Should I ask his friend for help?
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 35
Should I ask his friend for help?
This is something I've been struggling with for the past few days and I know my new friends here will lead me in the right direction.
AH left the house 10 days ago after I confronted him again about his drinking. He is now staying in a friend's basement apartment. He of course has re-written history, told the friend I "threw him out," etc. and is living a life free of responsibility while I'm here taking care of the kids, the house, the dogs, the bills, alone.
AH fully acknowledges he has a drinking problem, and knows how serious it is, yet he's never managed to stay with a recovery program for longer than 6 months. Monday he supposedly checked into the VA hospital for 24 hours, where they started him with counseling, naltrexone, and mandatory AA meetings. However, when I had to call him tonight to ask him a question about a bill that needs to be paid, he had clearly been drinking again (and denies it of course).
The dilemma that I have is that I'm wondering if I should make his friend that's giving him a free and comfortable place to stay aware of the full extent of the situation. I don't know this friend well at all, but do know how to contact him. I'm learning all about not enabling and leaving AH to his own devices to either get sober or get sicker on his own. However, I don't think that the fact he has a nice place to stay rent-free without a responsibility in the world is helping him to reach his bottom. Instead of worrying about how to maintain his sobriety, afford a place to stay, etc. he's hanging out with his buddies and not having to face any responsibilities. I fully admit to being bitter about AH's new frat boy lifestyle while I'm holding down the fort at home, but I also have genuine concerns that the friend is unknowingly helping him to avoid facing the stark reality of his situation.
I'm sure this guy thinks he's doing the right thing, helping a friend to get back on his feet after he's been "thrown out" by his shrewish wife, but I feel like it's only giving AH the opportunity to stay sick without worrying about anything that's going on at home. I don't necessarily want AH to come home, because he's not welcome back here until he's fully committed to recovery, but at the same time I don't think staying rent-free with a buddy is helping him face the reality of his illness. So my question is am I crossing the line towards getting overly involved by talking to AH's friend about my concern, or am I justified in thinking that it might be helpful for him to know. AH still manages to appear fully functional to those who don't know him very well, and I doubt very much his friend has any idea just how bad things really are. I'm still learning my boundaries here, and it's hard to figure out the right thing to do in situations like these, so I'd appreciate any feedback you may have for me.
AH left the house 10 days ago after I confronted him again about his drinking. He is now staying in a friend's basement apartment. He of course has re-written history, told the friend I "threw him out," etc. and is living a life free of responsibility while I'm here taking care of the kids, the house, the dogs, the bills, alone.
AH fully acknowledges he has a drinking problem, and knows how serious it is, yet he's never managed to stay with a recovery program for longer than 6 months. Monday he supposedly checked into the VA hospital for 24 hours, where they started him with counseling, naltrexone, and mandatory AA meetings. However, when I had to call him tonight to ask him a question about a bill that needs to be paid, he had clearly been drinking again (and denies it of course).
The dilemma that I have is that I'm wondering if I should make his friend that's giving him a free and comfortable place to stay aware of the full extent of the situation. I don't know this friend well at all, but do know how to contact him. I'm learning all about not enabling and leaving AH to his own devices to either get sober or get sicker on his own. However, I don't think that the fact he has a nice place to stay rent-free without a responsibility in the world is helping him to reach his bottom. Instead of worrying about how to maintain his sobriety, afford a place to stay, etc. he's hanging out with his buddies and not having to face any responsibilities. I fully admit to being bitter about AH's new frat boy lifestyle while I'm holding down the fort at home, but I also have genuine concerns that the friend is unknowingly helping him to avoid facing the stark reality of his situation.
