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My AH says he has moved on

Old 09-19-2010, 08:49 PM
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My AH says he has moved on

Hi everyone
This is my first post and I hope I don't ramble too much. I have been married for 25 years (well almost) and 2 months ago I drew my line in the sand and and told me AH that I was leaving. He told me he didn't recall the previous evening and I did not bother giving him specifics. I have been unhappy for the past couple of years and have been distancing myself bit by bit. I am quite independent and outgoing and luckily he hasn't destroyed my self esteem too much.
So he goes camping without me and never comes home. I got a call about a week later from him asking if he could get his stuff. He told me he was ashamed of himself and that this was nothing to do with me and that he didn't want to embarrass or hurt me anymore. He came and I told him I loved him and would do whatever I could to help him but that I would not live like this any longer. He said thanks and would call. A few weeks later he takes our sons out for drinks and tells them i want him to quit drinking but that our relationship had problems and that I needed to change as well.

I had to talk to him so i called him at work and then asked if he wanted to go for a coffee. He said he was too busy that week. Next conversation was him asking me what we were going to do about money. (he spent about 4000.00 in less than 2 months) I said well since we are not talking I didn't really know where his head was at. He said he drank because he didn't want to come home at night. I ended conversation.

I have been seeing a counselor and she suggested he was already involved with someone else. I confronted him and he said he had met someone but nothing had happened before. He told me I push his buttons and I make him angry and that since he had moved out he was so happy and never angry. He then said for the past two years he had wished I would have met someone and left him??? We discussed some financial matters and I asked him to leave and told him he had one week to get his stuff out. He told me he loved me but that he has moved on.

One week later he comes get his stuff and believe me I packed all his personal belongings from baby blanket to pictures of his kids and our life minus me. He had been drinking but not drunk we were civil and then as he was leaving he turned me in the calmest manner and said," you have no idea how many times in the past 2 years that I have wished you would die in a car accident. I simply turned around and now it has been two weeks and he hasn't even called his sons. Why is it so hard? I know I love him but I do not want to spend the rest of my life the way we were living. Why is he so angry at me if he has moved on and is happy?? Thanks
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Old 09-20-2010, 03:48 AM
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Hi Westbank and welcome to SR

Oh my god! I know this one all too well. Its a deep kick in the stomach isnt it. I have been there too and I know it hurts like hell, so please beleive me when I say - IT IS NOT YOU! He is blaming his alcohol on his 'awful' marriage and is in complete denial about his marriage being 'awful' because of the drinking and alcohol.

He is also trying to manipulate his sons into believing that this is more about your marriage and not his drinking. If they are anything like my daughters (19 and 22 yrs) they will have witnessed their dads behaviours first hand and both of my girls know their dad is an alcoholic. My AH bullied and verbally abused my youngest until she was unable to live at home anymore. He blames that on her, for not being clean enough, using the tumble drier and annoying him. Its the crime fitting the punishment that they just dont seem to get - its ok to verbally abuse because you are annoying! It is ok to have an affair because you have relationship problems. Its ok to say your lazy, dont wash enough and boring because you ask them to cut down their drinking (thats me). Its complete irrational and unreasonable but thats what alcoholics are sadly and no point trying to rationalise them.

I have been here before about three years ago, when my AH had an internet affair that lasted for over a year until I found out about it and called her husband. We had seperated whilst this was going on with me not knowing about it. When I did eventually find out he claimed that he was unhappy in the marriage and thats what drove him to it. I said that he had hardly been working 100% on the marriage whilst having a sordid affair with someone else. We went to marriage councelling and I got to tell him how sorry I was for my part!!! and it was all sorted out, that was before I got my wake up call that alcohol was at the root of all our problems, so I will never fall for the councelling route again.

So here we are now, my AH and I not speaking for about 2 weeks now, firstly because I had a bad day at work, told him about it and then later that evening he tried to pick a fight with me. Then he followed that by me catching him outside the house,, saying he was getting some fresh air when really he was smoking (I didnt know about him smoking) and finally finding out about his internet porn site visits. I particulary like the video entitled 'showing a teenage girl sex for the first time' when we have two daughters! Classy!

