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Old 09-21-2010, 03:01 AM
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so much to learn

As i read all the posts here in the mornings i realize how much i still have to learn and I gain strength from all of you who have gone through, and are going through the same things. Living with an alcoholic has really been a battle between me and the illness and i feel that i've lost, but, i realize i had no chance to win to begin with.
My eyes seemed to open up and see things so clearly, all of a sudden, after years in and out of Alanon, and reading everything i could and just wanting so badly to believe the words that came out of the alcoholic's mouth, and now....i see that it was ME who wanted those things and HE who promised them to be able to keep doing what he wanted. It is a terrible illness that has had me living in fear even though i didn't even feel it.
I am packing and collecting what little i can salvage to move on and go back and live in the same area as my kids. I try to spend the bulk of each day visualizing myself peaceful, happy doing some job and spending time with my kids and grandkids. If it is appropriate, i'd like to us this space as a chronicle to keep track of my progress, unless there is someplace else to do that.
The Alcoholic that i am working to get away from has chosen to give up on himself...so that shows me he never had any intention of taking care of himself, but rather to let me do the work and thus take hte blame....i should have let go long ago, but....i wanted so badly for him to want to be "okay"....that is not the case. I have managed to take care of me and i see this step as inevitable, because of that. I am just sorry it has taken me so freakin long to figure this out, but.....i have no regrets because of the time frame. it is sad to me and i do have some resentment toward his choices and the fact that he now runs away from the entire situation is has decided to stay away from the house, just making things harder for me...but i'm sure it is what is easiest for him...sweep things under the rug. i don't call him, or check on him like i once did. if he calls i talk to him and keep it very basic and don't get angry. I do speak the truth and try to be kind about it, but direct and I am being as honest as i can. I am sad that this is the end after 20 years and I am afraid, but excited at the same time. I have cried but will not really feel the void until i no longer have to live in this house and this town with this alcoholic. I hate having to see him coming and going as though he is just enjoying his time, though i know inside he is not. I hate that I have this mess to sort through and have decided that i will NOT clean up anything, but take what i want and leave the rest, just like alanon says.
I love that i am going someplace where alanon exists and i can participate and that i will be among people that love me and can show it!! i love that my children hold no resentments and realize that i was doing what i thought was best because i loved someone and wanted the best for them. I love that my family and friends are so supportive.
Okay....that is my pep talk for today. Today, i will pack, try not to wonder what the alcoholic in my life is doing and feel resentful because i am stuck sorting out this mess and he is off eating in restaurants and just relaxing and taking it easy. I am angry that he refuses to take care of himself but relieved that I know better and feel such clarity. his behavior has reinforced my choices and I am so grateful I am finally even aware that i HAVE choices.....
that is enough for today. I am really grateful for this forum!
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Old 09-21-2010, 05:12 AM
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Wow. What a powerful post!!! Thank you, missphit, for sharing this with us today.

I wish I could properly convey to you how hopeful and happy I feel for you right now. I know you are going thru a tough time sorting through all the belongings and such. That's nasty business. Just keep focused on the day when it is finally done and you are driving away from the madness and into a bright new life. Yes, you are blessed to have a loving family and supportive friends but I can tell that you deserve all that and more.

God bless you!!! Be well!
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Old 09-21-2010, 05:54 AM
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Hi Misphit....inspirational post. IMO, you are truly "walking the walk" of recovery, a walk that is often far more difficult and confusing for the SO than it is for the alcoholic. I admire your honesty, openmindedness and willingess to walk through to the other side, and wish you the very best on your journey.

Just curious...you mentioned Alanon. Did that program help you with meaningful change and self examination?

