HoopNinja

I have this incredible urge to call the pastor who married us and tell her why I called off our wedding in the first place. Yep, it is true. Part of me knew he was slime and I called off our wedding. Then the pastor, who was his friend and the one who set us up begged me to tell her what was going on while stbxah (and dope smoking crack head--but a nice church musician so no one knew) was scaring the crap out on me and heaping guilt on me telling me if I told her the reason I was cancelling the wedding he would lose his job. Then he swore to me that he would stop the drinking and the drugging--and he did, until the wedding reception. Should have asked for an annulment then and there.

I never told the pastor why I cancelled the wedding. I can remember it like it was yeserday. I sat on her couch weeping, telling her I could not say. Between her, stbxah and my co-dependency I got tossed right back down the aisle.

Right now part of me wants to shoot her an email and say-remember the day I sat on your couch in such incredible emotional pain, telling you I did not want to marry this %^&%$%--well this is why and I did not tell you because he lied to me and you both pushed and pushed.

It bugs me that a huge part of me wants to take away from him what he has taken away from me--13 years of my life. It bugs me that he gets to walk away totally unscathed after being the cretin he has been. I want to run a full page ad in the paper saying exactly what happened--because it would not be libel--it's all true.

Never in my life have I had such intense feelings of loathing for a person and never in my life have I wanted to expose anyone for he slime they are.

I know I need to let go of this. . .and I will. But today--I am totally and completely pissed off.

Part of me wants to take a copy of the Marital Settlement and fax it on over to the bishop. Hey, take a look at this wonderful guy you think walks on water. He bascially robbed his now ex-wife and is not supporting his children.
Yet, everyone thinks he is the most Christian man on the earth. They have no idea of who he really is.

Floss

I understand your anger Wife2Kids and I also know there are many wolves in sheeps clothing who hide behind the church...narcissists...they present the perfect image to the world and behind closed doors, it's a living hell....all the best to you and your kids....

posiesperson

(((Wife)))

Nope, they don't have any idea who he really is. You have the up-close-and-personal view on that one. Stinks big-time, doesn't it? You're not alone--I'm glad that you posted here about it.

I get the anger, I TOTALLY get it. I find for myself that it's best to feel it, review the memories and know deep inside why those feelings are there, BE ANGRY and then use it for good--use it to build a brand-spankin'-new life, moment to moment!

Can't wait to see what kind of life you build for yourself, Wife! It's gonna be good, isn't it? Something wonderful?? Can't wait to hear what you have in mind...

Hugs,
posie

Summerpeach

Tell us how you really feel ;-)

My ex from many years back was a sly lying sick guy..........I had SO MUCH on him that I could have exposed and it would have buried him but I didn't. You know why? Because it would just make me filthy like him and someone said to me "Oh Karma can do much better than you can"
And I let it go.
I am not about revenge, since the best revenge is getting wiser and stronger.

Take a deep breath and just know, EVERYONE gets exposed all on their own.

Floss

What a great reply Posies! Very inspirational....

suki44883

The best revenge is a life well lived. Sending an "I told you so" letter won't change anything and might make you look like a sore loser. The best thing you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start rebuilding your life. Somehow, I don't think it will be long before he has spent all the money he got from you, but he'll still be the same miserable person he has always been. You, on the other hand, will be creating a wonderful life for yourself and your children. Never forget, regardless of what he gets from you in the divorce, he is still the loser.

Still Waters

Yeah, I hear you. I know exactly what you mean. Truly.

While I'm living on food stamps, in one cramped room with my daughter - he's sitting on my furniture, watching my television, eating out of my refrigerator.

You have every reason to be pissed off. As do I.
Let it out here. It's got to be good to let it all out.

Jadmack25

What is wrong with telling it as it really is, actually letting the truth out of the bag?
Letting the light in, to expose any dirt that is hidden in the dark, is supposed to be part of a Christian life. Hiding the nasties under a goody goody facade is a Jesus no no.

Let the Pastor and Bishop learn what a vicious, backstabbing hypocrite is among them, and if they do nothing, then like others before them, they are also tainted.

At least warn of the wolf in their midst, before he grabs another lamb to replace you.

God bless

barb dwyer

Revenge is a powerful, dangerous medicine.

If you're not completely impeccable, it will come back to you ... threefold.

Revenge is always a selfish act.
It is never for anyone's good but the Self.

The ultimate act of Self-importance.

You don't want that.
you don't need that.

you're working to outgrow that.

leave him in his small, artificial world.
leave them in that small, dark world with him.

your world is blooming right in front of you.

don't waste the time looking back
there' nothing worth looking at ....in the sewer.

transformyself

Bring that sh1t out, Girlfriend. Tell it.