Please dont buy any of his ******** for one second. I still love my husband but I am finding out that I love myself more. This has gone way past alcoholim and has stepped into lack of respect. He has lack of respect for himself, for you, for your marriage and for your children and personally for me - I now have no respect for my AH. Please find your mojo, be kind to yourself and start telling yourself that your better off without him - a LOT better off without him.

I know its not easy, I have been with my AH since I was 15 yrs old and I am 45 yrs in a couple of weeks time. Life is too short though and noone can ever say I havent tried hard enough - I know I have put up with too much selfish behaviour to last me a lifetime and many of my friends say to me that I deserve some happiness in my old age. If I can do it, so can you.

Glad you found us, keep posting and reading, things will get better for you.
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Old 09-20-2010, 04:02 AM
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Hello Westbank. Welcome to our family.

A few weeks later he takes our sons out for drinks and tells them i want him to quit drinking but that our relationship had problems and that I needed to change as well.
This is exactly what happened in my marriage when my AH started his affair.
I had been telling him to stop drinking or it was over.
He went out and found someone to drink with him.
Fortunatly, for me, I busted him and knew right away what he was doing. I didn't have to weed through his lies and blameshifting. It was brutal though. I through his stuff in the front yard, called the police screaming. It was ugly.

When my AH started his affair, he shifted the "power" to himself because I was so devestated that I would have done anything to keep him, after knowing for years that he wasn't going to stop drinking and I didn't want him anymore.

It's the most selfish trick he's ever played. That was 2.5 years ago.

I"m glad you threw him and his stuff out. What a pig, telling you that he'd wished you dead. He's lucky he didn't get a skillet to his head.

He's not your friend right now. Not even your husband. He may look like the man you married, but he's like a zombie version and believe me, he'll come back the minute you gain some self respect and look like you're moving on and want you back.


Here, you'll find tons of support and answers to the "how do I get this pain to stop?" question. The community greeters will be along soon, they've always got tons of helpful suggestions.

I"d also suggest going here
SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity
to discuss the cheating. But I come here exclusively for the alcoholism support and my own codependence support. This place has saved me life.

I"m glad you're here, but sorry to hear about the betrayal your husband has handed you.

The good news is, when my AH did this, it launched me onto am escalated path of self discovery and healing. Today I'm happier and healthier than I have ever been, really.
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Old 09-20-2010, 04:21 AM
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Quote: (( Why is he so angry at me if he has moved on and is happy?

Good question, and the answer is simple.

He is not really happy. He is just as much in denial as he ever has been.
As for his moving on,......no my dear, he hasn't moved on, just tried to run from his drinking demons and knows he can't outrun them.

Of course your marriage had problems, and is that a surprise with his drinking and the "lady friend" he had?

He said he drank because he didn't want to come home......take that to really mean that "he didn't come home because he wanted to drink.

A happy, "moved on" man, doesn't throw up rubbish like his comment about him having wanted you to die in a car accident.

You are wise to not want to waste your life and that of your children, living with a man who is so entrapped by the drink, and lives in his own world of fantasy.

I am sure your sons knows what is true, and as he progresses along his miserable chosen path, they will see him and his denial for what it is.

Keep strong, after all, the man you loved is not the man who just left, that lovable man had already left and his shell remained. Painful to know and it does so hurt, but it does ease with time, as I learned many years ago.

God bless
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Old 09-20-2010, 04:32 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

When I seperated from my AH (alcoholic husband), I thought I would hear from him. I heard silence. He was finally able to do what he always wanted to do without interference: drink.

It was hard, but I was finally able to do what I needed to do: focus on myself and my recovery; and focus on making a better home for my children without the drama of active alcoholism.

It was hard, but I have found wonderful support and wisdom here at at Alanon meetings. They have kept me sane.

