and now about me
it was suggested my a member here for me to post about myself. so here goes. it may get long and rambling. i will try to be concise, but no promises.
part of the reason she and i fit together so well is that we both consider ourselves damaged goods. i grew up in an average blue collar home, but in a dysfuntional small family. my dad was a bit of a monster and my mom was a bit meekish. forunately they have both changed and grown into great people.
but the damage was already done. my childhood and adolescent experiences led me into a life of various addictions. i wasalways able to maintain a normal outside- went as far as grad school, have a job at a prestigious institution (that pays horribly) and seemed normal. i even raised my niece as if she were my own. the problem was i could not connect with people. so as much as i wanted a nice normal relationship, i did not feel ready for it. i think my addictions kept me at an immature level and because i am not financially stable at 43yrs old, i have not felt that i could do the family thing. sometimes with "normal" girlfriends i felt bored. other though were too out there. i needed a happy medium.
about 5 years ago, i met the girlfriend i talk about here. i knew the moment i met her she was sad deep down inside, just like me. but, although i carried that saddness, i also had lots of happiness. things didnt work out and we have been to gether on and off since. each time though, things do seem better. she has matured in many ways and has explored her past as i have mine and we seemd so good together. enter the drugs and you know the rest of the story.
for me, it seems i my have that thing where i get drawn to people who are unavailable- a result from my upbringing. i may not know how to be in a stable normal relationship, but then again i have never been normal. i used to enjoy smoking pot and painting. i dress differently, i've never been a player, etc. not to be rude or anything, but the "physical" part of our relationship is the best i have ever experienced, her too.
but, there is more than the physical, there is the emotional and spiritual connections. while we are different people, i enjoy our differences and enjopy being together with her.
so, on to a big piece of the puzzle, part of me, becasue of my pst makes me feel as though i do not deserve a healthy relationship, or i fell incapable of it. and that only stings more considering my age. part of me feels i have wasted my best years as a slave to my thoughts and addictions. wit hthis girlfriend, i was able to get past that stuff. she is the only one who knows the darkes of my secrets and did barely flinched. i guess you cannot chose who you love. with her, i feel a way i honestly have not felt about another. it's almost bizzare to me. it's like if i do not spend my life with her, i will wonder about her for the rest of my life. or, maybe i wont, but it feels that way now.
so this is where i'll end the rambling. there is probably a lot more to say, but i think this gets into the meat of some of it.