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finally waking up!

Old 09-18-2010, 08:08 AM
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finally waking up!

Hello everyone,
I have been lurking around here from time to time and finally posting because i have had my "awakening". it has taken me longer than most because of many reasons, mostly to do with my own self vision and thoughts that i had to take the best care of my AH husband as i could and not have regrets when i was ready to walk away. Well, I am ready. I have grown up after 20 years of history with an alcoholic husband and the realization that i deserve better, finally. I am scared and nervous, but excited and relieved at the same time. It has been a long time coming and rather than walking on eggshells, i'm speaking my mind, not mean, just real. I have allowed him to be an obstacle between my children and myself *second marriage* my fault, but he saw this as me blaming him......afterall, i was always afraid of him becoming angry or cruel to my kids so i avoided being with them while with him. my fault, i take responsibility and he can blame me, that's fine. I digress...sorry, there is so much rolling around in my head.
I currently live in a different state than my kids and they are grown and i want to "go home". I am excited and it can't come fast enough. My AH is a binge drinker so i've been riding this roller coaster with hopes it would end (my bad) for all these years because i wanted to believe him when he said he wanted to quit. i realize now that i should have done what was best for me, not him, but i thought he deserved chances....even at my expense.
I know many of you know where i'm coming from. I realize i deserve better and it is difficult to be packing and preparing to leave, with him knowing it and being kind then mean, drunk then sober...i can't wait to be out of here. the good side is that he works out of town for half the month and i could the days until he leaves and shudder for the coming days when he is home, like now. I am posting to thank you for being out there and supporting those of us who wake up after so long. I wish i learned this lesson earlier, because my age makes me a little scared about finding work, etc. I have been out of the job market for a while and allowed myself to be the "mommy" and home caretaker......i could kick myself for that, but....i guess things happen for a reason and i will find my way. I am worried about the house and not getting my half, as he says he wants to keep it.....when i said i wanted to talk to a lawyer, he went crazy, but i think it is the right thing to do...anyway...sorry to be so long winded, it sure does feel good for this old lady to unload this mess.....i'm looking forward to the freedom and ability to not walk on eggshells anymore. i also think the younger people should be very proud of the fact that they are waking up so much earlier than me!!! 20 years! what was i thinking??
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:15 AM
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Miss, you are brave, you are strong. And it dose not matter when you wake up as long as you do.
Good morning, welcome to the life you were meant to lead. Go home, go to your children. I am very excited for you. Your life begins TODAY!
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:26 AM
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thank you so much for your reply! i wish i was gone yesterday. i have so much to do, because as usual, i am left to clean up the mess, but i feel i have to deal with the responsibilities i've taken on. It can't come soon enough. you have brought tears to my eyes and i know i need to be able to keep my focus. My kids and even my parents are very supportive and i am so grateful for that.
I feel very alone right now, because i am out of state and there is no Alanon available to me here so i don't have anyone in real life as I go around packing my things and trying to find homes for a few pets that i will not be able to bring....i've had to choose who i can keep and who must go and it has been tough, but it is another thing that has kept me trapped, my doing, of course....i see my part very clearly, and so i must clean it up and free myself in a responsible fashion, because i am strong and I know i've been working toward this for some time....as i got healthier and healthier with myself, in spite of the AH's games. i was never a fan of roller coaster rides, but just never knew how to really get off, until now!! thank you!!
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:34 AM
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I have allowed him to be an obstacle between my children and myself *second marriage* my fault, but he saw this as me blaming him......afterall, i was always afraid of him becoming angry or cruel to my kids so i avoided being with them while with him.
Yes, I did this also.

Mine was cruel to her, and he manipulated her, and mentally abused her. I regret that I put her in that situation. I hope that my leaving him was a good lesson for her, that it's not okay to be abused in that way.
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:37 AM
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Welcome to the SR family Missphit!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. Pleased to *meet* you!

Be gentle with yourself, and stop beating yourself up for not making changes sooner. We make the changes when the time is right. Even the non-addict has to reach a bottom before they can begin the climb up.

I am excited for you, and dreading for you at the same time. Excited about the endless possibilities your future and your HP have in store for you. Dreading because I packed up and moved away from my home and A, so I understand all the steps you are having to take before you can actually leave. Sending you cyber (((hugs))) and prayers for peace.

I was out of the job market for 12 years. I'm no spring chicken! I started with a part-time job, added another part-time job, switched one part-time job for another, went full time at one job, eventually quit the other part-time job (you still with me?), etc.....I am currently working a full time job with great healthcare benefits. I am also enrolling in college and hope to begin online classes this fall.

It didn't happen overnight, but the positive changes came gradually - as needed. I kept putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next right thing.

One day at a time.
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:42 AM
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it is hard to take responsibility for that, but i know that i did the best i could with what i had at the time, as did you! and hopefully it has been for a reason, that is yet to show itself. thanks for sharing, it makes a huge difference to know i'm not alone. sometimes i feel so ashamed, even though i know i've grown so much in all this time, I often think i should have done better, known better, been better....but then i have to ask myself why i think that? because i never knew better, but I DO NOW!! so i'm fortunate i have been able to learn and the fact that my kids want me back with them is heartwarming, they could be so angry with me and they are not. I'm angry enough for all of us. i've learned a very large lesson. My AH has no idea how cruel he has been, so it was a rude awakening to him when i told him yesterday, calmly and gently that i needed to go home because i've allowed him to be an obstacle between my kids and me and I needed to be where i was loved by people who could show it. He hit the roof and i have to say, i found some satisfaction in that...because i was calm as a cuke....and it is okay because i know it is my truth, even if it isn't his. Stay strong and be kind to yourself. we have to do that, afterall, look how much we gave to the AHs, i think we deserve that kindness for ourselves....that is what keeps me going right now.
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:43 AM
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I am so happy and excited for you missphit!!! Some little sayings that helped me stay the course when going through major life changes like you are:
Keep your head held high.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Leap and the net will appear.
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:45 AM
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thank you, your post gives me much hope, heaven knows i am no spring chicken either, i did take a semester of classes last semester, just to prove to myself that i could do it and i got all A's, that gave me strength and added to my awakening. I figure i'll be doing the same sort of thing...sounds like quite a ride, but it will be MY RIDE and i look forward to it! i appreciate your post, more than you know, and the hugs.
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Old 09-18-2010, 09:02 AM
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Welcome and good for you! Enjoy your new life with your children and other loved ones.
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Old 09-18-2010, 09:10 AM
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i am no spring chicken
This is nothing. Age has nothing to do with your abilities and the less you think this way, the more positive things will come into your life. Keep thinking positive! Because whatever you think about most of the time, you will attract into your life. Think good thoughts!
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Old 09-18-2010, 09:27 AM
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I'm working on it!! thanks.....
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