Your AH is trying to blame-shift. He is dumping all the blame onto you (trying anyway). He is trying to blame you for his drinking too. You don't own any of that. His drinking = His responsibility = His consequences.

The three C's helped me remember that:
I did not cause it
I could not control it
I will not cure it

I took steps to protect myself financially and legally from my AH's active drinking. Seperate accounts with blocks on my accounts (could only be accessed in person by showing ID), and consulting with an attorney.

Please continue to reach out for support. We care about you!
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Old 09-20-2010, 06:54 AM
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Thanks for all the comments and support. The one thing I feel I am doing right is the no contact...I have only seen him briefly 3x and 2phone calls since July 10th. Oh and now another kick in the teeth...myself along with three other were fired yesterday from the pub we work at....We were replaced my 6 girls around the age of 19... Yikes when it rains it rains....
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Old 09-20-2010, 08:44 AM
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Hi westbank. I hope you find another job soon-preferably far away from pubs and drunks.

My life is easier since I choose healthier places to go to - I can't stand drunks anymore, they just trigger the madness of knowing one.

Most people (and active alcoholics in particular, from what I have lived and read here) have a long way to go before the words match the actions...

An ex that got someone else right away told me he would not make the same mistakes he did with me, with her. I of course believed him and felt crushed.

2 years later he drinks as usual or more. What he was really saying was "I won't make the mistake of dating a non drinker" and that's fine. One can drink and have sex when they are miserable. But is that really happiness?

Once one gives them a harder, colder look, addiction can't hide its ugly face.

Letting go is very difficult but Jadmack is right, the lovable person has been long gone - that is painful but its true - sometimes I believe "the good one is back just with someone else" that is a lie that has hurt me over and over.

Its just the shell really and God/HP gives us another chance for a life free of addiction...
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Old 09-20-2010, 08:49 AM
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I was thinking you four should open your own business. Maybe apply for a loan to open a job placement facility to help women get jobs?

Or open a new bar across the street called "Hell Has No Fury" that undercuts the old bosses prices.
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Old 09-20-2010, 09:22 AM
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What a scumbag. You know, I don't care what it is you have going on in your head, there is no reason at all to ever let voice to thoughts like that to anyone. Only a selfish child would do such a thing.
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Old 09-20-2010, 10:05 AM
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You should file a complaint with the EEOC against your old employer for discrimination. Maybe even talk to a lawyer about suing.

About your husband, I agree that he's blameshifting and rewriting the history of the marriage so that it's your fault.

GOOD FOR YOU for going no contact. You're doing a million times better than I was at that point.
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Old 09-20-2010, 01:42 PM
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hi Westbank and WELCOME to SR! This is a wonderful place to find support (and some off colour humour sometimes...). I hope you keep coming back.

Having read this thread and your posts, I have to say that though the job loss sucks balls, perhaps it's HP (or "God" or "the universe") giving you an opportunity to change your life radically. You've already shed that dead weight of a husband and now you can focus on finding a healthy workplace.

Also, I'd venture to say that your STBXAH (soon to be alcoholic ex husband) isn't as "happy" as he says. He may feel liberated from the person he thinks is "bringing him down", but I think it won't be long before he's unhappy again and blaming someone else for his troubles.
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Old 09-20-2010, 02:18 PM
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I should clarify my job at the pub is part time (but huge money) and my occupation is a teacher's aide dealing with behaviourally challenged kids. I love it, actually i love both my jobs as I am a people person. I just keep over analyzing and have trouble staying angry at him ( because that's what everyone tells me I have to do) to get over him. But he has never been physically abusive and this recent behaviour is no something I have ever experienced from him.. Does he feel guilty because he has moved on and wants me to hate him??? Or is he just selfish like most alcoholics seem to be. It's so hard when your heart and intelligence aren't on the same page. But one thing I have lots of is pride and he must find it weird that I who always fixes things have totally left him alone. Would be nice though to have coherent thoughts all day long not just s5 mins. at at time.. Do peope here ever get tired of hearing the same thing from the same person??? I know I need to talk alot.. ( I actually have always been a talker..) Many thanks for all your insights. Cheers
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Old 09-20-2010, 03:40 PM
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I had the same trouble, staying mad. And remembering the bad rather than only the good. Maybe that's what codie I have in me, the icing of the turds so to speak. The adding glitter to the pile of crap. The rose colored glasses when the room is dark.

