk, and she's a mean drunk. I know enough not to talk when she's been drinking, but i guess i'm out of practice since she seemed to have quit for a while after the heart attack. it's the second time we've fought. She said such awful things, and i did too. It hurts so much, and I feel lost over what to do. I consider just cutting everything off, too...but i don't think i can, or should...i always imagine there is some love, somewhere...although my therapist always said there she had very little to give. often i tend to agree. i have lots of trouble emotionally...you know, the thing about painful love...clinging to people who are unavailable....
A hug from Brazil, I hope I'll be able to meet some of you "personally"...I felt calmer reading your posts...less alone...
Thank you all...
Doris
This is kind of a first-aid post from someone who has fled thousands of miles from her alcoholic mother (and father). The distance may be soothing in some ways, or even make life possible in a sense, since i felt numb and immobilized before, in Europe, which is where i grew up--my dad was a high-school English teacher for the armed forces stationed in Germany. Maybe I caught the 'nomadic bug' from my dad, who fled smalltown Oklahoma to go to Europe...so it's not all about getting away from distressing family relationships. But for some reason I feel more alive, more able to experience intimacy and warmth with other people here in Brazil...i used to be extremely anxious about my body, intelligence, just about everything for that matter (now only a wee bit...hehehe), and here i feel a little more free to be me, am jollier and have better self-esteem....i learned to samba and have recently joined a very loving and helpful buddhist group.
but the troubles from home caught up with me, hard, when my mother had a heart attack in late March this year. I can't sleep at night and feel constantly torn between going back for good or having my own life. I mull all this over every single day.
Our relationship has always been troubled. My dad was an alcoholic, too, and when he got sober my mother sort of kept up the tradition. She drank socially during the marriage, which was miserable, and gradually turned alcoholic in the years after the divorce. I lived with her from age 12 to 16, and these were such painful, lonely years. I felt rejected by her, and there was a lot of emotional abuse. Ironically, although my father was the 'real' drunk of the family, I was unaware of this, and was (almost unhealthily) close to him.
When he died, - in part alcohol-related, I believe - in a way things worsened between my mother and me. She resented the fact that my dad left me some money, and still bears a bitter grudge - i guess of the love there was between me and my dad, ultimately. I kept a safe distance, living in Berlin close to my grandma, my mother's mother. When she died, though, there was just me and my mom left...she and her brothers are estranged. For the first time in 20 years, I stayed overnight at my mother's house. It's a trial. She has obsessive-compulsive disorder, besides the alcoholism, and literally crawls on the floor picking up crumbs or dirt she thinks i've tracked. She says my stuff smells. I know it sounds funny, but besides requiring a lot of patience and compassion, it just plain hurts.
up to the heart attack, my mother smoked, too, and she feels uncomfortable about her habits when i'm around. And i get controlling, even though i try to fight it. It's pretty much hell, with some easier hours in between. She dreads having me at her house. She does try, buying things she thinks i'll like...but tension rises as she yearns to smoke and drink without feeling watched.
anyway, when i made reservations to come see her in early june, (about 5 weeks ahead of time), she got put out and said I couldn't just come barging in on her like that. That I had to tell her more time in advance.
I felt so hurt, confused, that they'd canceled the reservation by the time i went back to the travel agency.
ok, i guess i'm rambling. Anyway, I have a new flight three weeks from now, and we just had a screaming fight on the phone. She was drunk, and she's a mean drunk. I know enough not to talk when she's been drinking, but i guess i'm out of practice since she seemed to have quit for a while after the heart attack. it's the second time we've fought. She said such awful things, and i did too. It hurts so much, and I feel lost over what to do. I consider just cutting everything off, too...but i don't think i can, or should...i always imagine there is some love, somewhere...although my therapist always said there she had very little to give. often i tend to agree. i have lots of trouble emotionally...you know, the thing about painful love...clinging to people who are unavailable....
A hug from Brazil, I hope I'll be able to meet some of you "personally"...I felt calmer reading your posts...less alone...
Thank you all...
Doris
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome Doris,
I, personally, would not feel compelled to visit someone who treats me badly just because we were blood relatives. Through the years I have surrounded myself with people who genuinely care about me and now they are my family.
We get into deep trouble when we try the same thing over and over expecting a different result.
Hugs,
JT
I, personally, would not feel compelled to visit someone who treats me badly just because we were blood relatives. Through the years I have surrounded myself with people who genuinely care about me and now they are my family.
