Originally Posted by
missphit 
another day and i'm awake and raring to go. I have been taking care of myself in a really good way. Eating well, sleeping well and making sure to exercise and take time to read and relax. No reason to over do anything. this whole situation is stressful enough. The Alcoholic has been around, off and on and finally reached out for help to a man that has always been available, but he never bothered with. I know it is an act to try to soften my responses, but I am not interested, or available for any of that anymore. I am determined, for me and me only! he says he is falling apart at the seams...and i said i was sorry, and i hope he can find his way.
I don't feel angry anymore. i have been able to shed the resentment, finally and now i am excited and ready to move forward because i deserve this adventure and want to get to work, have my own place and feel that freedom!
My two cats are getting along beautifully after a nice long talk we had, okay not beautifully, but they are working on it and that makes me very happy. they are my pals and will be coming with me. I have contacted a lawyer and I am getting all of my little ducks in a row to prepare for departure....It is all good and i feel great about it!!
i see myself where i want to be and i am excited. I am glad to be older, now and going through this so i don't have the worry about dating and lonliness...i like me and i can't wait to hang around with myself....if htat makes sense. cook what i like and read when i want to and not have to prepare food or clean the bathroom from someone else's mess!! yes, i want to put things the way i like them and leave them that way!! i'm so tired of the contant battles.....the taste of freedom is very motivating for me...and i have to admit, there is some poetic justice seeing an old man who is breaking before my eyes and not having to worry about it, one little bit...just be sorry for him. i am glad it is not my fight and the demons are not mine anymore!
He admitted yesterday that he never felt adequate around me because of my ability to accomplish the things i set out to do. he also said that he hates me for being so strong and independent and has felt that way for a long time. that makes me feel even sadder for him....but, it is no longer my concern. In my head I am outta here and today is a good one too because i want it to be!! this experience is making me feel like a kid.....bringing out my childish self and i'm enjoying the heck out of that!!
I can identify with both you and your AH. Being the "bad child" to my wife's good and competent "mom," I felt inadequate as well. The process of recovery, and recapturing some confidence and self esteem was important to me. However willing I was to stop playing the role as the child, she wouldn't give up her parenting role....I was the identified problem, period. She even got herself accredited as an addictions counselor, to better monitor my progress....BUT....wouldn't entertain any thoughts of attending alanon. Pity. My recovery never got to the point where it was strong enough to withstand the sick relationship dynamics, and I kept relapsing. I finally gave up and left her 15 years ago. Haven't had a drink since.
Not only that, but I revel in my solitude and serenity (although I envy you your cats<G>). Most of my socializing is with fellow recovered folks, and I've not been tempted to fall into any significant, romantic relationships. The unconcern for all the stuff that goes along with "dating" and "image management" is a huge weight lifted off of me. I'm actually able to use my prefrontal cortex to make rational and reasonable decisions, rather than being ruled by the obsessions and impulsivities of my ego...which is, of course, the very center of my childishness and alcoholism. Wah wah...I want what I want....and I want it NOW. LOL
I'm now pretty content and grateful for the moment. No longer restless, irritable and discontent. I've come to believe that I'm lovable and worthy, and other people actually like and trust me...because I've become trustworthy. I think I can sum it all up by saying that I needed to grow up, but I also needed to separate and individuate from my pseudo mother or else ever remain an irresponsible child. I needed to strive for sobriety for its own sake, not for my wife, job, family, etc.
I've heard alcoholism referred to as a "family disease," and I think that's a pretty valid description. It sickens everyone it touches. I'm so happy for you that you've broken out of that trap. Not only will it serve you well, but it's probably the most loving thing you can do for him as well.
blessings
zenbear