westbank - give it time. With time away from his insanity, you'll soon see things a whole lot clearer than you do now. I promise.
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Old 09-20-2010, 04:11 PM
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From the alcoholic view i see:
"He told me he was ashamed of himself and that this was nothing to do with me and that he didn't want to embarrass or hurt me anymore." The martyr! He will make this "huge" sacrifice for you but not give up the drink...

"A few weeks later he takes our sons out for drinks and tells them i want him to quit drinking but that our relationship had problems and that I needed to change as well." Lets shift the focus and blame on you......
"He said he drank because he didn't want to come home at night."

Same thing, Blame on someone else..

"He said he was too busy that week. Next conversation was him asking me what we were going to do about money." He will avoid anything to deal with real life and what he is trying to drink away, but his addiction will force him to make sure he is solvent enough to continue to drink.

"I confronted him and he said he had met someone but nothing had happened before." Whew You gave him ammunition and opened yourself up to jealousy and he even gave you a sense of urgency, as in nothing has happened...yet.

"He then said for the past two years he had wished I would have met someone and left him???" Lol ready made pity party right there and what do us alcoholics do when we feel sorry for ourselves? Also then its all your fault because you become the bad guy.

" you have no idea how many times in the past 2 years that I have wished you would die in a car accident." Straight hurt you words since nothing else worked..

You are an incredibly strong lady to stand up through all that! I am telling you what I see as an alcoholic who did the same thing as him. You hang tight here with our friends and family members and they will give you as lot of true wisdom. take car of your children and you and don't let him wage this emotional war on you..
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Old 09-20-2010, 04:33 PM
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Cool

Many years ago, a very wise person told me...."Just because 'everybody' says something is 'so' doesn't necessarily make it so; it could just be that all the fools are on the same side."

You wrote, "...I just...have trouble staying angry at him (because that's what everyone tells me I have to do) to get over him..."

This could be a perfect example of what that very wise man said. Just because 'everyone' tells you that you have to be angry with him to get over him, does NOT make it true. I've usually found that when using this method, then when 'over' the other person, I then need to get over the anger.....

I'll just be the minority opinion (perhaps a voice of reason...?) here and tell you that one does NOT need to be angry with another in order to get over them.........honest.


(o:
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Old 09-20-2010, 04:46 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
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Run

as fast as you can away from this mad and don't look back.
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Old 09-20-2010, 10:10 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
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Thanks so much for your perspective...I needed that.
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Old 09-21-2010, 07:32 PM
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Hello, Westbank, and welcome to S/R !

This is a terrific forum, full of wisdom, experience, and also advice. Just remember, you always get to take what pieces you like, and just shrug off what you do not.

It is a process, for sure. Growth happens when we want it, and even when we don't.

Peace be with you....
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Old 09-21-2010, 08:14 PM
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Westbank: Hugs to you. So sorry you are in this position. My divorce from AH was final about a month ago and these 2 winners must be identical twins. Please know that you deserve to be treated wonderfully, even if it is how you treat yourself. He knows that you know his demons, and it's getting more difficult for him to deny them with you around. Ditto on having a girlfriend while pretending to work on the marriage. Ditto he drinks because he doesn't want to come home to you. This twin of my XAH has to put it on everyone else...otherwise he might have to look in the mirror, and that is just too painful.

Please take care of you and know that anger is not required for YOU to move on. Mine has turned to pity. It feels so good to get out from under the drinking and the blaming. And although your head knows what your heart isn't ready to hear yet, it will catch up.

Treat yourself as you deserve, as a precious child of your HP, and know that this is not your fault and is certainly not within your control.

Blessings.
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