hurting

Old 09-14-2010, 08:11 AM
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hurting

after two months of enabling while trying to keep my friend/gf off the streets, and several attempts at rehab, she told me this morning she isn't ready. we were supposed to go today, but she cried and cried saying how much she loves me, but that the pull is too strong. i had to let her go. i respected her decision, as we could not continue the way we were and i had a feeling this would be her choice. i love her and we had planned for a future together. she knows that this can only happen after a year clean. my brain accepted the decision then, but now my heart is aching- bad.

it kills me to see someone i love, who has such beauty, is so nice, the only person i really felt this close to, to remain in the suffering and pain she is in. i know the three c's, that helps my mind, not my heart. it kills me knowing she is out on the streets. i have seen the monster side, but the other side is still there, i see that too. she said she'll call and we set a date to met just to check in. she was so close...that's what kills me the most. she went to detox so positive and from there we went to salvation army as planned. they turned her away because she was treated with suboxon. it killed her spirit. honestly, i had not seen her so excited about going and then this. i am not saying she did not make her own choices, she agrees she did, but how does someone with nothing get the proper psychiatric treatment they need?

i'm just venting at this point. i hope she hits bottom soon. she hoped for the same. i'm scared again. i'm sure i'll be venting throughout the day as i miss her already, despite knowing all the logical stuff.
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Old 09-14-2010, 08:14 AM
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So sorry to hear things didn't work out like you hoped. Again, you have to let her go and take care of yourself. If and when she is ready, she'll do it without any prodding.
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Old 09-14-2010, 08:19 AM
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i know. i am not going to do anything like that. i told her, when she is ready, i'll take her if she needs me to.
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Old 09-14-2010, 08:29 AM
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I'm sorry Steve. I know how it feels when your heart just doesn't react as logically as your head.
You did all that you could. Its now time to work toward healing yourself. It does get better with time...I promise.
((((Hugs))))
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Old 09-14-2010, 08:34 AM
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Steve, take the time to grieve your loss of the fantasy that you could be the hero and save her, from her. It's likely one of the most humbling experiences of your life. I know it was mine.

My daughter is clean today. I know both she and I are one lousy decision away from a relapse. She back into drugs and me back into being the one who will rescue.
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Old 09-14-2010, 09:00 AM
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i do not mena to be rude, but i really cannot understand why, when i want to help her it becomes nothing more than me wanting to save her. Yes, i want her to get clean, and yes i would do whatever it takes to assist her in that. I understand the saviour complex and all, but this is someone i love. isnt normal to want to help? If her being clean meant that we would not be together ever again, i would accept that. this is as sincere as i can be. i dont want ot see anyone suffering, let alone her. i am grieving the loss of a person i love deeply. i did not believe i could save her, but i did believe that there was a chance she was ready and i wanted to be there for that. i know through and through that i cannot stop it, that only she can and i am in pain that for now she has given up trying. sorry if this came out wrong. but i am not trying to ride in on a white horse.
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Old 09-14-2010, 09:20 AM
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so sorry to read this steve, please know your not alone. we all love our loved ones, we suffer as well. we all want the best for them. back in jan. my husband went into rehab crying on my shoulder,he was so ready, lasted 4 hours. it broke my heart. the pain for us is sometimes too much to bare.
last week in the hospital he cried once again for detox, yet he didnt go. we all share your grief, your loss, we each go through the same emotional pain because of addiction. But I have learned (from this forum) that they truly are the ones who want to get help, otherwise, they will just keep using. I certainly dont want my husband saying he went back to pain pills because I made him go into detox, but at the same time maybe I have to be realistic that he might never go. what happens to us in the meantime? we suffer, we still love them,we still care about them, but we deserve a life too, we cant stop living. take it one day at a time steve, expect some days to be bad, but you need to heal and most importantly try to get some sort of normalcy back into your life and take care of yourself, try to do something each day for yourself,even if its little. big hugs!!
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Old 09-14-2010, 09:38 AM
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thank you all for the replies. they all mean very much to me. it's like this is my lifeline at the moment.

cynicla one- yes, i am committed to this. i am not going looking. not a bit of me wants to. it will take time to stop the flood of thoughts about where she is, who she is with and all, but i know i can get there. as for the courage not to help, i can only hope so.

anvil- i do understand that, so much so that i never beat her down about it. we may have had some conversations about it, but i never judged her or tried to make her feel bad. there are enough people that were doing that. i know that does not work.
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Old 09-14-2010, 09:40 AM
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Steve,

Sorry, but all the red flags were waving in the wind. She is not ready to quit. Your trying to control her recovery, could never work. When and if she is ready, she will find her way, all by herself. Just as it must be. When she is sick and tired of being sick and tired and has fallen to her knees, perhaps she will embrace recovery.

All I know is that you are only prolonging any chance that she may have for recovery. You are not helping her.

You are obsessed with her, why is that? Don't you have a life of your own? Friends? Hobbies? There is something out of wack here.

Please take this time to work on you, get your life together, go to meetings, see a therapist, get some help to start your recovery from codependency.