Personally, I disagree with Barb-but that might be because I don't see what you're describing as revenge, but rather working to inform someone who was intentionally betrayed. Only you will know if you're just trying to hurt him, or if there is benefit in ensuring the leaders in your community aren't likewise betrayed and misled. That's the real travesty, in my opinion-keeping your mouth shut when you can potentially prevent others from likewise being abused.

I see this as an essential element of community that most folks turn their back on. it's why we're disconnected in the modern world. YOu can see what you're neighbor is doing, for instance, to their wife or children, but it's none of your business.

If you have the ability to ensure other folks in key positions--Elders, community leaders, preachers, whatever-have the ability to keep a watchful eye on the situation, I think it's your responsibility to tell them when you know someone else has negative intentions and is potentially harmful to themselves or others.

In Indian communities, we discuss this all the time; who is doing what and with whom. It's essential for a healthy community to know what it's members are doing and if it ain't right, we send folks over to first try to interviene, but also send a message--you won't be hurting others anymore. We won't let you. And Indian folks know about alcoholism, all right.

Often times, folks will sit on that information for awhile, though and watch the situation. But it should get out to the important folks, so they can watch the situation.

Still, I'd sit on it for awhile. You've waited this long, why not wait- oh -a week longer?

But I"m the Truth Speaker in my family and community. I consider it education, giving folks who have been deiceved the ability to make more sound choices when dealing with an individual who has, or has the potential to lie to or betray THEM as well as myself.

But I'm like that. Here's an example:

Last fall, when I started working with a business owner nearby on political issues and municipality education, a young woman was working for him that ran in teh same Indian circle I did about 15-17 years ago. She recognized me. I did not recognize her.

She was all over me. Told me immediatly that she had had an 8 year affair with a mutual friend. They were both married.

I was horrified by her confession. The more I htought about it, the more I realized I didn't trust her off the bat and her confession -to me at least-verified character flaws that I had sensed. I stayed away from her. Was friendly but distant.

I told my friend what she had told me about the affair. I said, " this concerns me. She's shown she's not trustworthy and I know she handles sensitive information at your place," and he changed the passwords to his business, safe, and records.

about two months ago, she TOTALLY attempted to screwed my friend over. Went to work for a different business and tried to steal and then sabatoge all of his patients records.

He felt betrayed, yes. But his business records and contents of the safe were protected from her.

Each situation is different, obviously, and there are other examples of me keeping my damn mouth shut when it's not my business, but I felt strongly that my friend needed to be able to protect himself.

It's true that making your own life fantastic and letting go is essential when overwhelmed with pain and grief, but when I first found about about my AH affair, I certainly did my share of outing-based solely on my state of shattering. I told strangers in the gas station about it. I couldn't help myself.

It wasn't revenge, it was that shattering stage. Completly overwhelmed and traumatized.

I do regret telling some of the people, not many, about his affair, but I am mostly grateful I did. Especially HER friends. They saw my pain and knew what she had done. I'm totally ok with that. In my opinion, they now have information about her that they can arm themselves with. What they do beyond that is their problem. I know if a friend of mine had an affair with a married man, I'd be looking at her differently and grateful for the info.

The letting go of resentment part I can relate too, and was thinking yesterday, How do I let go of a resentment that I no longer want?

Think I'll start another thread about it, so I don't t/j you.

But seriously? If you believe you have information that others need to hear-either to protect them or others, tell it Sister.

transformyself

And I forgot to say

When I found out about the girl having the 8 year long affair with another, married friend of mine, I knew her moral compass was WAY off and she wasn't someone to be trusted.

That's why I told him. To pull that off, an affair for EIGHT YEARS, you've gotta be very very deceitful and I'm not interested in engaging with you.

It's important information to have when deciding if you want to have a relationship on any level with someone. Now some folks won't care about that, but I liken her to a thief, which is exactly what she turned out to be.

kiki5711

I think telling the truth would be the best thing to do. How the church responds is their business, love, forgiveness and all that jazz, but at least you get it off your heart. Don't be surprised if they feel compasion towards him more than you. It happens, but that's because they're NOT the ones that had to live with him every day and suffer the consequences so it's easy for THEM to forgive.

I say, expose, and let him and his churchy friends deal with it as it comes. And find yourself another church to go to.

littlefish

There are two ways to do it. One way, as some have suggested, might be motivated by revenge. And, that will ultimately harm you more than anyone else.

