Hugs, Chicory,
Of course we've all said horrible things in anger. It doesn't make us horrible people, but it inflicts at least as much pain on us as it does on the target (who usually uses it as an excuse to do what they wanted to do anyway).
Incidentally, I've never heard of anyone not an alcoholic drinking vanilla extract.
Don't allow him to guilt-trip you. If he accuses you of making him a scapegoat for your problems, just smile and say, hm, interesting thought, I'll have to think about that when you're out on your own. They say things like that because it will hit a nerve because there's usually a tiny grain of truth in it. The problem with the logic is that even if you ARE using him as a "scapegoat" that is completely irrelevant to YOUR point, which is that he has to get out on his own.
I say there's a tiny grain of truth in it (or maybe even not-so-tiny) because just as we alcoholics still have problems because of our own selves even after the alcohol is removed from our lives, so too we Al-Anons still have ourselves to deal with even after the alcoholic is out of the house, or even our lives. We get so used to focusing on THE problem (as we perceive it) that when it is gone and things are still messed up in our heads we realize there's more going on with us than just THE problem.
Still, once THE problem is gone, it makes it easier to address the other stuff because it isn't masked any longer.
Hang in there.