Should I ask his friend for help?
This is something I've been struggling with for the past few days and I know my new friends here will lead me in the right direction.
AH left the house 10 days ago after I confronted him again about his drinking. He is now staying in a friend's basement apartment. He of course has re-written history, told the friend I "threw him out," etc. and is living a life free of responsibility while I'm here taking care of the kids, the house, the dogs, the bills, alone.
AH fully acknowledges he has a drinking problem, and knows how serious it is, yet he's never managed to stay with a recovery program for longer than 6 months. Monday he supposedly checked into the VA hospital for 24 hours, where they started him with counseling, naltrexone, and mandatory AA meetings. However, when I had to call him tonight to ask him a question about a bill that needs to be paid, he had clearly been drinking again (and denies it of course).
The dilemma that I have is that I'm wondering if I should make his friend that's giving him a free and comfortable place to stay aware of the full extent of the situation. I don't know this friend well at all, but do know how to contact him. I'm learning all about not enabling and leaving AH to his own devices to either get sober or get sicker on his own. However, I don't think that the fact he has a nice place to stay rent-free without a responsibility in the world is helping him to reach his bottom. Instead of worrying about how to maintain his sobriety, afford a place to stay, etc. he's hanging out with his buddies and not having to face any responsibilities. I fully admit to being bitter about AH's new frat boy lifestyle while I'm holding down the fort at home, but I also have genuine concerns that the friend is unknowingly helping him to avoid facing the stark reality of his situation.
I'm sure this guy thinks he's doing the right thing, helping a friend to get back on his feet after he's been "thrown out" by his shrewish wife, but I feel like it's only giving AH the opportunity to stay sick without worrying about anything that's going on at home. I don't necessarily want AH to come home, because he's not welcome back here until he's fully committed to recovery, but at the same time I don't think staying rent-free with a buddy is helping him face the reality of his illness. So my question is am I crossing the line towards getting overly involved by talking to AH's friend about my concern, or am I justified in thinking that it might be helpful for him to know. AH still manages to appear fully functional to those who don't know him very well, and I doubt very much his friend has any idea just how bad things really are. I'm still learning my boundaries here, and it's hard to figure out the right thing to do in situations like these, so I'd appreciate any feedback you may have for me.