But, you could approach it in another way that would help you grow and maybe help the pastor see things in a new light. I think it sounds totally wrong to ignore the fears of a bride-to-be and encourage her to marry someone she is having severe doubts about. I think a talk with the pastor could be useful if you suggest to her that in the future she should take the doubts of people seriously and not let her own attachments or likings for someone influence her decision. You don't have to drag all the dirt into the picture....just tell her that your soon to be ex's behavior is completely different at home than what he reveals to others. You can leave it at that, going into details might drag you into some codependent behavior you probably should avoid.

Your decision to divorce is powerful proof that your feelings are valid.

HoopNinja

I would never take a full page ad out and I am unsure what my feelings are--revenge or protections of others. I was completely used but I could not protect the next codie he finds--because they would not believe me anyway.

The pastor-I do feel compelled for just thye reason stated by littlefish. I was in a very vunerable place and she also knew I had just come through a divorce due to alcoholism and violence. I do feel she was trying to find someone for him and her matchmaking created a life of sorrows for me and the kids.

I would not fax the settlement agreement to the bishop (although my BIL has threatened to do so--he is not too happy with stbxah).

I just need to process my anger and not act out in anger--that I know to be true.

Daybreak

I did something comparable -- not quite so drastic as a full-page ad. I am not that sort of person normally. I know I ought to feel ashamed, but honestly, it still gives me pleasure to remember it.

Generally, though, I think people who would believe your revelations already know or suspect. Out of the remainder, some might wonder whether what you say is true, most will think you've gone off the deep end. As to his Christian associations, churches vary greatly in orthodoxy, and even Christians with spiritual discernment find it nearly impossible to confront sin and/or hypocrisy. (Not an endorsement -- it troubles me greatly.)

zbear23

I'm not a bible thumper (yikes!) but I am reminded of the story of Lot and his family leaving the wicked city of Sodam.....she (contrary to explicit directions) looked back...and turned into a pillar of salt.

There's a lesson here, I think.

blessings
zenbear

JenT1968

When I am unsure of my motives or have a lot of emotional pain, then I don't act.

I am not advocating secrecy, if you need to speak your truth to get support for yourself, with your support network then go ahead. If someone from his church asks you what on earth went on and you feel ok telling them, then do. I suspect though, that anything you said to anyone else right now, to warn them, whatever, when you are angry and in pain, would be dismissed precisely because of that anger and pain, and may very well back-fire hugely on you at a point in your life when you could do without that.

sleep on it, a lot.

HoopNinja

Also, part of me is pissed off because I am being treated like a leper by many former church friends. How could I break my wedding vows? How could I be so cruel to this wonderful man who inspires the church. They shun me. All I can think is--they do not know me, they do not know him, they have no idea what he does at home and outside the community so they do not see. When people ask me directly my standard reply has been (when I feel like I want to reply)--stbxah has spent his entire adult life as a performer--and leave it at that. Let them figure it out. Mostly, I walk away.

I did find a new church--temporary I think since I don't know enough about it. But for now it is a good place with good people who seem to be honest to a fault.

I will sleep on it. The only person I feel compelled to talk to is the pastor who married us because I believe she did just the opposite of what she should have done. I believe she needs to know what her personal agenda resulted in. Thoughout our marriage I have often thought of calling her and asking her to intervene--but that would be co-dependent because I can't make him stop and neither could she.

On the flip side--I see nothing wrong with pointing out to stbxah that our divorce records are available to anyone under the open records laws. But honestly, the fact that he did what he did shows he has no morals so perhaps he does not care. I am having no problem telling my friends what a piece of garbage he is. I did come here because I needed to vent. For now, I will sleep many nights--and I will live a better life without him. Posie--I am excited to see what the world has to offer me now that I don't have him to tell me "you can't do that". I heard that our whole marriage. There were things I wanted to do but of course we never had the money to do it. Well I am in charge of my own finances now so guess what stbxah and your naysaying--Ha!! Oh yeah! Well watch me.!

transformyself

Am I understanding this correctly? The pastor did the matchmaking? And when you had clear hesitation to marrying him, she wasn't understanding?

I think you went to someone you trusted and (sorry but gee what a surprise to see this in "the church") and instead of being protected and helped, you were totally screwed over. She's got her own issues. Problem is, she's in a position of power.

And you're being blamed for the A's problems. I'd have seroius issues with that one too, and either have to live with it in resentment, let go of, or speak truth to power and clear my name.

but that's me. You will do what's best for you and your children.

I am sorry you're dealing with this.

Learn2Live

I have learned that my anger is MY problem. I have learned that change starts with me. I have learned that it is my perceptions create my reality.
My advice is to let go and let god.