I'm sure this guy thinks he's doing the right thing, helping a friend to get back on his feet after he's been "thrown out" by his shrewish wife, but I feel like it's only giving AH the opportunity to stay sick without worrying about anything that's going on at home. I don't necessarily want AH to come home, because he's not welcome back here until he's fully committed to recovery, but at the same time I don't think staying rent-free with a buddy is helping him face the reality of his illness. So my question is am I crossing the line towards getting overly involved by talking to AH's friend about my concern, or am I justified in thinking that it might be helpful for him to know. AH still manages to appear fully functional to those who don't know him very well, and I doubt very much his friend has any idea just how bad things really are. I'm still learning my boundaries here, and it's hard to figure out the right thing to do in situations like these, so I'd appreciate any feedback you may have for me.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
IMHO, you are overstepping your bounds by confronting the buddy. What good will it do? If AH acting like a drunken jerk, it will be apparent to your AH's friend right away. But, the fact is, the friend might even see drunken antics as funny for a while. It all has to unfold in its own time. His buddy is NOT going to see your AH the same way you do, so you'll be wasting your breath.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Its so tempting isnt it, to imagine yourself telling his friends, family etc why it is you left or threw him out as you know your Alcoholic is telling a completely different version of events, the one where he gets to keep his dignity, and I agree with the others, but you have to take the high road on this one.
They wont even admit to themselves that they are Alcoholics so why are they going to confess to someone they consider a friend, that they are alcoholics who arent fit enough to maintain a marriage. Of course they are going to blame shift and say they left a nagging wife. Allow him to find his own path to recovery. He may well outstay his welcome with this friend and do something outragious and will have to face up to the embarassment of loosing another friendship - who knows, but mind your own business as they say at Al-anon. I know its tough but I say this to myself often these days.
They wont even admit to themselves that they are Alcoholics so why are they going to confess to someone they consider a friend, that they are alcoholics who arent fit enough to maintain a marriage. Of course they are going to blame shift and say they left a nagging wife. Allow him to find his own path to recovery. He may well outstay his welcome with this friend and do something outragious and will have to face up to the embarassment of loosing another friendship - who knows, but mind your own business as they say at Al-anon. I know its tough but I say this to myself often these days.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
I agree with the other responses you have received. IMO you will just be opening up yourself for even more heartache. Doesn't seem like much justice is going on here but you never can tell. Things play out in mysterious ways sometimes. Focus on you as much as you can - take care of yourself and more will be revealed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 35
Well of course these are the answers I didn't want to hear, but I will go with the concensus on this one.
It's seems so unfair that AH gets to live without a care in the world while I'm here picking up the pieces, and I guess it's just very tempting to try to recruit allies in this battle. But I know in the end his sickness will reveal itself to everyone around him and he'll eventually run out of options as he wears out his welcome with friends. I'll try to let go of this one and stop trying to force his hand.
Thank you so much for your responses. I'm so grateful for having found this board.
It's seems so unfair that AH gets to live without a care in the world while I'm here picking up the pieces, and I guess it's just very tempting to try to recruit allies in this battle. But I know in the end his sickness will reveal itself to everyone around him and he'll eventually run out of options as he wears out his welcome with friends. I'll try to let go of this one and stop trying to force his hand.
Thank you so much for your responses. I'm so grateful for having found this board.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: New England, U.S.
Posts: 169
i just want to add that what appears to you to be living a life free of responsibility is really living consumed with demons that we should never have to experience, IMHO. i see that if i take the time to make healthy, positive choices for myself then i am far better off, even when i am responsible for everything myself, then being the person who is addicted to alcohol and has no free will. It is best to let him burn his own bridges and cause his own trouble......then you can not be held responsible.you have enough to deal with and you are the one that has the freedom to deal with it. You, really are the lucky one. i hope you can see that! good luck. i've walked that path too...and it has taken me this long to see those things..i finally woke up! I AM the lucky one! my AH is still consumed with addiction, i pity him.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Heck no, he shouldn't be living scot-free.
Begin the process to get child support and maintenance monies.
He does have responsibilities and those things ARE your business.
How he goes about screwing up his life and friendships with drinking buddies are not.
