"i know i cant fix him, but i want him to think about it. if he is not an alcoholic, i want him to be afraid to be one."
I know that sometimes I do not express myself right. What I was saying to my son is " I do not want you to die from alcoholism". it had to be said. I want him to know how afraid I am. Not cause I think I am so smart, but because I love him no end, and would give my life for him. I told him of the things i have learned about alcoholism- the details about the disease, the destruction, the process that happens. I have always been close to my children- it was me and them, and I raised them on my own. I tell them whatever I feel, and they do the same with me.
I just want him to know the terrible scary things i have learned here. i think that sometimes , we learn from others, and their words. not usually, not much , and probably not alcoholics, but I had to try.and had to tell him that I do not want to lose my only son to the monster of alcohol. i already lost my mother and my dad to this poison. and for what? what did they get out of it? i know now that they felt so miserable and sick much of the time. before i came here, i had limited information of what it really does to you, and how you really feel. the progression.
even if it is useless, i had to tell him how i fear for him. why not? he should know how dangerous it is. someday, maybe he will think, when he has a bad morning, and cant understand why he feels so ill after his night of drinking, he may think, and wonder, if he is being killed by his addiction.
a few things.
i have never seen him drink vanilla. he threatened to , because he was so stressed, and i would not let him have any beer here. he did not do it, that i am aware of.
another thing.
I would let him go , right now. but when oct 1st comes around, he will fight leaving. he will have to be peeled out of here, and i will need assistance getting him out. he has no respect for me, and if i said leave now, he would just laugh in derision, and say "right. another bad day at work ,and making me your whipping boy again. he is choosing to see it the way he wants to .
he has not been drinking here. no job, no money.
and yes, what he does is not enough. he cannot be trying as much as he should when i come home and he is napping until evening. he calls places. that is his method. he will say he will walk down to a place, then changes his mind, and calls. to me, he should be out walking most of the day.
i told him last night that he was the one of three children that we came to the rescue for. we bought his first car- the girls bought theirs. they worked jobs, and did not take off days, he says that everyone does it and he gets fired.
my son has something going on, and I cannot do any more to help. he has to want help.
i do not mean to push codie buttons here.
I feel like some of you think that i hang onto him, and wont let go.
I am trying to figure out how the heck to make him leave!
Thanks to you all for your support. I will re-read these comments. I was dreading coming home and reading them . afraid that i was going to get all kinds of chastising for being so out of control.
we were out of instant ice tea mix. he drinks it constantly.
I think in the uk, tea is an afternoon snack?
I do not wait on him, that is for sure.
no laundry service, he does dishes, and cleans.
i shop, for i have the car.
I feel nuts today
gonna try to get myself back , into peace. boy, it seems harder and harder, for some reason. i am not doing something right here.
It's ok. thanks for being here. sorry if i am making someone crazy with my choices, but i am doing all that my mom heart can do here. i love him, and want him to have a real life, or just get out and work at making one. i dont want to choose for him, just want him to be out doing his own thing, and to be alive.
hugs
chicory