it is hard to take responsibility for that, but i know that i did the best i could with what i had at the time, as did you! and hopefully it has been for a reason, that is yet to show itself. thanks for sharing, it makes a huge difference to know i'm not alone. sometimes i feel so ashamed, even though i know i've grown so much in all this time, I often think i should have done better, known better, been better....but then i have to ask myself why i think that? because i never knew better, but I DO NOW!! so i'm fortunate i have been able to learn and the fact that my kids want me back with them is heartwarming, they could be so angry with me and they are not. I'm angry enough for all of us. i've learned a very large lesson. My AH has no idea how cruel he has been, so it was a rude awakening to him when i told him yesterday, calmly and gently that i needed to go home because i've allowed him to be an obstacle between my kids and me and I needed to be where i was loved by people who could show it. He hit the roof and i have to say, i found some satisfaction in that...because i was calm as a cuke....and it is okay because i know it is my truth, even if it isn't his. Stay strong and be kind to yourself. we have to do that, afterall, look how much we gave to the AHs, i think we deserve that kindness for ourselves....that is what keeps me going right now.