In AA we say, "let go and let god." I say that love is always willing to let go. It never clings, never holds on, takes no hostages. Probably the most loving thing I did in my own marriage was to finally leave it....

blessings
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Old 09-21-2010, 06:03 AM
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*stands up and applauds.... and smiles*
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Old 09-21-2010, 08:28 AM
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thank you all for you replies. It is a great "push" for me to come back after packing stuff and seeing the responses to gain more energy and do it again. Alanon gave me a bit of a shove, though i've not been able to attend F2F meetings in this area, certain parts of it have helped me to take responsibility without taking blame or feeling bad about my part. afterall "i've done the best i can with what i have" the rest has come from being sick and tired of being sick AND tired and also, my very recent 55th birthday has been a rude awakening along with some events that transpired around an alcoholic binge that lasted for days and days and ME finally seeing that i was "that woman" who's heart kept being broken because she thought she was getting through to someone only to find she was lying to herself!! I was her....the 55 year old woman who was trying to stay married to someone she couldn't trust and didn't trust HERSELF enough to take proper care of herself because she deserved it. Well, i'm not her now, i feel empowered and strong and i can't wait to get the F**** outa here, while i still have my health, sense of humor and I am taking care of myself.....I know i deserve better, finally and i'm going to get it and show myself that I am worth it. I am going home....and it is where i belonged all along, but.....i didn't trust me!
I pity my AH because he can never know the pain, and thus never know the happiness....they go togther, hand in hand and though i feel very raw and frightened, i am so excited. I have some terrible jobs to finish up here, like putting down a couple of old cats that cannot make the trip and cannot be left here and have no place to go because they are ferals that i have cared for for the past 8 years and they are my responsibility. it breaks my heart, but i know it is the best for them and when i think about it, I HATE that alcoholic for forcing me into these choices, but i am also angry at myself for being so blind and pretending that everything was okay, and taking on more responsibility than i should have to avoid really seeing my life. I could go on, but i know you all know the story....i thank you for being here and allowing me to unload my thoughts on these pages and responding which is giving me energy and power over myself!!! you have no idea how much i appreciate you all being out there....then again, maybe you do.....sending wishes for strength to all!!! and most of all, peace!
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Old 09-21-2010, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by missphit View Post
I was her....the 55 year old woman who was trying to stay married to someone she couldn't trust and didn't trust HERSELF enough to take proper care of herself because she deserved it. Well, i'm not her now, i feel empowered and strong and i can't wait to get the F**** outa here, while i still have my health, sense of humor and I am taking care of myself.....I know i deserve better, finally and i'm going to get it and show myself that I am worth it. I am going home....and it is where i belonged all along.....

WOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Girlfriend, you are gonna be just fine!!!
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Old 09-21-2010, 01:13 PM
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misphit what an awesome post!
Keep picturing that serene life in a peaceful home and spending time w/ grandkids! What a great meditation.
Best of luck - keep posting--
peace-
B
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Old 09-21-2010, 03:18 PM
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thank you all!! my day is coming to an end and i have to say that posting this morning was so therapeutic for me. it gave me peace and strength throughout my day and i actually had a reasonable conversation with the alcoholic in my life. I am relieved that i can speak for myself without getting angry or defensive, for now anyway, and that he is hearing me and speechless, for the very first time. I have to say that i just don't know why i never could do this before, but it really doesn't matter because i'm doing it now and i feel like i'm experiencing some sort of rebirth!! now to work out the logistics of it all....but i know it will all work out! i am apartment hunting and finding some great places for my daughter to look at for me. i just "feel" that everything is going to fall into place as the time gets closer and I can't wait. It is a huge relief that my days are not about him anymore...they are about me.....only me and my plans and my journey! it feels really good....sorta lonely but that is not even bad, because i've been used to spending so much time alone since the AH works out of town quite a bit so i'm used to being by myself...i feel fortunate about that! I can't wait to play Barbies whenever i want with my grandaughter...did i mention that i still love Barbie? well, i do and i'm not ashamed to admit it!! hahaha.....what a winter i have in store. i used to hate the cold and now i'm looking forward to the snow...imagine? how things change. today is a good day....i feel like the song by Ingrid Michaelson, Be Okay....here is the song and lyrics:

INGRID MICHAELSON - BE OK LYRICS
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Old 09-21-2010, 03:47 PM
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So when is your target move-out date?

ARe you gonna have to rent a U-Haul to get your stuff from Point A to Point B?

