well my meeting consisted of me getting about halfway down the steps and turning back around because I got this overwhelming feeling of guilt for being there. I was genuinely excited about it all day, but when the time came to do it I was just ashamed (not about the meeting itself) but about all the hurtful and terrible things I did towards people in my latest episode and I didn't want to talk/or listen to this type of stuff because I didn't want to get emotional in my first meeting and be the guy that cried his first day. I think my new plan is to wait for some of this fresh guilt to subside so I can actually get something out of the meetings rather than dwell on what I have done.
The thing is I have a friend that is a professional addiction specialist and I have had some lengthy conversations with her. She basically told me that I figured out why I drink, I figured out what triggers my relapses, and told me that AA is exactly the thing that I need because the people in my life are pretty much all addicts that not only do not support my numerous attempts at sobriety, they actually make fun of me for it. Yet this is the same group of people that gets mad at me for how I act when I drink, yet they call me every name in the book when I do not join them. I am sure many of you have been in this position, but I am having so many mixed emotions and internal struggles with all of this. I have recognized that not only am I an addict (which 99 pct of my "friends" have admitted themselves and laugh about) but I have admitted that it has ruined good things in my life and continue to ruin even more if I dont stop. The latter part is not something they have accepted.
I also realize this is about me right now, but it is so hard. To go forward with this I need to basically get new friends (other than a select few) and I have always been the person that is bored by "sober" activites. I drink mainly because I feel lonely and want to be accepted, and have not the slightest idea how to make friendships etc without having it center around some kind of substance abuse. This is just a very scary time for me. Sorry for the run on sentences etc, but I am writing this from work and do not have time to even re read it.