Begin the process to get child support and maintenance monies.
He does have responsibilities and those things ARE your business.
How he goes about screwing up his life and friendships with drinking buddies are not.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by Live 
Heck no, he shouldn't be living scot-free.
Begin the process to get child support and maintenance monies.
He does have responsibilities and those things ARE your business.
How he goes about screwing up his life and friendships with drinking buddies are not.
Begin the process to get child support and maintenance monies.
He does have responsibilities and those things ARE your business.
How he goes about screwing up his life and friendships with drinking buddies are not.
I honestly don't care that he's going to screw up his relationships with his friends, I actually hope that it happens now because each time someone else gets wise to him it's one less person he can lean on for sympathy. But I'm terrified that he's going to get a DUI, lose his job, or even kill someone while he's out there driving around, and all those things definitely are my business because we can lose our retirement pension, our medical insurance, our house, etc. because of his actions.
I'm still not at the stage where I'm ready to serve the divorce papers, although I hope I can get there soon if necessary. But in the meantime it's so hard to define the line between interfering with his recovery and protecting my own self-interest.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,866
I would suggest that you open a bank account in your own name if you don't have one already. Then, when he deposits his check, immediately take out enough money to pay the bills and put it into your own account from which you will write the checks.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: New England, U.S.
Posts: 169
you may want to talk to a lawyer to see how you can take action so you are not liable if he does do some of those things you mentioned. I am doing the same. if he looses the house or gets into trouble drunk behind the wheel, i do not want to be liable for those consequences. I'm not in a rush to divorce, just because i'm not in a rush to get married and i have time, but i am in a rush to stay safe and not be a victim of his actions anymore. you can do that too. many lawyers will give a free consultation and help you figure that out, protect yourself! you don't have to worry and there is action you can take without divorcing right away. baby steps, because you are worth it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I agree...the sooner he screws up the friends the better, but that is totally out of your control.
The whole situation stinks, doesn't it?
The prospect of losing everything you've worked for and planned?
Do whatever you can to protect your self.
One thing we can promise you is that alcoholism/addiction is a progressive disease and it always gets worse.
There's only one cure and we don't get to have any say in that.
The whole situation stinks, doesn't it?
The prospect of losing everything you've worked for and planned?
Do whatever you can to protect your self.
One thing we can promise you is that alcoholism/addiction is a progressive disease and it always gets worse.
There's only one cure and we don't get to have any say in that.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Whenever I get THAT urge to do something in relation to my alcoholic bros, or clarify something they have said or done to another person, I have found it is best to do nothing! I now choose to step back and choose to stop obsessing.
Deep breathe and try to let it go.
:codiepolice
I couldn't agree more with misphit - while it is tru we each carry a heavy load in this life - I would never want the burden of addiction to be my lot. Yuk. I definitely hit a wall w/ my resentments towards my exH - since I was doing everything and he just got to go about doing his own thing - I finally just thanked God that I have the strength, the mental capacity, the will, and the energy to handle responsibility - because otherwise my kids would have been up the creek w/o a paddle!
Does not mean it wasn't really really hard and that I could have and should have been asking for and accepting help from the rest of the world! I mean there is no benefit in being a martyr.
Gratitude lists help me eliminate resentments.
Peace-
B
Deep breathe and try to let it go.
:codiepolice
I couldn't agree more with misphit - while it is tru we each carry a heavy load in this life - I would never want the burden of addiction to be my lot. Yuk. I definitely hit a wall w/ my resentments towards my exH - since I was doing everything and he just got to go about doing his own thing - I finally just thanked God that I have the strength, the mental capacity, the will, and the energy to handle responsibility - because otherwise my kids would have been up the creek w/o a paddle!
Does not mean it wasn't really really hard and that I could have and should have been asking for and accepting help from the rest of the world! I mean there is no benefit in being a martyr.
Gratitude lists help me eliminate resentments.
Peace-
B
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