YAY! Yay! Yay!
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Old 09-21-2010, 03:59 PM
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This is all so wonderful to read Missphit.
You are not so very far behind me in this journey - its like taking the plunge into the most invitingly cool water after being stuck in the heat of the moment for what seems like forever.
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Old 09-22-2010, 01:22 AM
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that is the perfect description!! yes, that invigorating, cooold water...i look forward to the plunge. My plan is this.....i am packing what i want and leaving hte rest...i only have a few things i must have, the rest i can aquire when i get there. i have boxes and a few pieces of furniture so i will rent a Uhaul and drive with someone who has offered to join me for the journey, as it is a long ride.....and my target to be there is the first week in November...not long at all. I am trying to find a lawyer, within reason, for a consult, as i am leaving a house and want to be protected legally because i'm also leaving the state. So far AH is being fine and offering to help all he can because he is realizing how much he really is responsible for and that give me strength too. I feel like i am being validated, even if he is not being honest, it is what i need to hear to keep going. In the past, those words would have melted my heart and made me want to stay....not now and for that I really am thankful...in a huge way!
I am feeling very proud of myself, though i'm not sleeping quite "right" and have alot on my mind and still have my moments of sadness i also know this is the best thing for everyone affected and infected by this illness. I am looking so forward to not having to "deal" with it on a daily basis and beginning a new adventure. It is about time, really!!
I feel I am in such great company here. Thank you FBH, your words are just perfect for me to read. I appreciate it more than you know....won't be long now....I'm almost there! I want to be home to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family for the first time in many years, my kids and I will be together. THAT will be a great reward!
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Old 09-22-2010, 01:28 AM
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You have every right to feel proud of yourself. I think it would be good to leave so much behind and start again - but this house was mine before I married AH and everything in it too so I am staying here (for now). I am already counting down the days for you!

Last edited by freebuthurting; 09-22-2010 at 01:29 AM. Reason: adding to text
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Old 09-22-2010, 01:46 AM
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thank you FBH. I feel fortunate, in a way, that after all these years i don't have too much of value that i have to worry about and keep. I can pick and choose the things i want and don't want. I am not very big on hanging on and the purge is also theraputic. I would keep my house if it was in a location that i could stay in and just change things around, make them MY WAY, and have a cleansing....burn some sage and have a spiritual cleansing of negative energy too!! I'm sure being in the midst of those reminders are hard and i'm sorry. Maybe you can redecorate a bit and change things around a little to renew your space!! That has always been helpful for me, and unfortunately, it's helped me to hang in here for longer than is should have...just make things around me pretty and pleasant and it helps me look at things so differently. I am counting the days too!! i won't really believe it, until i am there, but i can see it all in my mind's eye!! every single day!!
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Old 09-22-2010, 04:13 AM
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I was lucky - at the same time that AH departed for the USA my parents sold a house that Dad had inherited. I took some of the furniture from that house. I also had some new windows so I was able to make some minimal but meaningful changes at the time of separation. I love my house and though there are memories of my marriage here there are also memories of my previous partner (and father of my children) who I shared the place for 7 mainly happy years with. Part of me would love to move and make a fresh start in a new house but the rest of me loves this house and everything I have poured into it. I am in a purge though - I am getting rid of so much clutter and unwanted things that ebay does not know what has hit it!!!
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Old 09-22-2010, 05:55 AM
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Good for you!! we will be purging together!! enjoy!
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Old 09-22-2010, 06:55 AM
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It's inspirational to me, and I'm sure to many others, to have you two new members around sharing your journeys.

