thank you all for you replies. It is a great "push" for me to come back after packing stuff and seeing the responses to gain more energy and do it again. Alanon gave me a bit of a shove, though i've not been able to attend F2F meetings in this area, certain parts of it have helped me to take responsibility without taking blame or feeling bad about my part. afterall "i've done the best i can with what i have" the rest has come from being sick and tired of being sick AND tired and also, my very recent 55th birthday has been a rude awakening along with some events that transpired around an alcoholic binge that lasted for days and days and ME finally seeing that i was "that woman" who's heart kept being broken because she thought she was getting through to someone only to find she was lying to herself!! I was her....the 55 year old woman who was trying to stay married to someone she couldn't trust and didn't trust HERSELF enough to take proper care of herself because she deserved it. Well, i'm not her now, i feel empowered and strong and i can't wait to get the F**** outa here, while i still have my health, sense of humor and I am taking care of myself.....I know i deserve better, finally and i'm going to get it and show myself that I am worth it. I am going home....and it is where i belonged all along, but.....i didn't trust me!
I pity my AH because he can never know the pain, and thus never know the happiness....they go togther, hand in hand and though i feel very raw and frightened, i am so excited. I have some terrible jobs to finish up here, like putting down a couple of old cats that cannot make the trip and cannot be left here and have no place to go because they are ferals that i have cared for for the past 8 years and they are my responsibility. it breaks my heart, but i know it is the best for them and when i think about it, I HATE that alcoholic for forcing me into these choices, but i am also angry at myself for being so blind and pretending that everything was okay, and taking on more responsibility than i should have to avoid really seeing my life. I could go on, but i know you all know the story....i thank you for being here and allowing me to unload my thoughts on these pages and responding which is giving me energy and power over myself!!! you have no idea how much i appreciate you all being out there....then again, maybe you do.....sending wishes for strength to all!!! and most of all, peace!