hurting
after two months of enabling while trying to keep my friend/gf off the streets, and several attempts at rehab, she told me this morning she isn't ready. we were supposed to go today, but she cried and cried saying how much she loves me, but that the pull is too strong. i had to let her go. i respected her decision, as we could not continue the way we were and i had a feeling this would be her choice. i love her and we had planned for a future together. she knows that this can only happen after a year clean. my brain accepted the decision then, but now my heart is aching- bad.
it kills me to see someone i love, who has such beauty, is so nice, the only person i really felt this close to, to remain in the suffering and pain she is in. i know the three c's, that helps my mind, not my heart. it kills me knowing she is out on the streets. i have seen the monster side, but the other side is still there, i see that too. she said she'll call and we set a date to met just to check in. she was so close...that's what kills me the most. she went to detox so positive and from there we went to salvation army as planned. they turned her away because she was treated with suboxon. it killed her spirit. honestly, i had not seen her so excited about going and then this. i am not saying she did not make her own choices, she agrees she did, but how does someone with nothing get the proper psychiatric treatment they need?
i'm just venting at this point. i hope she hits bottom soon. she hoped for the same. i'm scared again. i'm sure i'll be venting throughout the day as i miss her already, despite knowing all the logical stuff.