The two of you are light years ahead of where I was when I got here. Good on you both.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 09-23-2010, 04:10 AM
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another day and i'm awake and raring to go. I have been taking care of myself in a really good way. Eating well, sleeping well and making sure to exercise and take time to read and relax. No reason to over do anything. this whole situation is stressful enough. The Alcoholic has been around, off and on and finally reached out for help to a man that has always been available, but he never bothered with. I know it is an act to try to soften my responses, but I am not interested, or available for any of that anymore. I am determined, for me and me only! he says he is falling apart at the seams...and i said i was sorry, and i hope he can find his way.
I don't feel angry anymore. i have been able to shed the resentment, finally and now i am excited and ready to move forward because i deserve this adventure and want to get to work, have my own place and feel that freedom!
My two cats are getting along beautifully after a nice long talk we had, okay not beautifully, but they are working on it and that makes me very happy. they are my pals and will be coming with me. I have contacted a lawyer and I am getting all of my little ducks in a row to prepare for departure....It is all good and i feel great about it!!
i see myself where i want to be and i am excited. I am glad to be older, now and going through this so i don't have the worry about dating and lonliness...i like me and i can't wait to hang around with myself....if htat makes sense. cook what i like and read when i want to and not have to prepare food or clean the bathroom from someone else's mess!! yes, i want to put things the way i like them and leave them that way!! i'm so tired of the contant battles.....the taste of freedom is very motivating for me...and i have to admit, there is some poetic justice seeing an old man who is breaking before my eyes and not having to worry about it, one little bit...just be sorry for him. i am glad it is not my fight and the demons are not mine anymore!
He admitted yesterday that he never felt adequate around me because of my ability to accomplish the things i set out to do. he also said that he hates me for being so strong and independent and has felt that way for a long time. that makes me feel even sadder for him....but, it is no longer my concern. In my head I am outta here and today is a good one too because i want it to be!! this experience is making me feel like a kid.....bringing out my childish self and i'm enjoying the heck out of that!!
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Old 09-23-2010, 04:34 AM
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YaY

Another great post Missphit.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking about meeting someone else and dating again and within 2 seconds I think "No - I really can't be arsed - I am happier on my own".
I am in my late 30s.
lol
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Old 09-23-2010, 05:58 AM
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Originally Posted by missphit View Post
another day and i'm awake and raring to go. I have been taking care of myself in a really good way. Eating well, sleeping well and making sure to exercise and take time to read and relax. No reason to over do anything. this whole situation is stressful enough. The Alcoholic has been around, off and on and finally reached out for help to a man that has always been available, but he never bothered with. I know it is an act to try to soften my responses, but I am not interested, or available for any of that anymore. I am determined, for me and me only! he says he is falling apart at the seams...and i said i was sorry, and i hope he can find his way.
I don't feel angry anymore. i have been able to shed the resentment, finally and now i am excited and ready to move forward because i deserve this adventure and want to get to work, have my own place and feel that freedom!
My two cats are getting along beautifully after a nice long talk we had, okay not beautifully, but they are working on it and that makes me very happy. they are my pals and will be coming with me. I have contacted a lawyer and I am getting all of my little ducks in a row to prepare for departure....It is all good and i feel great about it!!
i see myself where i want to be and i am excited. I am glad to be older, now and going through this so i don't have the worry about dating and lonliness...i like me and i can't wait to hang around with myself....if htat makes sense. cook what i like and read when i want to and not have to prepare food or clean the bathroom from someone else's mess!! yes, i want to put things the way i like them and leave them that way!! i'm so tired of the contant battles.....the taste of freedom is very motivating for me...and i have to admit, there is some poetic justice seeing an old man who is breaking before my eyes and not having to worry about it, one little bit...just be sorry for him. i am glad it is not my fight and the demons are not mine anymore!
He admitted yesterday that he never felt adequate around me because of my ability to accomplish the things i set out to do. he also said that he hates me for being so strong and independent and has felt that way for a long time. that makes me feel even sadder for him....but, it is no longer my concern. In my head I am outta here and today is a good one too because i want it to be!! this experience is making me feel like a kid.....bringing out my childish self and i'm enjoying the heck out of that!!
I can identify with both you and your AH. Being the "bad child" to my wife's good and competent "mom," I felt inadequate as well. The process of recovery, and recapturing some confidence and self esteem was important to me. However willing I was to stop playing the role as the child, she wouldn't give up her parenting role....I was the identified problem, period. She even got herself accredited as an addictions counselor, to better monitor my progress....BUT....wouldn't entertain any thoughts of attending alanon. Pity. My recovery never got to the point where it was strong enough to withstand the sick relationship dynamics, and I kept relapsing. I finally gave up and left her 15 years ago. Haven't had a drink since.

