doormat-there were many reasons why. I was a raging codependent and I wanted to believe stbxah was telling the truth. I was not healthy or when I sat down on the couch with that pastor I would not have been crying my eyes out--I would have looked her squarely in the eye and said he is an alcoholic and drug addict. Did she know that? Hard to say. He has fooled most of the congregations at the churches where he has worked. We left the church were we were married within a few years because he had problems with the congregation. The next church he had problems with the pastor (actually called him a spoiled little rich boy and to F off). Next job-same-did not like the pastor. As crazy as she was--she was happy to see him go because he has already shown his true colors by getting high with people from the band (and one of his first jobs was to fire them and he was ratted out) and then when he made sexually explicit comments about a 16 year old girl during a choir practice--that was reported by someone else to the pastor. Both went in his pesonnel file.
I stopped attending any church he was working at after that. The place he works now--no one has ever met me--except the pastor. He was the pastor he told to F off. He forgave him and asked him to play piano for one of the services.
Today is a hard day. I am very angry but I am venting when no one is around. I don't think it is healthy to hold it in. I needed a long and hard cry. This has been a rough week and the legal system has been twisted to benefit him. I am sure my lawyer is someone upset with me because I have refused to sign the final Marital Settlement agreement because of one paragraph. I told her not one line in it was true and I would not sign it if she left it in because I would be lying and that my marriage started with a lie. I was not going to end it with one.
So, I am trying to plan some fun things for this weekend. stbxah has the kids. There is an art show on Main St. and a blues fest tonight. So I am going to go-I need to get away from the drudgery of job being the household cleanup crew.
I think I will start journaling. It will be a healthy way to deal with the anger.
Cats--I have written letters like you describe and I sent them off to a couple friends for what we call "snot checks". Baiscally is the fact that I feel like a raging B right now coming through or have I diplomatically stated my feelings and how things might be resolved. You are right-most come back--while this probably felt good to write-don't send it.