We get into deep trouble when we try the same thing over and over expecting a different result.
Hugs,
JT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: são paulo, brazil
Posts: 5
Hi, JT, thanks for posting.
The thing is the guilt, you know, and leaving a relationship unresolved where there may still be some kind of chance...the possibility of her dying and feeling I hadn't helped her. In buddhist terms, I would generate, and am generating a lot of bad karma...thinking I'm more important than my mother...
Still, I respect your point of view. Maybe you could tell me some more about your experiences.
Hugs,
Doris
The thing is the guilt, you know, and leaving a relationship unresolved where there may still be some kind of chance...the possibility of her dying and feeling I hadn't helped her. In buddhist terms, I would generate, and am generating a lot of bad karma...thinking I'm more important than my mother...
Still, I respect your point of view. Maybe you could tell me some more about your experiences.
Hugs,
Doris
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 1
The thing is the guilt, you know, and leaving a relationship unresolved where there may still be some kind of chance...the possibility of her dying and feeling I hadn't helped her.
This explains the way I feel with my parents to a T I LIVE way too close to them within 2 miles they have not been to my house to see me in months.... My mother is a drug addict my father a alcoholic and drug addict.... I feel I am killing them by not making them get help like if they were to die it would be all my fault...
This explains the way I feel with my parents to a T I LIVE way too close to them within 2 miles they have not been to my house to see me in months.... My mother is a drug addict my father a alcoholic and drug addict.... I feel I am killing them by not making them get help like if they were to die it would be all my fault...
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Doris-
I want to ask you does your mom say she wants to see you? If she does then go see her. Our expectations get us in trouble ya know. Your mom may not ever be capible of being able to relate to you in a way that seems loving. She is very ill. Perhaps on some level of her being she knows that you care and want to be there for her but, don't expect her to be able to respond in a way that looks or sounds like she knows this. Her illness has her in bondage. It is very sad.
Most of my family is addicted sometimes I see glimpses of the love that I crave from them and their disease can use that to it's advantage.
I heard someone say that "expectations pave the road to hell blessed and multiplied". We have to love them the way they are not how we want them to be.
Perhaps the only way she can show her love is by her not wanting you to see her the way she is. Can you just love her the way she is and not try to change her. Can you give to her what she wants instead of the "help" you want to give? If you can this might get you both some resolve.
I had to come to terms with my sister... I wanted so bad for her to change and not be strung out. I decieved myself and believed it was for her own good that I wanted this. But, I finally realized that she felt like I did not love her because I did not accept her as she is and she did everything she could to hurt me over this. I have stopped trying to change her and she has moved a few inches closer. It has been painful for us both. Of course it is not good for her to be strung out. But, she is the one who has to decide that for herself. All I can do is love her and pray for her and if she comes to me and asks me to help her hopefully I will.
It sounds like you have experienced a lot of loss in your life. You have moved away to try to get it together. Let your guilt motivate you to change.
sous amiga,
Lisa
I want to ask you does your mom say she wants to see you? If she does then go see her. Our expectations get us in trouble ya know. Your mom may not ever be capible of being able to relate to you in a way that seems loving. She is very ill. Perhaps on some level of her being she knows that you care and want to be there for her but, don't expect her to be able to respond in a way that looks or sounds like she knows this. Her illness has her in bondage. It is very sad.
Most of my family is addicted sometimes I see glimpses of the love that I crave from them and their disease can use that to it's advantage.
I heard someone say that "expectations pave the road to hell blessed and multiplied". We have to love them the way they are not how we want them to be.
Perhaps the only way she can show her love is by her not wanting you to see her the way she is. Can you just love her the way she is and not try to change her. Can you give to her what she wants instead of the "help" you want to give? If you can this might get you both some resolve.
I had to come to terms with my sister... I wanted so bad for her to change and not be strung out. I decieved myself and believed it was for her own good that I wanted this. But, I finally realized that she felt like I did not love her because I did not accept her as she is and she did everything she could to hurt me over this. I have stopped trying to change her and she has moved a few inches closer. It has been painful for us both. Of course it is not good for her to be strung out. But, she is the one who has to decide that for herself. All I can do is love her and pray for her and if she comes to me and asks me to help her hopefully I will.
It sounds like you have experienced a lot of loss in your life. You have moved away to try to get it together. Let your guilt motivate you to change.
sous amiga,
Lisa
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