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Old 09-13-2010, 09:29 PM
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EntertheSticks
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hi everyone

this weekend was the latest in a long list of pathetic and humiliting behavior. I am a 25 year old male that lives in Milwaukee and i am at the point where enough is enough. I am truly a sad pathetic soul and drinking just makes it worse.

Why I decided to post here

As i said last weekend has made me feel like a pathetic human being. It all started Friday at 4PM and ended Sunday at 4am. I consumed at least 700 dollars worth of booze in that time period, and had such terrible withdrawal that i nearly had to call 911 to take me to detox. During the proccess of this weekend i managed to **** off almost every person i know and went through a catastrophic emotional breakdown . it is so bad that i literally want to leave and never return (i just started a new career though). I feel guilty and completely worthless for what i did. I took off work today because i spent all day balling and physically incapacitated. i am a miserable person and binges like this happen about 25 times a year and i decided that i NEED help.

the hard part is that i am very lonely and bars are the only place to meet people(in wisconsin). Quitting this life style means i am just going to be even lonlier and more miserable because i will have nobody left. My mom is a cocaine addict and i fdo not want to hurt my grandma by telling her how horrible and despicable my lifestyle can be. I am such a wounded soul right now, i am miserable.

but i want to find help but i just do not think i can stay sober.
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Old 09-13-2010, 09:49 PM
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Glad you found us, MG...... Alcohol made my life miserable, too, you would think we'd stop after suffering so much but we don't. Not without help and ongoing support. BUT the good news is that with the right support and recovery program, we can completely turn out lives around. You really can do this, even though right now you can't imagine a life without drinking.

You're not alone. We've all been there, too. Keep reading and posting, OK?
:ghug3
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Old 09-13-2010, 09:50 PM
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Welcome to SR.

There are several resources available to you here, so take a read and post often.

Many of us struggle, but keep working on it and let the past go till you can somehow set things right.
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Old 09-13-2010, 10:00 PM
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Hey guy and fellow Wisconsinian. Sounds like you've had enough. Have you considered face to face support such as AA? In addition to support, you may also find people to interact with socially. You can quit but it is up to you. It is not easy but you can do it.

Please consider talking to a medical professional about safely detoxing. Welcome to SR, you will find a lot of support. Keep us posted.
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Old 09-13-2010, 10:05 PM
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I can relate to the self-loathing, remorse, and feelings of humiliations. You are not alone in that department.

The only way I found to get rid of those emotions, is to stop drinking, forgive myself, and work on my sobriety among some other things.

As for meeting new people, there are plenty of other ways to meet people besides being a barfly. AA is a great fellowship, you can join a grassroot organization, join a club (***** has groups for everyone), or take on a new and sober activity.

However, first thing is first. You should probably put the plug in the jug since it sounds like it is destroying your life and yourself. Then get some help. Hang out here and maybe attend an AA meeting or SMART Recovery.
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Old 09-13-2010, 10:09 PM
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EntertheSticks
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well than you understand the cultural dynamic I am dealing with ghost. I already researched some aa programs in the area but I am not sure what to look for. thank you for kindness to all that replied. This binge was one of my small ones yet for some reason hurt more than any of my previous combined.
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Old 09-13-2010, 10:36 PM
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I too needed to find new sober friends and that is what
I did when I started AA.....

We do all sorts of interesting things ouside of meetings
and it's a sober blast. I've never been bored or lonely
wile enjoying the fellowship of other AA'ers.

Welcome to our recovery community......
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Old 09-14-2010, 04:48 AM
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Antiderivative said it best IMO.
I too can relate to self loathing, humiliation, feeling pathetic.
I also found that when I quit drinking, I got some of my self esteem back, and got rid of a lot of anxiety.
I hope you can do this for yourself. There are a ton of different recovery programs. I hope you find one that works for you.
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Old 09-14-2010, 05:02 AM
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Welcome to SR and you've made a great choice to stop! The support and resources here are incredible and it's 24/7 since we're from all over the world. I agree that starting with AA will be a good thing for you and you will meet others who you can connect with and share the same struggles. You can also find a new hobby (sober) to keep you busy.

We've all done humiliating things while drunk... makes me sick sometimes to even think about it!! But the good news is, you can recover from it all and move forward to a better, happier life!

You've taken a step towards something great and should keep moving that way, do not move backwards. YOU CAN DO IT!!

Congrats on getting sober!!
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Old 09-14-2010, 10:45 AM
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Hey milwaukee, many people have been exactly where you are not and have found a way out. Coming here is a good start anyway. You will find a lot of people, just like you, who are caring and helpful.

There are a few different support groups out there where you can find help and make new friends. For myself, I found A.A. Have not only a very good support group but have a lot of new friends who I like to be around. Not just at meetings either.

Good luck on staying sober. Keep coming.

Harry
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Old 09-14-2010, 10:51 AM
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Welcome to the family! You are not pathetic - you came here seeking help because you know you can't go on like you have been. Truly pathetic people never see the light.

I wish I could be 25 again and know what you know. I went on to try and manage my drinking. I drank for over 25 yrs. and almost destroyed myself. My life was chaos - and I wasted so much of it being numb. You have chance to turn everything around and have the beautiful life you were meant to have. Be proud of yourself for realizing that, and reaching out for help.

