From the alcoholic view i see:
"He told me he was ashamed of himself and that this was nothing to do with me and that he didn't want to embarrass or hurt me anymore." The martyr! He will make this "huge" sacrifice for you but not give up the drink...
"A few weeks later he takes our sons out for drinks and tells them i want him to quit drinking but that our relationship had problems and that I needed to change as well." Lets shift the focus and blame on you......
"He said he drank because he didn't want to come home at night."
Same thing, Blame on someone else..
"He said he was too busy that week. Next conversation was him asking me what we were going to do about money." He will avoid anything to deal with real life and what he is trying to drink away, but his addiction will force him to make sure he is solvent enough to continue to drink.
"I confronted him and he said he had met someone but nothing had happened before." Whew You gave him ammunition and opened yourself up to jealousy and he even gave you a sense of urgency, as in nothing has happened...yet.
"He then said for the past two years he had wished I would have met someone and left him???" Lol ready made pity party right there and what do us alcoholics do when we feel sorry for ourselves? Also then its all your fault because you become the bad guy.
" you have no idea how many times in the past 2 years that I have wished you would die in a car accident." Straight hurt you words since nothing else worked..
You are an incredibly strong lady to stand up through all that! I am telling you what I see as an alcoholic who did the same thing as him. You hang tight here with our friends and family members and they will give you as lot of true wisdom. take car of your children and you and don't let him wage this emotional war on you..