Not only that, but I revel in my solitude and serenity (although I envy you your cats<G>). Most of my socializing is with fellow recovered folks, and I've not been tempted to fall into any significant, romantic relationships. The unconcern for all the stuff that goes along with "dating" and "image management" is a huge weight lifted off of me. I'm actually able to use my prefrontal cortex to make rational and reasonable decisions, rather than being ruled by the obsessions and impulsivities of my ego...which is, of course, the very center of my childishness and alcoholism. Wah wah...I want what I want....and I want it NOW. LOL

I'm now pretty content and grateful for the moment. No longer restless, irritable and discontent. I've come to believe that I'm lovable and worthy, and other people actually like and trust me...because I've become trustworthy. I think I can sum it all up by saying that I needed to grow up, but I also needed to separate and individuate from my pseudo mother or else ever remain an irresponsible child. I needed to strive for sobriety for its own sake, not for my wife, job, family, etc.

I've heard alcoholism referred to as a "family disease," and I think that's a pretty valid description. It sickens everyone it touches. I'm so happy for you that you've broken out of that trap. Not only will it serve you well, but it's probably the most loving thing you can do for him as well.

blessings
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Old 09-23-2010, 06:02 AM
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Originally Posted by missphit View Post
another day and i'm awake and raring to go. I have been taking care of myself in a really good way. Eating well, sleeping well and making sure to exercise and take time to read and relax. No reason to over do anything. this whole situation is stressful enough. The Alcoholic has been around, off and on and finally reached out for help to a man that has always been available, but he never bothered with. I know it is an act to try to soften my responses, but I am not interested, or available for any of that anymore. I am determined, for me and me only! he says he is falling apart at the seams...and i said i was sorry, and i hope he can find his way.
I don't feel angry anymore. i have been able to shed the resentment, finally and now i am excited and ready to move forward because i deserve this adventure and want to get to work, have my own place and feel that freedom!
My two cats are getting along beautifully after a nice long talk we had, okay not beautifully, but they are working on it and that makes me very happy. they are my pals and will be coming with me. I have contacted a lawyer and I am getting all of my little ducks in a row to prepare for departure....It is all good and i feel great about it!!
i see myself where i want to be and i am excited. I am glad to be older, now and going through this so i don't have the worry about dating and lonliness...i like me and i can't wait to hang around with myself....if htat makes sense. cook what i like and read when i want to and not have to prepare food or clean the bathroom from someone else's mess!! yes, i want to put things the way i like them and leave them that way!! i'm so tired of the contant battles.....the taste of freedom is very motivating for me...and i have to admit, there is some poetic justice seeing an old man who is breaking before my eyes and not having to worry about it, one little bit...just be sorry for him. i am glad it is not my fight and the demons are not mine anymore!
He admitted yesterday that he never felt adequate around me because of my ability to accomplish the things i set out to do. he also said that he hates me for being so strong and independent and has felt that way for a long time. that makes me feel even sadder for him....but, it is no longer my concern. In my head I am outta here and today is a good one too because i want it to be!! this experience is making me feel like a kid.....bringing out my childish self and i'm enjoying the heck out of that!!

Couple of things. So glad to read about your decision to bring your old cats with, instead of putting them down, yea for them!

The other thing about being older and not having to worry about dating. I remember my mom being married to a raging alcoholic from about 36 to about 44.

A few years after their divorce, I asked her if it wasn't about time to "get back on that horse". Of course I was only about 24 and had MANY URGENT seeds left to sow. I remember her telling me, "You know, I may be over men. I think Billy may have cured me". Ha.

She had a good group of friends and had a busy fulfilling life, doing whatever, and going where ever she wanted the rest of her life. I didn't get it at the time, but I do now.

I'm 58, and I've been single since my axw left 4 years ago. I've NEVER been single for more that a year. There is no more urgency, I'm never lonely, I like my alone time, and most importantly I have a little girl to raise who doesn't need her dad getting "lost in a woman" again.

One day I hope a great woman comes along that will be a great mom to LMC and a great wife to me, her name is Abigale (LMC's pretend mom). Right now I'm working on being the kind of man that a good woman would be attracted to. No hurries.

Keep posting your inspirational progress, no telling how many "lurkers" you're touching, and we old timers LOVE reading "success stories".

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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