thank you all for the replies. they all mean very much to me. it's like this is my lifeline at the moment.
cynicla one- yes, i am committed to this. i am not going looking. not a bit of me wants to. it will take time to stop the flood of thoughts about where she is, who she is with and all, but i know i can get there. as for the courage not to help, i can only hope so.
anvil- i do understand that, so much so that i never beat her down about it. we may have had some conversations about it, but i never judged her or tried to make her feel bad. there are enough people that were doing that. i know that does not work.