Knowing I wasn't alone made all the difference to me - I was welcomed here with alot of love and compassion - and in over 3 yrs. I've learned so much & grown strong with the help I've found here. We are happy to be sharing this journey with you. Let us know how you're doing.
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Old 09-14-2010, 11:02 AM
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Welcome to our recovery family! It IS possible to stop drinking and stay sober, but it often takes outside help, such as from AA (or other programs) and this site and counseling. It is also a good idea to ask for medical help in getting thru the initial detox, which can be dangerous if not just annoying and uncomfortable.

I hope it doesn't take you as long as it did me to 'get it' and finally stop drinking for good and stop trying to drink 'sensibly', which wasn't possible for me.

Read our stories and ask your questions. I hope we can be as much help to you as this site has been for me.
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Old 09-14-2010, 12:18 PM
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EntertheSticks
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thank you everyone tonight will be my first meeting I just hope it is not entirely court ordered people but people that want help. the group i found focuses on people my age and offers all sorts of non aa class sober activities in addition to meetings. the lady on the phone also said they offer sponsors. the biggest worry I have is that this proccess will make me think about drinking even more, but i am willing to do anything to break this repetitive cycle. all i know is that it cant hurt.
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Old 09-14-2010, 01:34 PM
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Welcome to SR milwaukeeguy85
I look forward to hearing about your meeting

D
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Old 09-14-2010, 03:19 PM
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welcome and i hope your meeting goes well.
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Old 09-15-2010, 09:24 AM
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EntertheSticks
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well my meeting consisted of me getting about halfway down the steps and turning back around because I got this overwhelming feeling of guilt for being there. I was genuinely excited about it all day, but when the time came to do it I was just ashamed (not about the meeting itself) but about all the hurtful and terrible things I did towards people in my latest episode and I didn't want to talk/or listen to this type of stuff because I didn't want to get emotional in my first meeting and be the guy that cried his first day. I think my new plan is to wait for some of this fresh guilt to subside so I can actually get something out of the meetings rather than dwell on what I have done.

The thing is I have a friend that is a professional addiction specialist and I have had some lengthy conversations with her. She basically told me that I figured out why I drink, I figured out what triggers my relapses, and told me that AA is exactly the thing that I need because the people in my life are pretty much all addicts that not only do not support my numerous attempts at sobriety, they actually make fun of me for it. Yet this is the same group of people that gets mad at me for how I act when I drink, yet they call me every name in the book when I do not join them. I am sure many of you have been in this position, but I am having so many mixed emotions and internal struggles with all of this. I have recognized that not only am I an addict (which 99 pct of my "friends" have admitted themselves and laugh about) but I have admitted that it has ruined good things in my life and continue to ruin even more if I dont stop. The latter part is not something they have accepted.

I also realize this is about me right now, but it is so hard. To go forward with this I need to basically get new friends (other than a select few) and I have always been the person that is bored by "sober" activites. I drink mainly because I feel lonely and want to be accepted, and have not the slightest idea how to make friendships etc without having it center around some kind of substance abuse. This is just a very scary time for me. Sorry for the run on sentences etc, but I am writing this from work and do not have time to even re read it.
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Old 09-15-2010, 10:09 AM
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Milwaukee, sorry to hear that you turned around and left before you got into the meeting. Today is a new day though, don't give up. If you can get to a meeting, try as much as possible to keep an open mind. Try to identify and relate, comparing won't help. You don't have to talk, with that you can wait until you feel comfortable.

Hope you keep posting here to let us know how you are doing.

Harry
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Old 09-15-2010, 11:34 AM
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I can't relate to your "friends", but it seems that you should distance yourself from them if they are verbally abusive and not supportive of your recovery.

However, I can relate to your description of walking around with a mixed bag of emotions along with internal struggles. I had those same experiences when I was drinking and drugging. I would wake up filled with guilt, remorse, and self-loathing and carry it around with me. I would have arguments in my head.

My feeling would be all over the place. Therefore, my thoughts would be all over the place. I would have very fractured thoughts and sometimes catch myself speaking out loud to myself. I was so self-absorbed and consumed by my thoughts and emotions.

If you try AA, you will realize that it is also a program that helps you "clean your house" (i.e. to get rid of those mixed emotions and negative thoughts). It is going to take some effort and time, but your work will be well rewarded. There is no need to carry around that sort of baggage in your life. When you are carrying around all those emotions in clogs you and fill you up, leaving no room for good emotions and positive thinking.
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Old 09-15-2010, 01:51 PM
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Hi again Milwaukee

I know one thing for sure and that's that inaction keeps us where we are.
I have 20 years of experience there.

Whatever you do - do something

D
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Old 09-15-2010, 03:32 PM
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EntertheSticks
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anti derivative-

You hit the nail on the head as to what a day in my life usually consists of. Especially since i spend a majority of my working day by myself I tend to ruminate and do have conversations with myself. I am glad AA helped you with that because I can see you as an example of somebody who overcame that same stuff. It is like you are a prisoner of your own soul. first meeting tonight, and I will not chicken out this time.
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