and now about me

Old 09-17-2010, 11:56 AM
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and now about me

it was suggested my a member here for me to post about myself. so here goes. it may get long and rambling. i will try to be concise, but no promises.

part of the reason she and i fit together so well is that we both consider ourselves damaged goods. i grew up in an average blue collar home, but in a dysfuntional small family. my dad was a bit of a monster and my mom was a bit meekish. forunately they have both changed and grown into great people.

but the damage was already done. my childhood and adolescent experiences led me into a life of various addictions. i wasalways able to maintain a normal outside- went as far as grad school, have a job at a prestigious institution (that pays horribly) and seemed normal. i even raised my niece as if she were my own. the problem was i could not connect with people. so as much as i wanted a nice normal relationship, i did not feel ready for it. i think my addictions kept me at an immature level and because i am not financially stable at 43yrs old, i have not felt that i could do the family thing. sometimes with "normal" girlfriends i felt bored. other though were too out there. i needed a happy medium.

about 5 years ago, i met the girlfriend i talk about here. i knew the moment i met her she was sad deep down inside, just like me. but, although i carried that saddness, i also had lots of happiness. things didnt work out and we have been to gether on and off since. each time though, things do seem better. she has matured in many ways and has explored her past as i have mine and we seemd so good together. enter the drugs and you know the rest of the story.

for me, it seems i my have that thing where i get drawn to people who are unavailable- a result from my upbringing. i may not know how to be in a stable normal relationship, but then again i have never been normal. i used to enjoy smoking pot and painting. i dress differently, i've never been a player, etc. not to be rude or anything, but the "physical" part of our relationship is the best i have ever experienced, her too.

but, there is more than the physical, there is the emotional and spiritual connections. while we are different people, i enjoy our differences and enjopy being together with her.

so, on to a big piece of the puzzle, part of me, becasue of my pst makes me feel as though i do not deserve a healthy relationship, or i fell incapable of it. and that only stings more considering my age. part of me feels i have wasted my best years as a slave to my thoughts and addictions. wit hthis girlfriend, i was able to get past that stuff. she is the only one who knows the darkes of my secrets and did barely flinched. i guess you cannot chose who you love. with her, i feel a way i honestly have not felt about another. it's almost bizzare to me. it's like if i do not spend my life with her, i will wonder about her for the rest of my life. or, maybe i wont, but it feels that way now.

so this is where i'll end the rambling. there is probably a lot more to say, but i think this gets into the meat of some of it.
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Old 09-17-2010, 12:21 PM
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Hi Steve. I'm Tormented.

I come from a dysfunctional family, too.

I think the majority of people might say the same thing, as it is the human condition. We all seem to long for a different life than what we have. Different parents, different clothes, different houses, cars.

The grass is always greener...over a septic tank.

None of us are perfect, and perfect is over rated, anyways.

What makes me different than some, is that I took from my past what I could use, lessons learned, and left behind the things that hurt, and moved on. I know...easier for some than others.

You're not alone.
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Old 09-17-2010, 03:38 PM
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Thanks for posting this, I am trying to digest it all, including your other posts.

Some of us, thrive on drama, on turmoil, it may have been learned as a child, and, if there are no steps to correct the behavior, it thrives.

I'll probably post more later...for now, I ask:

Define Normal?
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Old 09-17-2010, 04:29 PM
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Steve I believe to some degree we all came from what are now called dysfunctional families.

I took mine into the throes of alcoholism and drug addiction and died in the process of getting sober and clean. However, ......................................... what was and is the most beneficial to me (and it all started 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday, so no reason why you cannot also do this) is THE TWELVE STEPS.

They are in both Al-Anon and AA and NA. First I WORKED those steps with A SPONSOR who had also worked those steps. Then I started to learn how to LIVE THOSE STEPS with the help of the SAME SPONSOR that was also living those steps.

I live those steps today and have for many years now.

They are a WONDERFUL way to clean out THE WRECKAGE OF OUR PASTS and move on to a SATISFYING, FULFILLING LIFE.

Sounds to me like you are ready for Al-Anon.

Thank you for starting this thread. Hopefully, you will be able to stay on YOU!

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-17-2010, 11:00 PM
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(((Steve))) - I actually grew up in, what I consider, a normal family. I think I was BORN a codie. My first relationship (20+ years) firmly cemented even more codie issues. After 2 MORE XABF's, I've decided to take a break. I'm working on learning to love myself, to believe that I deserve a partner who ENHANCES my life....not one who drains me dry.

I don't feel I'm quite there, yet, despite working on this for 3-1/2 years, but I'm working on it. To be honest, I don't really have time for a relationship with 2-3 jobs and about to enter school. I still seem to attract the "bad boys", so I know there is still some work to be done.

When we feel good about ourselves, we attract people who value that. I'm not saying it's going to take YOU as long as it's taken me, and I wish I had the money for a counselor, as I think that would help a lot.

I can only attest to the fact that when we don't love ourselves, really, really love ourselves, and feel confident, we continue to attract "wounded souls".

You've dabbled in addiction, and that's not good. I did the same, then became a full-blown crackhead, all because of a relationship I was in, and feeling horrible about myself.

I really think you could benefit from counseling, al-anon, or even EAP if your company offers it. We keep telling you the same stuff, over and over, but it just doesn't seem to be "clicking" with you. I'm not saying you're beyond help, I'm just recommending you get some f2f help. You don't have to go through life feeling the way you do. Too many people, here, have been where you are and are now leading very happy lives. It's there for you, too, but you've got to take the steps to get there.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 09-18-2010, 04:33 AM
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Steve
I think most people have some element of damaging circumstances in their past. We can't change the past though and we don't have to let it define us either. That's one thing that is so wonderful in this life......we can change ourselves.......we can impact our present and future.

If you have insurance and it covers counselling, have you considered going to see a therapist? I see a therapist to help me wrestle with my issues. My therapist helps me realign my thinking and it helps to keep me grounded. Just a thought......

We all deserve (this includes you) to be in a healthy relationship.

gentle hugs
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