All said with concern.
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Old 09-14-2010, 10:06 AM
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dolly-

you are right about the prolonging of recovery. i fully understand i need to step aside.

thank you for the concern. i have a nice full life, however things have become out of whack lately. obsessed? i don't know. how is it out of whack to get like this when you lose somebody to this, or to care deeply about somebody? (i ask with sincerety) doesn't everyone go through a hard time lossing someone to this? what can i say, i love her and only 5 hours ago, she chose to take to the streets again. i need time to process and deal. and heal! but i will take all the steps i need to to get there.
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Old 09-14-2010, 10:18 AM
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I really do understand the grief and disappointment. There is a fine line between healthy attachment and obessive behavior.

Been there, done that. Don't you know that there was no doubt in my mind that I and I alone could save my exabf. Yepper, I was the one who could do what no other meer mortal could do, get him to stop drinking, doing drugs, porn and a whole bunch of other crap. I failed miserbly, all I accomplished was making myself a complete wreck.

This board and meetings turned me around, and, I did what I needed to do all along, let him go, let him find recovery, when he was ready. Sadly, 3 years later, he is still doing the same stuff, even going to prison didn't help, I doubt that he will ever embrace recovery, but, that is his problem to resolve, not mine.

Life with an addict can certainly be all consuming, I left friends go, I changed my whole lifestyle to accomodate the addict. It was a big mistake. I am now on tract, and intend to remain on track, forever.

Grieve, then get back up, dust yourself off and move forward with your life.
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Old 09-14-2010, 10:37 AM
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is it therefore advisible for me to end the relationship and friendship until she seeks help? i guess i am supposed to have the courage and strength to say- i cannot have you in my life this way, i love you, but can only allow you in once you decide on recovery? that seems the right thing to do, but i always get hung up on that by thinking i am abandoning her.
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Old 09-14-2010, 10:50 AM
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How can you be abandoning her when she was out there all that time before you hunted her down and tried to get her into treatment? She managed to survive before you did that and she'll manage to survive now. When you finally realize, truly realize, that nothing you do can save her, then you will be ready to disengage from her. She knows how to get help if she wants it. As a matter of fact, I believe you said she was in treatment a few weeks ago but chose to leave. She is not ready to stop and that is HER CHOICE. It isn't something that is being foisted upon her. She had a choice and she made that choice.
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Old 09-14-2010, 10:51 AM
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Yes, I am afraid so. Believe me, when an addict is in the throws of active addiction, one of the last things they are concerned with is being abandoned, they could care less...they are all consumed with their next hit and how they are going to secure it.

Because I let my exabf go didn't mean that I didn't love him, that I didn't care...it mean't just the opposite...I loved him enough to do the right thing for him, let him go to find his bottom, to learn how to be a responsible adult. Unfortunately, it may be too late for him, he's been drinking and doing drugs for over 30 years, the longer it goes the harder it is to break the cycle.

I don't know the age of your gf, but, the sooner she hits her bottom the better her chances are for recovery.
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Old 09-14-2010, 11:09 AM
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dolly-
that is exactly how i felt this morning. i did not try to change her mind. i merely said, i understand tihs is your choice. i did not try to change anything. she is 30. she smoked pot for ten years, then startedwith this stuff about 2 years ago, but totally lost control around last may. i have known her 4-5 years, but this is the FIRST time she admitted that she has been on something for ten years. she would never admit that pot was an issue for her. maybe going back on the streets after a reprive will help her reach bottom faster. and yes, the fear is she never will. i am all to aware that that is a possibility.

suki-
i am aware now of choices, that she has made the choices. i was scared when she wanted to use yesterday. all isaid was, this is your choice. she said- i know.
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Old 09-14-2010, 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by steve1840 View Post
If her being clean meant that we would not be together ever again, i would accept that. this is as sincere as i can be. i dont want ot see anyone suffering, let alone her.
Here's your chance to accept that. She's not clean with you so there's only one other way towards her getting clean, and it's without you. You won't have to watch her suffer her choices and suffer with her, too.

I know that sounds rough and it is. It's the same realization I came to with my daughter. If her living a better life meant it had to be without me, then I had to love her enough to set her free.
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Old 09-14-2010, 11:50 AM
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Steve,

She is still young. Let's pray that this will be a pivotal relapse and that without your enabling she will reach her bottom and seek recovery.
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Old 09-14-2010, 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Steve,

She is still young. Let's pray that this will be a pivotal relapse and that without your enabling she will reach her bottom and seek recovery.
i like that. i dont know if its ok to talk to her if she calls. that's not enabling correct? i will not give her money or rides for sure as i know that is enabling. but is it ok to hang out once in a while?
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Old 09-14-2010, 12:20 PM
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There are no hard and fast rules, Steve. If you want to hang out with her, then hang out with her. The thing is though, the more exposure you allow, the harder it is going to be on you. You cannot detach from someone and still hang out with them, especially when you have convinced yourself that you love her. It's just going to be like ripping the scab off a wound every time she leaves.
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Old 09-14-2010, 12:22 PM
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but is it ok to hang out once in a while?
No I M H O it is not. See my post on your other thread. This is the time for you to FOCUS on YOU, not her. Every time you talk to her, you go right back to focusing on her.

I M H O it would be best if you go NO CONTACT. Every time you talk to her you are right back on the ROLLER COASTER OF DRAMA.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

ps It took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery after my family and friends cut off the 'life lines'. They hung up when I called. They closed the door in my face. But to this day, I believe that is what speeded up my downward spiral to my own personal bottom and the willingness to seek recovery.
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